Busy Busy

Well, things have been very busy around here.  I’m out most nights working right now so we have had very little alone time.  We are trying to make the most of our together time, however.  We are trying to spend more time with the kids actually doing things instead of just sitting around the house.

Unfortunately that means we haven’t had the time to get into any kinky action and still have very limited intimacy.  To top it off I’m kind of in an “Alpha” mode as I’m working nights with my partners.  It’s very difficult for me to switch between the need to be a more dominant personality at work and a more submissive role at home.  I’ve decided to just accept it and when the bulk of the project is finished in a month or so I’ll be able to get back to a more normal routine (hope hope hope).

I can tell my wife is getting a little aggravated about the situation, but I think she knows it’s temporary and likely unavoidable.  The house work is suffering but I’m trying to keep up with the yard work.  She also seems to be a little more testy with me at times and recently snapped at me.  She had pointed out that I had gotten another doctor bill that I had been told to take care of.  I pointed out that I had taken care of it and had told them we would be mailing in payments.  She snapped at me about needing to tell her these things.  I’m fairly certain I had, but I knew better than to talk back.  The toughest part about that was that I wasn’t in any kind of submissive mind set so initially I felt angry.  I didn’t say anything and I don’t think I showed any anger, but I didn’t like feeling that way.

In the past I’ve talked about how chastity effects me over time.  Well, that seems to have changed recently.  Before I seemed to be really horny for about ten days after a release and then the horniness would taper off and eventually be replaced by a nearly overwhelming desire to not orgasm.  After waiting five weeks this last time I of course was praying to be made to wait at least six weeks or even two whole months.  My mind was in an incredibly submissive state and the night of my release my wife was being very dominant and a bit kinky.  When she finally allowed me an orgasm I felt a “drop off” for the first time.  All sense of submissiveness was gone.  I didn’t want to do anything but just lay there.  It was horrible!  For the next 10 days where I’d normally be super horny and thinking about having another orgasm most of the time I instead didn’t even think about it.  I didn’t feel horny and thoughts of cumming again didn’t even cross my mind.  Then a couple of nights ago it seemed to hit me out of the blue.  The last two days I’ve been incredibly horny and I’m starting to feel more submissive again (although as I said before it probably will be suppressed as I finish this project).

Quick arrangement chat

Well, we were able to have a short talk about our arrangement last night.  I started by expressing that it seemed like the arrangement seemed to have, I forget what word I used, but I think something along the lines of mellowed maybe.  Anyway, my wife disagreed.  She said the arrangement is what it is, the problem was that we weren’t very connected due to how busy she had been with work and how busy I’ve been and the kid activities going on and now that our oldest is on summer vacation from school they are staying up later, etc…

In some ways this was a relief to hear, despite the fact we were talking about a complete strain on our relationship.  Her point was it didn’t have anything to do with the arrangement.  All aspects of our relationship have been effected.  

I told her that I wish I had gone out of my way to be more helpful, but honestly felt that I was going through a period of depression.

I also brought up the lack of sex and asked if it was because she was getting all she wanted and that was it, or if it was lack of time or what.  She was a bit surprised to realise we’ve only had sex 7 times this year and said that we needed to work on that as well.  Once again time and stress have taken a toll, but my wife assured me that in no way did she intend to only have sex once a month.  She too would like to be back to at least a couple of times a week.  Whew.

We didn’t talk for very long, but we agreed that we needed to put more effort into our relationship and since our arrangement is a big part of that hopefully we will be back to where we were in no time.

 

Side note - 

I’ve been wearing my device a lot lately.  I’ve really grown to enjoy the feeling, especially when I get excited and feel how it restrains my erection.  It’s damn sexy.

And for the OC/OD fans I need to make a correction.  I’d previously said that I’d only had 6 orgasms for the year (I think).  I’ve actually had 7, but haven’t had a release for 31 days now with no opportunity until at least 35 days.

Getting back on track

Well, it looks like we may be on the road to recovery.  We still haven’t really talked about the current state of our arrangement, but at this point I’m not sure we really need to.  I think we both see that we just haven’t been putting enough effort into it to make it fun for both of us.

The renewed effort started shortly before dinner as my wife pointed out to me that the dish washer needed to be unloaded.  ”That’s YOUR job”, she pointed out to me.  At dinner, and through the night she seemed to have me get things for her more than she has recently.

