Positive Changes

I mentioned previously some of the stress we recently went through.  It was a good stress, though.  Our house had been damaged so insurance basically paid for a remodel.  Since then we’ve been trying to make more positive changes in our lives.  One of these changes is my wife starting a side business and expanding her consulting work (on top of her regular job).  She was on the fence about taking these steps until I told her I was here to help.  That’s when it clicked for her.  I’m basically going to be her employee.  The new side business will benefit greatly from the myriad of contacts I have.  She was a reluctant joiner to social networking, but I’ve been involved since the start, so I’ve got quite a list of contacts.  The expansion of her consulting will essentially be her training me to do the work she is already doing which she will check and approve before sending back to the clients.

One of the goals we have set is that the income created from these two new sources will make it possible for me to quit my part time job and be at home full time, which would of course lead to me being able to do more work on the other jobs.

I find it interesting that even though we are no longer in our “Arrangement” we are finding more ways to be wife led.  Long before we stopped my wife told me that some of the changes we had made in our lifestyle could probably never revert back.  Looking back now it’s obvious.  I have my daily list of chores, not that she gives them to me, just that I’m the one that cleans and does certain jobs.  If she sees something that she wants to be done she tells me.  In the bedroom it’s the same as it was before, maybe even kinkier.  I think the difference is she is enjoying herself more because she doesn’t look at it as another thing she has to do.  Now it’s just life.  We have no set of rules that we are trying to follow, we are just doing what feels right.  Most of the time that seems to coincide with our former arrangement without having to have an arrangement, if that makes any sense.

So, how will this change things?  I don’t know.  She is already the main source of income for us and now I’m her employee.  She’s the boss at home and at work, which seems to now be the same thing.  

Speaking of changing things, she has also brought up the prospect of expanding the family.  A few years ago I would have agreed right off, but now I’m the one worrying about how it would effect us.  We are still discussing it, and I’m not outright against it, but right now I seem to only be remembering all the stress involved with child rearing.

She first brought up the idea a couple of weeks ago.  It was time to remove her birth control ring and somehow it had disappeared, so for a couple of days she worried she might be pregnant.  It was a mystery until last night.  

Monday night we had some pretty hot but vanilla sex.  Well, she had me talk dirty to her while she used her mini vibe, which was unusual.  She seemed to enjoy listening to me talk about the last time we’d had sex and she used her purple cock and only let me make love to her as an afterthought. As I made love to her she told me to enjoy it because the next time she was going to be fucking her purple cock again.

Last night was big purple cock night.  She pulled out her vibe to get started and put my tongue to work right away.  She had me lick her while she stuck her vibe in her pussy.  I have to admit I was a little distracted by the thought that it would chip my teeth if I wasn’t careful.  The it was time for the purple monster and more tongue work.  As I licked her and fucked her with that giant cock we solved the mystery of the disappearing birth control ring.  It would appear that the purple monster is big enough to push it out.  This made my wife laugh and brought a pleasant little wave of humiliation.  After that my wife pushed me out of the way and fucked herself while using her vibe.  I was just getting in the way.

She finished and pulled the sheets over herself as I slowly masturbated.  Again, I couldn’t help myself and had to ask her if she was able to go a little longer.  She considered it a moment and pulled the sheets aside.  I slid inside her and made love to her for a few minutes, but the dildo had stretched her out and she was quickly becoming too dry.  She said she was willing to let me go longer, but I could tell she was done so I thanked her and rolled off.

We sat and talked a bit and she laughed again about the birth control ring.  She said there should be a warning on the box about the danger of fucking a big cock.  I didn’t say it, but I thought about the guy she fucked in college with a dick that big.  It wouldn’t a very good birth control if she was fucking him now.

Well, that’s enough time spent blogging.  I’ve got to get to work around the house!

Steady Progress

Things have continued along at this same pace.  I think not having a set of rules (the “Arrangement”) is just right for now.  There are expectations, but no rules.  My wife seems to also be learning more about herself, her wants, needs, desires and limitations.  We were speaking last night about the difficulty she is having deciding whether or not to start a side business or even possibly two.  When I told her I would be more than willing to help her out she seemed a little more at ease and even a little excited at the possibilities.  But she also realized that she is terrible at making big decisions like these.  I pointed out several other instances over the years where she froze up the same way not to be negative, but to point out that her careful consideration is a good trait, but we have missed opportunities because of her hesitation.  It’s time to take a chance.  I told her that in the Art of War there is a saying that making the wrong decision is better than making no decision.  You can not win if you don’t try, essentially.  If you make the wrong move you can make another move to fix it.  She saw the logic and I think we are going forward on at least one of the two options (of course this could change any minute depending on her getting cold feet again).

