A Rough December

It’s been a rough month… more actually.  It really started a few weeks before Thanksgiving when our oven died.  That in itself wasn’t horrible, but since then things kept piling up until about 12 days before Christmas.  The day of my work Christmas party our kids were sick on top of all the other stress that had been building up and my wife had reached her breaking point and took it out on me.

She basically felt completely frustrated and alone and in the moment felt like our Arrangement was part of the problem.  She felt that because she was supposed to lead that I didn’t have to deal with all the stress an didn’t do anything unless specifically told to do something by her.  I acknowledged her hurt feelings and let her continue.  She then started into the sources of our stress and how she felt that I hadn’t done anything about any of it and explained all the things that she had done.

I began to feel hurt and angry.  She couldn’t see how much this stress was hurting me as well.  Instead of snapping at her I told her that she had a right to feel the way she did, but then gave her a different perspective.  I started with the oven.  Our old oven was small and wall mounted.  We also had an old, dying stove top.  When the oven died I suggested getting a range to replace the oven and stove top.  To do this I would have to do some work in the kitchen.  My wife ended up disagreeing because she didn’t have faith that I would follow through with the plans.  Instead she just wanted to update and replace what we had… until a salesman essentially advised that we do what I had initially suggested (without knowing I had already suggested it).  With that my wife changed her mind and we bought the range.

With my wife feeling stressed and depressed, however, she remembered it differently.  In her mind I hadn’t done anything until she decided to buy a range, order it and give me a deadline to have the demolition and other work done.  I gently reminded her of this pointing out that it wasn’t that I hadn’t done anything, it had just taken her some time to agree to what I had initially suggested and that I had done everything I had said I would do.  The project isn’t over by any means.  We had agreed that this would be just the start of a kitchen remodel that may take a year or two (since we don’t have the money to do it all at once).

Once she realized that I was right she relaxed a little, but I could tell she was now starting to feel guilty and that wouldn’t help anything.  I also gave her a different perspective on some of the other issues that had been causing us stress and then suggested what the real problem was.  I pointed out the problem wasn’t that she was “in charge”, or that I was “lazy” or any of those things.  The problem was that these issues were piling up and we were both very busy before Christmas and had no time at all to commiserate and deal with what was happening together.  She felt like she was dealing with it alone because she was dealing with it alone, or nearly.  I was dealing with it alone as well.  Hell, I was at work when I got the news that our son required a surgical procedure to correct his vision.  All I wanted at that moment was to be with my family, but I had to work.  In all the stress, and grief and depression my wife only remembered that I wasn’t there.  She didn’t remember why I wasn’t there.  That was secondary to her feeling alone to deal with the news.

When it was all said and done we both felt much better.  It was clear that my wife was relieved.  It also served to reinforce the idea that she doesn’t “lead” because of our Arrangement, but we came up with the Arrangement because for better or worse, the final decision is always hers.  It may sometimes feel like extra stress, but probably is no more stressful than when I make a decision for her and she has to second guess it and often disagree with it (at least initially).

Since that conversation things have been wonderful.  We still have all of the stress to deal with, but she knows she isn’t alone in it.  As a matter of fact she has relaxed enough to the point where her sex drive seems to have kicked in to overdrive.  This hasn’t exactly turned into more sex for me, unless you count cleaning her toys as sex… which I don’t.  Not that I’m complaining.  I enjoyed being in my device all day yesterday while she spent an hour in the afternoon by herself just “messing around”.  When she was done she joined me in the family room and hugged me, then cupped my caged cock while looking deep into my eyes.  It was a wonderful moment of power exchange.  Later that night, as she went to bed, I asked if I might be allowed to fool around a bit as well.  She replied, “Just for a minute… I don’t want you getting carried away”.

Having been allowed to orgasm Christmas day I would guess I’m done for the year bringing me to a total of 20 orgasms.  Four less than last year.  Oddly, at this point last year I felt like I wanted more orgasms.  24 seemed too few.  This time I feel like 20 was too many.  Next year I would love to wait six weeks between releases.  I think that would be HOT!!!