Finally she had me come to bed with her where she had her way and when she was done I was left lovingly denied (that’s four weeks without release for those counting).  As she put it she “took what she wanted” and was done.  I got dressed and went to get her some water and medicine.  I returned to the room and handed them to her as she sat in the bed.  

“Wouldn’t you rather be kneeling”?  It was more of a statement than a question and I think kind of sums up the recent situation.

Hopefully we can continue to get back on track.  It’s going to be very difficult over this summer as I’ll be working most nights and two nights a week I’ll be working very, very late into the early morning.  It will leave me tired and cranky and stressed.  Perhaps on my few nights off she’ll be using me as she sees fit.  I certainly hope so.

The problem with success

Two weekends ago I thought we had turned the corner and were heading back to a more active and exciting “arrangement”.  My wife had just finished up with a conference she had put together and it was a success.  I had to work that night, but knowing all the stress she’d gone through I thought to put her toys and a sexy magazine under her side of the bed.  That night (while I was at work) I talked to her and told her that I knew how stressed she had been at work and told her about the toys for some late night relaxation.  She was very pleased and excited about that.

Later she sent me a text message indicating (through symbols) that she came three times and how much she loved me for thinking of her.  That put me into subspace for the first time in… well, a long time.

Yay!

That Sunday we had a little “afternoon delight”.  She had four more orgasms and right before her fifth I told her that I needed to stop or I would cum.  She told me to cum and she came shortly after.  

As we lay together in bed I started to realize why things didn’t seem to be working.  Now, I had just gone three weeks without an orgasm and this year have only had six.  We’re more than five and a half months in and I’ve only had six orgasms!  I should have been relieved to cum, right?

No.  Of course not.  That would only make sense.  The problem, if it is a problem, is that we’ve only had sex six times this year.  That just is not fun.  Not only is there just not enough sex going on, but that also means that there has been no denial going on.  Six orgasms and only six instances of sex means that I’ve been allowed to cum every time.

Not that I want to have sex after five weeks of chastity only to be denied for another month.  Hell, I actually want MORE orgasms.  But there is just so much fun in one sided sex and we just aren’t having it.  Frankly, even without the denial more sex is really just needed right now.

Of course, stating the lack of sex is the problem isn’t the real problem.  The real problem seems to be the “success” of our arrangement.  Especially since my wife has come to welcome sex on Sunday afternoons I’ve come to learn to pretty much NEVER expect to have it any other time.  This removes the feeling of being on edge, never knowing when you will be called on for service or being denied or being allowed an orgasm.  All that emotion is gone.  Instead, come every third or fourth Sunday I try to arrange for time for us to be intimate.  While this leads to a complete let down of the emotional and mental fun for me, it seems to be exactly what my wife wants sex-wise.  She is only having sex on her terms, when she wants it.

This has really led to a hollow version of our arrangement.  I don’t masturbate and only cum when she allows, which is half as often as last year, I clean the house and I cater to her.  I do these things (although the cleaning and the catering are probably proportional to my orgasms right now, meaning about half as much as last year) but there is none of the excitement around it.  I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.  A few weeks ago I whined about some cleaning related task and she just said, “Arrangement!”.  She followed that up with a, “huh, I haven’t said that in a while…”  

Not only have I not enjoyed our arrangement lately, but while doing yard work recently I thought, “we could get sooo much more done if she would do…”.

That is not how I want to think.  I really want to get back to what we had before, but I just don’t know how to get there without my wife taking some sort of leading role, which is of course a paradox because that’s what led us to this current situation.  My wife getting things just how she wanted has led to it being less fun for both of us.

We definitely need to talk.

Blah…

Maybe things aren’t so great after all.

Not that we are having a rough patch with our relationship or anything, just that things have been so hectic and frankly I think I’ve been a bit depressed (although I don’t know why but I guess that just happens) and I think my wife has been stressed and misses being able to take advantage of me.  I also have definitely fallen behind on the cleaning and recently forgot to set the  coffee machine up recently and this morning had it partly set up, but forgot to set the timer so it was waiting for her when she got up.  It hasn’t been all bad, by any means.  It’s just that we seem to actually function better when we are around each other more.  We’ve always been that way.  Early on in our relationship we went on a week long road trip and by the end I think we were both surprised at how much we loved being together constantly.  Normally you’d think you would want to get some space from each other afterwards, but not us.  Anyway, when we don’t see each other as much is when we both seem to get more cranky and things don’t seem to click.