For the most part I’ve continued to keep up with my usual chores and my wife has prioritized some of my tasks to her liking.  I guess that has replaced my old “Assignments”.  She also seems to be more willing to point out her displeasure when she thinks I haven’t been doing enough.

As well as things are going, and despite the fact that I’m trying to take it slow this time, I found myself once again in a selfish head space.  Last week my wife just wasn’t feeling great and all sexual advances were spurned.  I don’t believe I showed any negative reactions in front of her, but once again I let my feelings of neglect get the better of me one night.  Of course I felt guilty the next day and did my best to make up for it by doing extra jobs around the house.

But I wasn’t the only one left completely horny and ready for action.  This week my wife felt much better and told me to join her in bed Tuesday night.  I got her toys and while I got undressed she used her vibe on herself.  I laid next to her and she spread her legs, one thigh covering my growing erection preventing me from touching it.  I then went down on her and it soon became clear she was feeling more frisky than normal.  She began grinding on my tongue and soon was raising her hips until I was licking her bottom.  She pushed me away and told me she need a big cock inside her and grabbed her dildo.  I then licked her  and the dildo which sent her over the edge.  I knelt back between her legs and slowly stroke myself as she then used the vibrator and dildo together, all the time telling me how much she loved her big cock and how good it felt to get fucked by such a big cock.  She compared it to mine and told me mine was nice, but nowhere near as big.  She came multiple times all while talking about her big cock as I slowly masturbated.  When she was done she told me I could cum.  I was surprised as I hadn’t had a chance to enter her and I can’t remember the last time she allowed me to cum when I wasn’t inside her.

I asked if I could enter her and she considered it a moment.  She decided it would be ok and I moved above her.  As I entered her she continued to talk about the “big cock” and how it stretched her out and how she could barely feel me.  She continued to taunt me and asked me how it felt.  I told her I never felt her so loose and wet and she responded that it’s because the “big cock” made her cum so many times. The teasing continued until I came and she giggled.  She told me to take care of her big cock and let her get some rest.  She never referenced the dildo so many times and used to refer to it as the Purple Monster.  Now, apparently, it’s her “Big Cock”.

As I left the room my head was spinning.  She really blew my mind.  The humiliation was intense and obvious and I loved it.  I also realized she had originally not intended to let me fuck her at all.  She used my tongue, but the only cock she had was the dildo.  Although the feeling of being inside her was amazing I suddenly wished I had done as she intended and just masturbated to completion in front of her.

The next morning my tongue was so sore I could barely speak.  I was pleasantly surprised that even though we had amazing sex the night before I was again summoned to the bed room.  As usual she started with her vibe and then moved on to my already sore tongue.  When she was satisfied with my licking she told me that the “Big Cock” had worn her out the night before and that she was ready for my smaller cock.  I told her how sore my tongue was from the workout she had given it and she replied, “good”.  I made love to her slowly at first until she encouraged me to fuck her harder.  Of course I couldn’t last very long at that pace so she had me stop and had several more orgasms with her vibrator while I held still inside her.  She told me she was done for the night and I rolled off her.  She allowed me to masturbate a few minutes with the stipulation that I couldn’t shake the bed.  Knowing the futility of that I thanked her but left her to get her rest.

She never ceases to amaze me.

Getting back into the groove

Over the last three weeks or so we seem to have gotten back into a nice groove.  I feel like I’m back in a head space where I’m getting everything done as a good house husband should and my wife has been more “aggressive” in having me work or fetch things for her while she relaxes.

I think it really was set into motion a week ago.  Thursday night seems to have replaced Sunday as obligatory sex day.  Of course part of what set our whole arrangement in motion years ago was the idea that she shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex with me if she wasn’t in the mood, but over time we discovered that if she doesn’t set aside time for sex than often it won’t happen at all.  She also figured out that 99% of the time she may not be in the mood, but once she turns on her vibe she gets there in a hurry!