Latest talk

Well, the wife did something yesterday that she hasn’t done much of in the previous few months… use me for sex.  It was very nice, to say the least.  Afterwards I mentioned to her that when I wished her a “happy anniversary” last week she had mentioned we that we needed to talk about our arrangement.  I could tell at the time it was nothing too serious.  It just sounded like a “we haven’t talked about it in a while” type of thing, but we have both been sooooo busy (for a couple of months now it feels) that yesterday was the first time I could bring it up.

Basically she ended up apologizing for not being more proactive.  I, of course, told her it’s not about her having to do things for me, but she is far smarter than that.  She understands that the Arrangement has to be a two way street.  As she said, “lately you’ve been doing all the cleaning and working around the house and not having sex… if we didn’t have the arrangement it would be the same thing”.  Her point wasn’t that the arrangement is pointless, but if she isn’t involving herself in doing things than it is no different than not having the arrangement.  She of course brought up giving me assignments again, which she hasn’t been doing.  I again explained that it wasn’t supposed to be a chore for her, but her point of view is that it personalizes my regular cleaning routine, plus the things she sees that she wants me to clean I may not see.  The problem is she doesn’t seem to have time to give me the assignments any more.  Not that I’m not cleaning, etc.  She acknowledged my cleaning.  Her point is about her involvement.

She seemed to get a little down at times during the conversation, but pointed out, without any prompting from me, that she didn’t want to take a break or end the Arrangement.  She did say she was going to make more of an effort to be involved, which is a wonderful thing, and the conversation ended on a good note.

To lighten the mood a bit at the end I gave her some orgasm statistics.  For me to have the same number of orgasms this year as I did last year I’ll need to have one every four days for the rest of the year.  She laughed and assured me that wasn’t happening.  She did throw me for a loop when she asked what her stats were for the year.  I was caught off guard and pointed out that it was easy to count my few orgasms to her many, but (I’m a dork) she knows that I track both.  I commented that she is probably off her pace from last year a bit as we’ve had a couple of slow months this fall.  However, when I went back and counted she is actually right on track with last year (of course that’s a rough estimate as I never know exactly how many times she cums).

All in all it’s been a very good week.  Anniversary, her birthday, Thanksgiving, using me for sex… good times!

Second Anniversary

Well, today marks the second anniversary of our Arrangement, but sadly it doesn’t have the bells and whistles of last year.  Not that I’m not marking the occasion, and we do both acknowledge it, but frankly we’ve got too much going on at the moment and celebrating what is essentially and arbitrary anniversary is just not on our list of priorities right now.  Her birthday is a right around Thanksgiving, so we’ll be doing plenty of celebrating next week any way.

Still, it is pretty wonderful to know that we are two years into this wonderful journey.  Maybe this weekend we’ll find some way to mark this special occasion.

One of those days

I have an overwhelming desire to be dominated today.  It’s very strange and I wasn’t expecting it, but sometimes I feel this way.  It’s like I have this compulsion to submit and a desire to be used and humiliated.

Sure, I have submissive tendencies and enjoy the power exchange and things like that, but this is one of those occasions where my darkest fantasies seem to have taken hold.

I wonder what has triggered this?

Everything is running smoothely… how boring

It’s been a while since I’ve last posted, mostly because everything is so “routine” now.  There hasn’t been anything new to write about for the most part.  Not that that’s a bad thing, just kinda boring.  The second anniversary of our Arrangement is coming up and everything is great, although a tad dull.  I’m sure it’s partly because it is now so “routine” and partly because I crave something new and exciting.  But I think my wife is also slipping back into her “I hardly ever want to have sex” mode that she occasionally enters.  It’s unfortunate that she sometimes feels that way because whenever she gets over it and ends up having sex several times in a week she looks back and regrets not having sex more often (and I’m sure she ends up feeling guilty about it).  Sure, I want to have sex more often as well, but I know it’s tougher on her than me.