Either way I’m not feeling very wife led right now, not that it’s my wife’s fault.  It’s probably more my fault than anything, but I really think it has to do with us just not being together too much over the last couple of weeks, and when we are my wife is so exhausted that she is pretty much going to bed right after the kids, so it’s not like we’ve had any private time at all.

It may not be a great excuse, but that likely has something to do with my less than stellar behaviour around the house.  Again, none of this is her fault or her problem, it’s mine.  I realise that.  But let me be self centered for a minute.

I’m feeling very submissive right now, but I don’t feel like I’ve got anyone to submit to.  I’ve been chaste for 16 days, but there has been absolutely no intimacy in that time.  I see what a wreck the house is and it seems like a losing battle all the time and I haven’t really had any energy lately.  That last bit is what makes me think I’ve been a bit depressed lately.  Normally I go through a “funk” in the winter.  I didn’t really have a winter funk this year.  Maybe it just hit me later than usual.  I don’t know, but it hasn’t really helped the situation any.

What really stinks is that I know I’m going to be a lot busier at night starting next month.  It’s good in the sense that it is work related, but it’s just tough knowing that things don’t look to get any easier in the near future.  I’d love to say that when I relax with my wife tonight we’ll talk about these things, but I know we’ll probably just watch a show we’ve recorded and then she’ll want to go to bed, and I can’t blame her.  I know how tired she has been.

Oh, well.  Enough whining for today.

Brief update pt. 2

Still nothing new going on.  Things continue to be a bit hectic so time spent together is mostly just relaxing.  Nothing too heavy going on, just the usual small pamperings and her appreciative comments.  Comments like, “I love Monday nights… when you mop the kitchen floor”.  It’s kind of a tease, but she also really loves having that I mop the kitchen floor regularly.

Sorry, Steve, I quit the “kneeling ritual” a while back.  I don’t exactly remember when, but it was likely at some point when I was sick.  I was still “tucking my wife in” as she went to bed, but somewhere along the line kneeling stopped being a part of it.  I’m OK with it because it somehow seemed fake, but I’m not sure how my wife feels about it.

This brings me to the last time we talked about our arrangement, which I wrote about a few posts ago.  I told her that I was feeling really good about the arrangement because it felt very “normal” at this point and thus it seemed sustainable for a long time.  Somewhere in that conversation I got the impression that she felt a little different about it.  Not that it wasn’t sustainable, just that it seemed a little too “plain”.  I think she wants a little more, but as I said things have been so hectic I think she just takes what is easy right now.  What’s easy is my keeping the house, my serving her, and my being chaste.  Hopefully we’ll have a little more time in the near future where we can maybe revist our last conversation and see where she feels it could/should go.  As I said, I’m pretty content with where we are, but it would be exciting to see what she thinks about where we could go.

As for chastity, I was allowed my 5th release of the year this past Sunday after 3 weeks of denial.  My wife seemed to really be “in the zone” and had four orgasms in a very short amount of time, two oral and two during intercourse.  As I lay worn out next to her, and she seemed worn out too, she implied she could go on.  If she had told me to I would have, but I’m relieved she didn’t.  I was spent.  I could have offered, sure, but we really are at the point where if she wanted it she wouldn’t have hesitated to tell me to get back to work, or use the vibe on herself.

Well, hopefully we can have that talk soon.  As soon as we do I’ll write about it.  In the mean time I’m just happy when I can find time to even check other blogs.  I’m falling so far behind!

Brief Update

It’s been so long since my last post I felt I should give an update.  Everything is business as usual.  I wish I had something more exciting to report, but that’s about it.  We haven’t had many chances to be intimate at all, but it’s mostly due to work, tiredness, colds, etc. instead of low libidos.  Nothing too exciting, I know, but we are just steady on with our routines and our arrangement.  There have been a few instances where my wife has told me I was slacking in one area or another, but mostly she has been encouraging and has helped me follow through (or at least get started) on some things I’d talked about (regular life, not WLM, lol).

Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to write soon.  Sorry for the boring post.