So, we’re having fun in bed, doing the usual things, and I let her know I’m close.  I’m not exactly sure if I should stop or not because although I had asked her a few weeks before to take over control of my orgasms again it hasn’t really been an implicit agreement and so far she had not exercised the right of refusal.  Of course, the other times she encouraged me to orgasm, so that could be looked at as controlling them, but I wasn’t really at a point where I thought we could really discuss it.  I thrust hard into her a couple of times and stopped for a break.  After a moment she pushed me down and was soon grinding on my face.  Then she added the purple monster to the mix and came again.  As she pulled it out I went to enter her again and she seemed surprised.

“You didn’t cum inside me”, she asked?

“No.  Can I enter you again”?

“I’m done.  I had a bunch of great orgasms.  I thought you had cum already so I had you go down on me again”, she said as she got up to go to the bathroom.  I laid on my side of the bed and stroked myself slowly.  ”You may continue, though”, she said as she closed the door.

When she returned I was still slowly stroking myself wondering where this was going to lead.

“OK, you’re done”.

Cue subspace.

It was the first orgasm denial she had practiced in I don’t know how long and it seemed to really get us both going.  As I said I hadn’t been sure about the orgasm control, but I stopped masturbating again anyway, so it was the first time I had gone a week in a long time as well.  

All through the next week she became more dominant outside the bedroom.  She asked me what my plans were for around the house (outside my normal cleaning duties) and I told her of two projects that I wanted to get done.  She informed me that she didn’t care as much about those projects and gave me two projects she wanted to get done.  She also had me cater to her needs much more and even began being a bit more open in front of our kids again.  At dinner one of our boys asked for seconds and my wife replied, “Your father will be happy to get that for you” and she gave me a very sexy look.

Last Monday night I was all over her, practically begging for sex.  Her response was, “anticipation makes it better, doesn’t it” and went to bed.

I didn’t have to wait for Thursday this week.  Apparently the anticipation was too much for her as well and she took me to bed Wednesday night.  After warming up with the vibe to a nice orgasm she pulled me on top of her.  I opened my mouth to speak and she told me “No talking”.  After a minute or so, not very long at all she said, “This isn’t really doing it.  I need the purple monster”.  I reached over and got it and got it wet for her.  I inserted it and raised myself over her as if it were me inside her, not it.  After another orgasm she took it out and used my mouth until she was too sensitive from multiple orgasms.  After a short break she had me enter her again.  ”I really needed that big cock inside me”, she teased.  I told her I could feel how it stretched her out, being so much bigger than me.  She then encouraged me to cum, teasing me and telling me she wanted to feel it.  When I did she told me, “that was nice” and rolled over.  ”Take care of those toys and bring me a glass of water”, she said with out looking at me, and I did.

So, I think it’s been a great few weeks.  I think we both really enjoyed getting back into the groove, but I’m not going to push things.  Right now it’s probably best to just see where it takes us instead of either of us trying to steer it.

Selfish

I think the worst of our rough last six months or so is finally over.  Our life should be getting easier to manage and we are in our nice, newly remodeled home (although the unpacking will continue to go on for a while).

At least we that’s how it should be.  My wife asked me what was on my mind recently and told me she thought I seemed distant and that we seemed to be growing apart.  I told her I didn’t really have anything on my mind other than sex and that I didn’t feel like we were growing distant.

I thought about it the next day and that night I proposed what may be the problem.  I’ve got a new job and right now I only work Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  However I work almost all day those days so still put in nearly a weeks worth of work.  Because of this we essentially don’t see each other for three days and even in our worst of times there was always the fallback Sunday night obligatory sex night which we no longer have.  At this point we started to open up and have our first (formerly known as Arrangement Chat) chat in quite a while.

I started by bringing up the old arrangement and saying we might want to try something different, a new arrangement.

She replied by telling me how incredibly angry she was at me.  She basically vented at me for 30 minutes or so and let out a lot of pent up frustrations.  I acknowledged her frustrations but somehow kept steering the conversation back to sex and my kinks.

Today I feel horrible about it. It was completely selfish of me.  It wasn’t “All For Her” at all.  It was “listen to my kinky desires”.  I told her about how I missed the feelings of humiliation.