Along with the lack of sex comes the lack of denial.  Of course this leads to one of those quirky, kink related paradoxes where although I was only allowed one orgasm in October it was the only time we had sex.  Therefore there was no orgasm denial.  Granted, it’s a technicality, but this is what I end up thinking about.  Hopefully this will change soon.  She went out of town this past weekend and the night before she left we made love.  After she came she told me I was allowed to orgasm as well but I had to do it in another room because she needed to get to sleep.  I asked for permission to wait, not because I was trying to control the situation, but because I can’t imagine having an orgasm that doesn’t in some way involve her.  I can’t remember the last time I sat alone in a room and masturbated myself to an orgasm.  It’s been well over two years, I know that much.  You’d think it would actually be appealing after all that time but it is the opposite.  The thought of it seems like a let down.  She told me it was OK for me to wait, but expressed that I had already waited a long time.  I told her it had only been four weeks and didn’t feel like a long time at all.  Again, just being honest, not trying to control the situation.

Something else of interest happened as well.  She nearly cried after her orgasm that night.  Yes, it was a pretty intense orgasm, but she told me it was so emotional because it was all from me, no toys involved or anything.  She told me she didn’t know I could still make her cum all by myself.

That comment created all sorts of interesting thoughts on my part.  Part of me felt like a stud and was proud.  The counterpoint to this should be that I would feel badly about her thinking I couldn’t do it without the help of her toys.  Of course I don’t.  I feel good about that too.  It’s nice that I can feel good about her thinking I’m a complete stud while also feeling good that she thought she needed her vibe to help her cum because I just didn’t have it in me anymore.

Well, I’ll leave it there for now.  We haven’t really talked about the Arrangement in a while and with our two year anniversary coming up we are probably due for a “State of our Union” talk.  It will probably consist mostly of both of us talking about how we’d like to do more but other life obligations keep getting in the way or just wear us down too much.  That’s alright, though.  It always feels better after we talk about it.

Football Sunday’s

Since starting our arrangement football season has been a little strange.  On Sunday’s, or whatever day my favorite team ends up playing, things get all turned around.  My wife enjoys letting me sit and relax and watch football while I do a minimum of jobs around the house and she generally takes care of business around the house.  Usually it will involve grocery shopping and or cooking up a nice brunch and then a Sunday dinner.

Well, yesterday was no different, except that I also had a sore back and was distracted by some other thoughts.  As my wife got dinner ready I was researching something on the computer while trying to also keep an eye on whatever game was on.  She told me she was going to need my help finishing dinner to which I made some grunting noise apparently.  She let me know that my answer was far less enthusiastic than she expected from me.

“Yes, my love.  How can I help you”, she prompted.

I repeated the words back trying to focus on her and not pay attention to that amazing run happening on the TV.

She wanted me to finish the mashed potatoes.  Hmmm.  I’m a pretty darn good cook, but I don’t make mashed potatoes.  She does.  Always.  So I get some stuff out and then stand there looking stupid while she stops what she is doing and tells me what to do.  I do this wondering why she just doesn’t do it since there are probably ten other things I could be doing instead.  When I finish I return to the family room and watch more football.

This was apparently the wrong thing to do.  My wife let me know that when I had finished I should have asked her what else she wanted me to do.  At this point I did my best to REALLY focus and helped her finish with everything and get dinner on the table.

As I was setting the table she made a joke about how my service went to hell a day after she had let me “cum in her sweet pussy”.  She then spent the next few minutes teasing me and getting me all hot and bothered before having to sit and eat dinner.

Now, perhaps it is true that my orgasm the day before had something to do with it.  Personally I think it was more the mindset that had been over the last couple of years during football Sunday’s.  I basically have been allowed to act like any other random hubby instead of her househusband who caters to her needs.  Plus my back hurt.  Mostly I think it was the “alpha” male football thing, though.

Of course her comment/joke to me about my service going to hell after she let me cum flipped my switch and I was in a better mindset for her the rest of the night.  It also sent me into a little fantasy world.  ”Yes, my love.  Three weeks is far too soon to be allowed an orgasm.  I think six weeks would be more appropriate.”  To be honest the look in her eye is what really set me off.  Although she was joking there seemed to be something behind her comment.  It seemed to be a calculated joke, not something she had just thought of.

I guess only time will tell.