The Great Mind Shift

Things have been very relaxed lately.  Not as in “lax”, but very comfortable in our arrangement.  I believe I mentioned in either my previous post or the post before that where my wife and I talked about our arrangement and I pointed out that it just seemed so regular and everyday that I almost thought we’d stopped doing it.  Only we haven’t stopped.  It’s just that our arrangement feels like the normal way of doing things now.

My wife’s reaction led me to believe that she agreed, but I think she felt like she could be getting more out of it.  Not that I was lacking, but that she wasn’t putting enough into it to the point where she would get more out of it.  It would seem that she enjoys it when she’s a little more “Domme-y” and likes to make me squirm a bit.  So, although I’m happy knowing that we could easily live with our arrangement indefinitely and nobody would ever think I was anything other than a loving husband, I think she likes a little more spice, but it has to come from her.

Either way, I think that conversation has left us both feeling very happy and relaxed knowing that we don’t have to “work” or “act” at the arrangement.  We can just be ourselves and that’s it.  Knowing this it’s actually made it even easier to talk about it.  About a week ago, after finally getting a release (31 days), we were on our way to pick up our kids from a friends house where they had spent the night.  It was nearly an hour ride and we enjoyed talking with each other.  At one point I said to her, “Look, this could come out sounding horrible if I don’t word it the right way, so if it comes out wrong just assume it could have been said better”.  She laughed and understood what I meant and told me to fire away.  I then explained how exciting the mind game was where she said I could masturbate to orgasm, but then had to wear my device to work that night.  I then just flat out asked her what I would have to do to receive a blow job.  She indicated that it would clearly cost a lot and that she would have to think about it.  She seemed to enjoy the challenge as well.

Yesterday morning, after a “quickie” we lay together in bed and cuddled.  She was very content and I was frustrated (and happy) as you could imagine.  I asked her if she had been thinking about the blow job at all.  She told me she had, but she hadn’t come up with anything.

“The problem is I’ve had this great shift in the way I think about these things now.  It’s all about me and my pleasure and what I want to do.  It was rare that I ever wanted to give a blow job.  I’m having a really hard time thinking of what you could do that would make me want to give you a blow job”.

First off, WOW!  She was just so matter of fact about it.  It’s now normal for her to think of herself.  She’s not working at it.  She is completely selfish sexually.  Amazing!  However, in the interest of the mind games (which she also enjoys, I’d like to point out) I tried to rephrase the challenge in a way that she hadn’t thought of it.  I asked her if she could think about it in a way where the blow job was a gift to me.  She understood, but seemed a bit more skeptical of this approach.

The best part of this conversation is that we were just laying in bed, casually chatting.  There wasn’t the slightest bit of stress or worry or anything.  We could have been talking about what to have for lunch.  Actually, I believe we did talk about lunch immediately after.  It’s all so laid back and easy going that I was even able to sneak in a little, “what are the odds of me being allowed to cum” (mostly as a joke) at some point in the conversation, as if by sneaking it in I could catch her off guard.  She laughed and told me my chances were “ZERO”.  It was worth a shot.

We are both so happy right now.  What an amazing step we’ve taken.  Being able to joke about our arrangement as if it were no big deal while also being able to talk about it in a very matter of fact and relaxed way.

Why the ‘choice’?

You can’t change who you are.  At least that’s the saying, right?  I think there is a lot of truth to that.  In our arrangement we aren’t really changing who we are, we’re just enhancing certain aspects, I think.  Of course, we may be doing things we wouldn’t otherwise be doing, but that’s not changing who we are, it’s changing what we do.  Maybe I’m thinking about it too much.

I started thinking about it last night.  I got into bed with my wife and told her how sexy the idea of the release with conditions was.  I asked her when she came up with it.  She told me she’d thought about it a few days before.  Now, I don’t remember exactly how she worded her reasoning, but it boiled down to the idea that she felt like she was neglecting me and that she needed to do something for me.  I could tell she was a bit bummed about it and didn’t want to get too deep into it, so I just told her that I’ve been very happy and didn’t feel neglected at all.  She didn’t seem very convinced.  I then asked her if we were in bed because she wanted to have sex, or because she felt obligated to have sex.  She told me she wanted to do it for me.  I told her that I could see how tired she was and kissed her and wished her sweet dreams and got out of bed.