Again she responded by telling me how upset she had been.  The night she had mentioned that I seemed distant we were going to have sex.  She seemed hesitant, though.  I was totally horny and being selfish and asked her if she just wanted to have a quickie with her toys.  She went from being hesitant to thinking it was a great idea and brought herself off multiple times while I was stuck in my device feeling desperately horny and completely submissive in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time.  I didn’t even jerk off later (which I’ve been doing plenty of) because I hadn’t experienced those feelings in so long.

So, during our next nights conversation, after I explained the desire for humiliation, she pointed out that she was so mad she didn’t want to have sex with me the night before, and when I suggested her toys she was very happy because she still got to have sex while I didn’t.

Of course, selfish me told her that was perfect!  I got to enjoy the humiliation of her not wanting to have sex with me while she got to have orgasms!

Ugh!

I wasn’t missing her point.  I was just wrapped up in my own selfish, kinky sex world.

So then we had sex.  She used her vibe and teased me while I held up her big purple dildo and showed her how much bigger it was than me.  I asked her if she felt the difference when she used it and she told me, “of course”.  Eventually she let me inside her and stupid, selfish me just went on with my humiliation fetish.  I told her how I wanted to buy a strap on so I could fuck her with the dildo and not my own cock.  She said, “if that’s what you want”.

I lasted much longer than usual (thanks to the jerking off I’ve been doing, I’m sure) and she started to tease me that she was going to make me wait.  That pretty much set me off.  I begged her for another minute and then had a magnificent orgasm.

We then told each other how much we loved each other and she fell asleep.

We spoke briefly today and everything seems fine, but I’m not sure where this is going.

I still feel like an ass for being so selfish, but maybe it needed to be said.

And… back…

And hello again.

Well, the wife decided, way back when, that the arrangement had lost pace with our life.  She was tired of making all the decisions (without denying she enjoyed final call and decisions made) and just needed me to be more of a leader in life and in bed.  The timing was right.  I also felt we needed a change and frankly a change for the “normal”, if there is such a thing.

This didn’t mean everything changed.  Far from it.  But we mostly got rid of the kink in and out of the bedroom.  I made decisions on things that I knew I could do without having to check with her and made them.  I made strong suggestions on other issues I felt needed to be changed but I knew she wouldn’t go along with without her consideration.

All in all we mostly went back to our old lifestyle, save that she still wanted to be catered to often.  If we were sitting watching TV I still got the, “I’d like another glass of wine”, etc.  If coffee wasn’t made I’d not get scolded, but I’d be reminded that I didn’t make coffee and that it was a rough morning because I didn’t make it.

On the other hand we actually had a far rougher time of it in the long run than what had probably initiated the break.  Things went south fast and in hindsight the arrangement was probably destined to be forgotten anyway.

But, as rough as things are now, and they continue to be rough, my wife seems to be leaning more towards our old arrangement.  I’m not going to presume anything, but I think she misses some of the kinkiness, as do I.

We’ve been a little kinkier in the bedroom lately and I’ve finally had some more submissive feelings come to the forefront again, and frankly that has been missing for a long time.

Like my wife (presumably) I wouldn’t want to jump back into our old arrangement.  It’s dated and I don’t think would work for where we are now.

There are a lot of variables that I haven’t gotten into, but I just wanted to be able to post again.  I’ve really missed it.

Anyway, I think if this takes off again it will be with a new mindset.  We will be looking at the whole thing from a different point of view.  It doesn’t make it better or worse, but it will be new and different, while being comfortably the same.  I mean, we will probably do many of the same things, but we will be doing them from a different mental standpoint.  The reasons behind doing the things we may do will not be exactly the same as why we did them before.  And I think that will be fun and exciting.  I look forward to the possibilities.

I think it will be less “kink” oriented, and more “comfort” oriented, and by that I mean comfort for both of us, her looking out for me as much as I look out for her. 

Hopefully I’ll be blogging again soon.

And yet another paradox

I’ve been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now.  They have become worse over the last year and I often have panic attacks while driving.  This is no surprise really, as I’ve had nightmares about car accidents since childhood and I’m also afraid of heights, so a highway overpass can almost shut me down completely.

Because of this I’ve been taking a low dose of Xanax for the past year.  I’d rather not take meds, but because I can’t predict when a panic attack will hit I take a regular dose every day.

I think my wife didn’t really appreciate the severity of a bad attack until she recently witnessed one.  She was a little shaken by how it could completely shut me down (curl up in a ball on the bed for an hour not moving).