Just a quick note

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I had changed my attitude about expecting sex.  It was still a pretty new idea to me when I posted it, but I have to say that it has had a dramatic effect on my mental stability.  We are in what I would call a “lull”, but really it’s just life.  Colds, kids, work… the typical things.  It’s not lack of interest, just diminished opportunity.  In the past I’m sure I would have lamented this.  Poor me.  Three weeks with barely any intimacy.  But I have to say that I’m doing great.  Would I prefer more intimacy?  Absolutely!  But I no longer expect it, so I’m not disappointed.  There has even been a few times where my wife has told me that she wanted some action but due to whatever reason we couldn’t.  That probably would have really sent me spiraling out of control before.  Now I’m just content to know that what we have is real and sex or no sex doesn’t change that.  She is the boss and that makes us both very happy.

That’s not to say that I’m not horny as hell.  Because I am.  Really.  Really.  Horny.

Last week she did surprise me a bit.  I had gotten up early to do something and she had told me that I could go back to bed for a little nap.  I took her up on that offer.  A few minutes later she was in bed next to me.  I was so close to sleep.  Next I felt her leg across my lap and heard a familiar buzz.  ”Good for her” I thought as I was drifting off.

“I want you to lick me”.

So much for telling me to take a nap.

No longer tired I went down on her and brought her to an orgasm.  She told me I could edge myself and I dared ask the question I’ve been wanting to ask for quite a while now, “will you please edge me”?

At first she seemed a little taken aback, but I’m sure she saw the puppy dog eyes I was giving her.  Then she got a wicked look in her own eyes.  I was expecting her to lie next to me and half heartedly masturbate me for a few minutes.  Instead she straddled my legs.  That was a surprise.  Then she leaned over and wrapped her lips around my cock for a moment.  I assumed it was for lubrication.  Then she completely shocked me by giving me a real, honest to goodness blow job.  Well, as much of an honest to goodness blow job as one can get in ten to fifteen seconds.  That’s how long it took to get me to the edge.  I probably could have lasted a few more seconds, but I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to stop her or myself in time.  Hell, I’m probably being generous with thinking it lasted 15 seconds.  All I know is that she had a little chuckle at how quickly I got to the edge, “that didn’t take long”.  She totally got off on her ability to tease me with her mouth for a brief moment knowing I wouldn’t be allowed to cum.  It has been years since she had used her mouth like that and now it is fresh in my mind how amazing it is.  And it is fresh in my mind that I will be lucky to feel it again any time soon.

Sometimes vanilla IS kinky!

Well, it ended up being a pretty great weekend.  Of course, it was nothing like I imagined, which it never is.  I said at the end of my last post, “I’m really having a hard time keeping my mind from thinking about all sorts of deviant things, lol.  Oh, the possibilities!”.  Of course this was after explaining that I now understand that it’s best to try not to expect anything, that way you are less likely to be disappointed.  Well, I wasn’t disappointed, even if it would have been fun to do all the deviant things I was fantasizing about.

It turned out to be fairly vanilla, well aside from being told to clean the master suite so that it “felt like a hotel room”, and the pre-party orally induced orgasm my wife enjoyed while I remained in the device.  The device remained off the rest of the weekend, although the cock ring stayed on most of the time.

We had a good time at the party and got to know some new friends a little better.  I guess it’s not completely uncommon, but I was actually a bit surprised to see the two other husbands in our little circle we had formed serving their wives.  I usually don’t see too much of that at the few parties or events we attend.  We all sat around a table, but whenever a wife needed a drink the husband got up and got it.  Did a wife want something else?  Her husband attended to it.  It was nice to see.  I’m not implying this means anything, other than the husbands aren’t jerks.

Eventually we left and headed home.  Her toys had been left on my pillow, but as she had told me earlier in the evening while I went down on her, she would not be needing the dildo that night.  She told me she needed a “good, long, hard fucking”.  She did use her vibe a bit to get warmed up, then had me go down on her again for another orgasm.  Finally she told me she wanted me inside her and it was just good old fashioned sex.  It honestly was very much like the sex we used to have years ago.  I held her in the same ways and made the same moves.  After she came she told me I was allowed to cum and soon did.