I’m sure a year ago I would have wanted to sit down and have a long conversation with her where I explain that she needs to relax and understand it’s all about her wants, needs and desires.  But I now accept that she will always be a loving wife who cares about my needs.  I appreciate the great gift of the “mind fuck” that she gave me, and that she will occasionally have sex when she is tired because she feels like she’s been neglecting me.  These are characteristics about her that I fell in love with.  They won’t change, and I don’t think I want them to.  However, as we’ve gotten further into our arrangement, I see that she doesn’t feel obligated to do these things all the time.  The vast majority of the time she is able to simply receive and understand that I get pleasure from it as well.  But, things have been a little hectic over the last several weeks with her family visiting and what not, and I guess I’ve been doing a good job around the house, etc., so I’m sure she is feeling a little pressure to perform for me.  Yay for me!  I’ve got a loving wife.

Having said all that, I will ask her if she wants to take a few minutes tonight to talk about it.  I just want her to really understand how very content I’ve been lately, and that the occasional “mind fuck” game can really work wonders.  Now, here’s where you are going to yell “hypocrite” at me, but I swear these two topics came up separately!  The day before she laid the “choice” on me I had been thinking (fantasizing) about blow jobs, and the lengths I’d be willing to go to get one.  I was trying to figure out how to broach the topic with her.  Actually, I guess I was going to ask in the context of birthday sex.  As I mentioned last blog for whatever reasons I did not have birthday sex and I’ve been very, very tempted to ask for a blow job for my birthday.  I know I haven’t had one since I’ve started this blog, and it would be a safe bet to say I haven’t had one in several years.  Anyway, I was thinking, how exactly do I word this?  “What would it cost me to get a blow job”, clearly makes her sound like a whore (although perhaps that would be a kinky fantasy for her).  Maybe, “I would do just about anything for a birthday blow job, what would it take”?  The thing is, at this point it’s become more about the mind fuck than about the blow job.  This became apparent to me the next day when she essentially did what I was fantasizing about, only in terms of masturbation, not oral sex.

So, I’d really like to talk to her about that.  I want her to know we don’t always have to be “doing things”, because the fact that we do all the little things everyday is really enough most of the time.  But every once in a while if we can do one of these little games of choice, well, that’s icing on the cake!  I think it will be a good talk, and besides, we haven’t really chatted about our arrangement in a while.

Given a choice

I worked late last night and was only able to get about four hours of fitful sleep before having to get up and go to a short meeting at work this morning.  I have to be back to work again tonight in a few hours.  My wife, kids and mother-in-law have left for the day to do some sightseeing in a nearby city.

Before leaving my wife stole a moment alone with me and told me that I was allowed to “mess around” while she was gone.  I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by that.  I assumed she didn’t mean waste my free time playing computer games since she made sure it was a private moment, but I wasn’t sure if she was just giving me permission to masturbate, or permission to cum.  She clarified it for me when she saw the uncertain look I gave her.  She said, “I know it’s been a long time so you can orgasm, but you’ll have to wear the device the rest of the day.  The choice is yours”.  This sent me into a nice little sub loop and I immediately got an erection.  I don’t really mind wearing the device, however my dilemma is that I’d have to wear it at work all night and frankly my work environment often resembles a juvenile, fraternity like atmosphere.  There is a lot of what would in many places be called sexual harassment.  It’s very common in this industry, but seems more so in this family like environment I’m now a part of.  Anyway, aside from being likely noticeable, there is a good chance one of my coworkers will rap their knuckles against my crotch trying to illicit a flinch or a jump or whatever reason they do it.  It would raise a lot of questions if they bruised a knuckle on a metal ring.

As her mother approached the room we were in she wrapped up by telling me that she wanted the kitchen clean before they got home, and she couldn’t tell me when that would be.  As I probably mentioned in posts after visits from my mother-in-law, she tends to make large messes.  The kitchen is trashed just from their breakfast.  It’s pretty amazing how much of a mess it is, really.

So, I’m off to clean and to contemplate.  I’m sure my wife gave me this choice to play with my head.  I’m sure she thinks I’ll choose to wait over wearing the device at work.  It’s very clever of her.  Something else to consider is the possibility that she is considering this my “chance” to orgasm, and if I don’t another may not come up for two, three, even four weeks.

I do have a pair of pants that may offer enough room.  If I keep my guard up perhaps I can avoid any hands coming my way….

ugh.