Anyway, it appears that she thinks long term orgasm denial may not be helping the situation.  About a month ago she let on to this and told me she was thinking of a new plan.  That night she let me have a release even though we both felt it was a little soon.  Since then it seems to be on a two week basis.

Sunday night she was up late, very tired and a little intoxicated.  Although I’d been hoping to mess around a little I assumed she was headed straight for bed.  As usual I brought her her medicine and a glass of water after she was comfortably in bed.  She surprised me by asking if I’d also brought my “big cock”.

I had.

She played with her mini vibe for a while but it was becoming apparent to me that she’d had to much to drink to reach orgasm.  In our 19 years together I’ve learned to read these things, as you can imagine.  I’ve learned to tell the real thing (which you just can’t fake) from her just trying to get me off.

This is part of what led to our arrangement in the first place.  I didn’t like the idea of her having sex with me because she felt it was her “wifely duty”.

After some time with her vibe, an amount of time that usually would bring multiple orgasms (maybe it brought one), she had me enter her.  It became readily apparent that she wasn’t really getting off and was making lots of sexy moans and groans and comments about my size and how good I felt inside her.  These are the old tactics she used when she wanted to make me cum quickly.

So I was torn.  We were back to square one.  Or are we?

It’s an aspect of our relationship that I didn’t like in the past, but this time it’s different.  She was in control.  She had an agenda.  It had been two weeks since my last orgasm and she wanted to make sure I had another that night.  Regardless of her own enjoyment she took control and had me make love to her and brought me to an orgasm, an orgasm she wanted to make sure I had.

So it’s clearly orgasm control… Right?

I’m not going to think about it too much right now.  I know she’s also fully aware of the lack of intimacy that happened last year and she wants to make sure we don’t let that happen again.  But it’s strange to think that we’ve come full circle, except this time in a different context.

Looks like it’s time for another talk.  I’d like to hear her express her ideas fully and perhaps we can come up with some more options.  If she had ordered me to masturbate to orgasm it wouldn’t have felt so backwards.  I really had mixed emotions over the whole thing.  Clearly the idea of her still being in control of my orgasm won the day, and I once I realized there was no way I was going to make her orgasm first I did my best to “get it over with” for her (although to be honest I contemplated topping from the bottom and trying to draw it out to the point she just couldn’t go on and would give me the double tap letting me know it was over, but I didn’t).

So I guess that’s where we stand right now.  Imperfect, but her choice, so I’ll go with it.  Time will tell how it will work out.

Another year…

So it’s a new year.

Last year was very difficult, but we got everything straightened out in our relationship and ended on a high note.  I ended the year with only 15 orgasms, which you think would be a good thing as I had suggested at the beginning of last year that perhaps I should be limited to 16 for the year, but, as I have previously said it was for all the wrong reasons.

Since our last talk my wife has become more aware of our intimate times and has made sure that even if she is “too tired” or “not in the mood” she makes herself available to intimacy in some way.  Maybe it’s cuddling time or just making sure to let me know that she is looking forward to the next time we are able to be intimate.  This has been very reassuring and has really helped put us on better ground relationship-wise.

I seem to have lost some of my submissive drive again, which does seem to ebb and flow, but I haven’t lost the desire for our dynamic, which is fortunate since my wife has made it clear that she prefers our arrangement and wants to keep it this way.  When we are in bed it’s easy to slip into the submissive mode, but other than that I’ve had to take a little more of a leadership role in the relationship and I think this was needed to help my wife out with day to day things.

This year has started pretty well.  Although money is still tight I’ve gotten some good news on the side business front and there is the potential for some extra cash to be coming in, but more importantly more doors have been opened for future business and possible investments in this side work (hopefully to become the new career).

Things have also improved on the Arrangement front.  My wife has made sure to keep me on my toes (although probably less than at our peak, but we are taking small steps).  I’ve been allowed one orgasm so far this year, but opportunities for sex have been rare (no fault of our own).

We did have a very exciting birthday night for me.  My wife summoned me to the bed room where she had been playing with her vibrator and had just brought herself to an orgasm.  I quickly stripped and joined her in bed.  We made out like teenagers for a bit before she told me she wanted me inside her.  I was a little slow to get an erection so she did something she hadn’t done in… I don’t know… seemingly forever.  She gave me oral sex for a good 30 seconds or so before I had to pull out of her mouth lest I go too far.