The next morning we did something we haven’t been able to do for a long time.  We slept in and woke up and had morning sex.  It was very much like the night before, old fashioned sex.  The same pattern we’d had for years.  I go down on her, then we have sex, then she cums, and just like old times, she allowed me to orgasm again.

WOW!

I hadn’t had two orgasms in consecutive days since… when did I say I started doing this?  It was incredible!  As I lay next to her all I could think was, man, I could enjoy that feeling every day!  I mean, I used to enjoy that feeling multiple times a day!  I mean… Oh… My… God!  What have I done?

It was actually a very enjoyable self inflicted (well, I guess her telling me to cum a second time really induced it) mind fuck.  Yes, I thought about how insane it was to not cum whenever I wanted, but I’m not about to stop what we are doing.  I also know it’s a lot of fun to NOT cum.  Especially for weeks.  You can’t not cum for weeks if you are cumming all the time.

While sitting and watching football last night my wife asked me if I had fun over the weekend.  I assured her I did.  I appreciate that sometimes she just wants to get laid.  I don’t have any problems with that.  I’m sure she was a little worried that I’d be disappointed because she didn’t get all “domme-y” and keep me locked up while she used the dildo.  What is more important to me is that she gets what she wants.  Sometimes she wants it kinkier than other times, and that is great.  This time she wanted it in a very vanilla way.  What’s great about that is that it is so rare for us that it was exciting!  I’m sure she isn’t about to start letting me cum every day, so having that happen in a way could be considered incredibly kinky.  We were doing something “outside the norm”.

As a matter of fact it will probably be a lot more difficult these coming weeks as the memory of how amazing it is to have orgasms only hours apart.  Although I felt incredibly wiped out all yesterday, today I’m horny as hell and ready for more!

My long-ish comment on Thumper’s post

I just finished writing a comment on Thumper’s latest post, but it disappeared when I tried to send it through.  That kind of thing usually frustrates me, but this time it wasn’t so bad because the more I thought about it, the more I thought I could write about it.  So now it’s a post here instead of a comment there.

I totally understand the feelings Thumper is experiencing right now.  It was a little over a year ago that my wife kept me denied for five weeks for the first time.  In the middle of that period I started feeling a frustration due to what I perceived as apathy as opposed to Orgasm Control.  I felt like she just wasn’t really paying attention, not that she wanted me to wait.  My worries were for nothing as the wonderful payoff made me understand that she had indeed intentionally made me wait that long.  That assurance has made the wait in between orgasms much easier.  Because I don’t doubt she is in control, I am free to feel the wonderful frustration of longer periods of chastity to the point of the amazing/confusing moment of “I just want to cum, I hope she doesn’t let me”.

But even recently I was still finding myself having feelings much like Thumper.  I finally realized that I was setting myself up for disappointment by constantly being mentally prepared for sex.  I know that six out of seven nights my wife is more likely to just go to bed, yet every night we are together I seem to put myself in a sexual mindset.  The fix, of course, is pretty obvious.  I finally seem to have accepted that most of the time we just aren’t going to have sex.  Now, instead of being ready for sex, I’m expecting her to just go to sleep.

Last night as she lay in bed and I went to wish her good night and go through our little nightly rituals (fetching her water, etc.) she said to me, “I know that you were probably hoping for some hot sex tonight, but I’m really tired.  You can wait a couple more days, can’t you”?

It was very sweet of her to acknowledge my desire and in the past I may have been very disappointed.  Instead, I had already assumed she was just going to bed and was already thinking about what I was going to watch on TV.  I wasn’t even upset when she forgot to give me my “number” for the night (the edging exercises).

On the other hand I’m now really hyped up about Saturday night.  The kids are going on a sleepover and my wife and I are going to a nice “grown up” party and will have the house to ourselves afterwards.  I’m really having a hard time keeping my mind from thinking about all sorts of deviant things, lol.  Oh, the possibilities!