That was pretty amazing and I let her know it.  She found it amusing that I couldn’t last that long and teased me about it and about how rare it was that I would get more oral from her.  After composing myself I entered her and she encouraged me to some pretty hard screwing until I again needed a break.  She had me hold still inside her as she again used her vibrator to bring herself to several more orgasms.  She was so loud I worried she’d wake the kids.  She again teased me about how many orgasms she was having and asked if I could feel it (which I could).

She then pulled the old, “do you want to cum”?  Before I could answer she continued, “I know you do, don’t you…”.  As I groaned in response she followed with, “but you don’t want to either.  I know you want both and can’t decide, can you”.  I made some kind of affirmative grunt and she told me that she would have more fun if I had to wait.  She laughed and teased a bit more as I made a few more thrusts before having to pull out being so close to the edge.  I held her close as I trembled in the sub zone.

“Maybe we can have more fun tomorrow night.  Maybe you can fuck me with the big dildo.  Won’t that be fun”?

Again I grunted some kind of affirmative answer as I trembled and thanked her and told her how wonderful she was and how kind she was to me.

“Kind?  I think having so many orgasms and bringing you to the edge and not letting you cum is pretty mean, and I like that”.

Uggghhhh!  Heaven.

Perhaps I should be wearing the device today.  I haven’t done that in a while.

First “Arrangement Talk” in a long time

Well, we had our first talk in a long time last night about the arrangement.

It had been a long rough day, and my wife had earlier been informed of a loss in the family, so I had planned on putting it off.  My wife, however knows me well and could tell I wanted to talk.  I tried to beg off, but she sat down and told me to get whatever it was off my chest.

I stumbled a bit at first trying to set it up and put it in perspective and she told me to basically spit it out.  So I did.  I told her that I got her message of her opinion of my “cumming too much” and “it’s not always about the sex”.  I then gave her the statistics.  I could see the stunned look in her eyes as she took it in and sat quietly for a moment before responding, “those are some sad stats”.  She got it.  But as it all set in she got a bit defensive and tried to rationalize it all.  I told her that she was right on all counts and justified in her beliefs that she is the prime bread winner, the runner of the household, etc. and the high stress.

I explained that all this was true, but it has been true for years now.  The main difference that stands out, though is the correlation between the high feelings of stress we both feel and the problems with anxiety I’ve been dealing with over the last year.  I pointed out a lot of things she already knows, like how sex releases all those feel good chemicals that help with these things, and if we have only been intimate 19 times this year as opposed to, let’s say roughly 60-70 last year and 140-ish the previous year, then it seems like the lack of intimacy could be a main culprit in our problems.

I also explained how I saw the arrangement as adding to the stress so stepped back a bit from it while she saw my pulling back as adding to the stress of the arrangement.  I told her that arrangement or not, the lack of intimacy would cause the disconnect in any relationship and if ending our arrangement would help then so be it, because the only important thing to me was the health of our relationship.

At one point she broke down and cried and I comforted her.  She asked what I thought needed to happen to fix things.  I explained how she told me in the past (and from what I understand is a familiar feeling in many women) that often she wouldn’t be in the mood initially, but once we started she would warm up to it and usually ended up having her best orgasms.  She agreed with that.  I then said that perhaps we had to go back to an old fashioned (for us and many others I’m sure) scheduled night of sex.  Sunday night will be “sex night”.  We’ll take it from there.  It doesn’t have to be only Sunday, but hopefully having sex regularly will help her to remember how GOOD sex is.

She realized that she had taken the “all about her” aspect to the extreme and that I clearly needed attention as well and saw that her extreme view was also detrimental to her.

As I put her to bed I told her that I was fine if we needed to stop the arrangement and start fresh.  She was dead set against that.  ”Nothing is over”, she informed me.  ”The arrangement stays”!

It was rough, but we never should have let it get that bad.  I think things will turn around from here.

Frustration, and not the fun kind

Last night as my wife set off for bed she asked me for a back rub.  This often, not always, but often, leads to other things.  Seeing as she seems to have sparked renewed attention to our arrangement and that she knows how I have been on edge since our last intimate encounter I was hoping for something more than the back rub.

She laid on her stomach and I straddled her to give her the back rub.  When she was satisfied I rolled off to the side (quite worked up).  I gently caressed her and planted small kisses on her shoulder.  She turned to me and said, “this isn’t always about sex”.

Huh.