A new routine

Although I often mention our “talks” about our arrangement, we don’t really discuss it as often as it may appear.  Sure, we can openly talk about it, but it’s not like we do it all the time.  In between, though, when I’m not really sure how to talk about a certain topic, I send out feelers.  I make comments here and there and judge reactions.  I ask certain questions as well.  I need to do this to help figure out what is in my head.  Once I get things figured out enough I can have a conversation about it.

I realised last night that I think my wife is doing the same thing right now.  I think she is making a bit of an aggressive move and is sending out feelers to gauge how I’m dealing with it.  She has made certain comments and asked certain questions.  Nothing too obvious, but it seems to me she is making a mental leap herself and is trying to figure out how it is working in her own mind.

I mentioned in a previous post that she recently used me for oral services while keeping me locked in my device.  It was a fantasy type moment for me and I later told her that.  Since then she has repeated the scene several times.  She also told me during my last release that she found it incredibly sexy to know that my cock is bound while she has amazing orgasms.  She has mentioned it, or made implications about it turning her on a couple of other times as well.  The first time she said it to me I just assumed it was to get the reaction from me that it got, an orgasm.  She had made it clear that she wanted me to cum that night and after her orgasm she doesn’t generally like waiting around for me.  When she really wants me to cum she can generally make it happen pretty quickly.  So, I assumed the comment about how hot she thought me wearing the device while she used me was for effect, not necessarily true.  As I said, though, she has made the same implication a couple of other times.

A couple of nights ago we had a similar oral episode.  She was much more matter of fact about the situation to the point where after I got undressed and asked her if I should get her toys her response could have easily been summed up with, “Duh”.  It is a given at this point (apparently) that I am to bring the toys to bed when she is interested in sex.

As usual she started out with her mini vibe as I lay next to her.  When she was ready she had me go down on her.  After a while, lost in my own little world, I felt her slip in her dildo.  I moved my hand up to use it for her but she pushed it away and told me to “concentrate on my one job”.  I completely lost track of time as I flew through sub space while she writhed in pleasure.  Eventually she pushed me away and came down from her high.  When she could talk she turned to me with a smirk.

“I know you like to quantify everything, but I can’t tell you how many orgasms I just had.  They were continuous most of the time.  They could have been hundreds”.

I’m sure I was shaking visibly as I lay next to her.  I wanted to explode.  I didn’t want the moment to end.  It was the perfect moment where I have the feelings of “all I want to do is cum” and “the last thing in the world I want to do is cum”.  She eventually dismissed me from the room with the duty of edging myself four times before bed.

Last night, about 24 hours later, as we sat watching TV I noticed that my tongue, which had been sore all day, finally felt normal again.  I commented on this to my wife who replied, “Well that’s nothing.  Only 24 hours?”.  I replied that it must be getting used to the workouts.  At this point she tentatively asked me, “Did you have fun last night”?  With that question and some of her comments and implications I believe she really likes what she is doing and is doing it for herself, but wanted to make sure it wasn’t too much for me.  From the beginning she told me that she was a little worried about pushing me to far, something I assured her she couldn’t do.  Not that I can’t be pushed to far, I just know she wouldn’t be interested in any of the things that would be “too far” for me.  Anyway, it seemed pretty clear to me that she wanted to be sure that what she was doing was OK, that it wasn’t too rough on me.  Of course, as I said it is fantasy fodder for me, but it’s nice to know she is concerned.  It’s also nice to know that even though it’s fantasy fodder for me, it clearly something she likes as well, and likes so much that she felt it might be too selfish on her part.  A year and a half ago if i could have constructed a fantasy scene for us to play it would have been this scenario.  In fact, a year and a half ago she asked me to tell her some of my fantasies and I told her this.  I’m sure that knowledge was in her head the first time we did it.  I think she may actually have been surprised at how hot it was for her as well.  I think that’s why she was looking for the reassurance when she asked if it was fun for me too.  When we eventually have our next “talk” I hope she brings this up.  If not maybe I’ll ask her.

Speaking of quantifying…

I’ve been allowed 13 orgasms so far this year and not counting this month there have been 4 months where I was only allowed a single orgasm.  I told this to my wife last night and her response was, “and?”.  I replied, “nothing, just numbers” and stepped away from that land mine.