She mentioned that the other day as well.  She must think we are having an awful lot of sex.

The problem is, from my point of view, this year it has always been NOT about sex.  We have been intimate a mere 19 times since January 1.  This has been a large factor in my stepping back from the arrangement.  This isn’t a pleasant teasing denial.  This is disregard.  There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because there is no rainbow.  It’s just gray and dreary out.  Over the year I stopped holding out hope that things would change.  A few years back we were intimate 2-3 times a week.  Last year 3-5 times a month.  Now we are intimate once every 5-7 weeks.  Fourteen of our 19 encounters ended with me being allowed to orgasm.  It’s like we’ve moved from chastity for me to celibacy for us.

So last night I felt a great frustration.  Not the pleasant frustration of being allowed to give and not receive, just the frustration of realizing my wife and I are clearly not on the same page right now.  This lack of intimacy is brutal.

Being set straight

It’s been a long time since the last post.

As the title of the post announced, break time was over… or was it?

The stress and strain of real life continued and although I kept up with a lot of our arrangement rules I felt that I should let up a little as I felt that the arrangement only added to the stress on my wife.  It wasn’t entirely gone, but it seemed to be pushed to the back burner.

Yesterday i was informed that I was severely mistaken.

I asked if my wife would like some “us” time yesterday as the kids watched a movie.  I showered and waited for my wife.  I brought out the toys and put on my cock ring.  When my wife was ready she had me go down on her.  After her first orgasm she took a break and I told her I had put fresh batteries in her vibe.

“Good”, she replied.

She then brought herself to another orgasm with the vibe.

After that I asked if she wanted the Purple Monster.  She did.  She slid it all the way in.  My God that thing is huge.  She took it all with pleasure.  She told me to show her my cock so I got on my knees near her head and presented myself.  She then did what I had fantasized about for years.  She slowly stroked me to the edge while bringing herself to another orgasm.  As I shuddered in agony/ecstasy she told me to slowly fuck her with the dildo.

After several orgasms I asked if I enter her.  She let me and I lasted a few minutes before having to pull out.  She used the vibe a little longer and got herself off a few more times.  She then allowed me to masturbate for a few minutes.

While I masturbated she let me know she was disappointed in my service.  Not only that, but disappointed that I had apparently given up on the arrangement.

That is how deep we are into the arrangement.  Things that were once special are now normal, so to say that I had given up on it means that she expects more.

To be honest, though, I had let things go a bit.  As I said I felt like it was added stress to my wife’s life and also I was just feeling selfish and lazy.

My wife cleared this all up and told me how I have been disappointing her by not catering to her needs more.  In her times of stress with work and life I should be offering myself to her more, not less.  I should be asking how I can help her more and not relying on her asking me to do/get things for her.  I should be anticipating her needs and finding ways to surprise her or finding ways to please her.

Duh.  I can be very ignorant at times.  And selfish.  And lazy.

She continued on to tell me that she has seen a drop off  in service between orgasms and that I she thinks she has let me cum too often.

This is where this blog is going to start sounding like fantasy fodder.

Really?  I cum too often?  I’ve had 14 orgasms this year and one of those wasn’t really an orgasm, just an ejaculation.  I think this may be where she thinks I cum too often.  A few weeks ago while we made love she told me I could cum.  I felt the build up and told her I was going to cum and right before orgasm I told her it was gone.  I was baffled.  I didn’t know what had happened.  I told her I didn’t cum and she told me I had.  I pulled out and it was obvious I had ejaculated.  If it wasn’t for my obvious worry she probably wouldn’t have believed me.  It had been six weeks since my previous release.  To make up for it she let me orgasm a week later and asked, “was that  better”?

Anyway, I asked her what letting me cum too much meant (I’m guessing I’m done for the year) and she listed all the things she expects from me, including the fact that I missed our 4 year arrangement anniversary.

Aaaaahhhhh!

How is it that I missed it and she remembered?!?!

All this time I worried that she felt this was more about me and my kinks than her and her needs.  Instead this has become such an ingrained part of our life that she knows it’s about her and her needs and wants and not about what I think.

This post has been a bit of a ramble but my mind is just racing right now and I wanted to catch everyone up.  I’ll probably be posting more regularly.  Hopefully I’ll have interesting things to say and not just repeating what I’ve posted over the years.

Huh.  How about that.  This blog has been going for several years.