Is this arrangement sustainable?

Last week I got a comment on my “About” page (which should probably be updated).

Not so much found yourself there, but got yourself there. All power to her, for letting you get there. However, if I were you, I’d just get on with enjoying it, and may it be heaven for you for the rest of your life,.. Then, of course, a question arises.. how will you feel about this when you’re 70? Think about it, and ask her. How long did you think this might last?

How will I feel about this when I’m 70?  I can’t imagine.  I’m wondering how I’ll feel about this in a few months.  Sometimes I don’t know how I’ll feel about it tomorrow.  The deeper we get into this the more permanent it seems and the more I start wondering if I’m going to regret it someday.

I don’t regret it now.  Right now my wife and I are having the time of our lives.  Our arrangement has brought us closer than we have been in years and our relationship is much stronger.  But I still have doubts sometimes as to whether I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.  When we first talked about this it was agreed that if there were any problems we’d stop and go back to “normal” and that we might grow out of it, or some our situation may change where this arrangement would no longer work for us.  The longer we do it, however, the more difficult I think it will be to stop.  My wife has surprised me with how Dominant she has become and how happy she is to be in this arrangement.  I honestly don’t know if she would be happy if tomorrow I told her that I couldn’t do it anymore.  I know she would agree and would want to look out for me, but would she be happy?  It’s a fair question.  To go from what we have now to what we had two years ago would I think be a very difficult step for my wife.

I don’t dwell on this question, but like I said, the longer this goes on, and the deeper we get into it, the more difficult it will be to end it.  And I am reminded of that when I see my wife get more comfortable and take more pleasure from our arrangement. 

There were multiple instances of this yesterday, and far fewer “please” and “thank you” as well.  When dinner was ready she dished the children’s food out while telling me, “serve me”.  She didn’t get up once during dinner.  Anytime anything was needed she had me get up.

While we were watching TV she put her feet out and said, “I want you to rub my feet”.  And not in a sweet way.  It was a very direct statement, a command.

She had told me about a new friend she made from the seminar she’s been attending all week.  They have hit it off great and her new friend, a female by the way, asked her out to lunch.  My wife said her friend was fascinated by my being an at home dad and had lots of questions about it.  By the questions she was asking my wife it sounds to me as if she were feeling out if I was a wimpy type of guy (I’m not), which made the woman more amazed that my ego could handle my wife being the bread winner.  She wanted to know how my wife got me to stay home and clean the house and do what a wife does.  My wife continued to brag about it as she loves to do.  She actually told me that she told her friend that “he knows I’m a powerful woman”.  WOW!  What’s funny is that this woman is married to a very successful lawyer who makes a large sum of money, far more then her, yet she said she would be happier losing his income to have what my wife and I have.

Now, if my wife gets off on bragging about how she wears the pants and I cater to her and vacuum and mop, etc., could she be as happy as she is now if I told her I didn’t want this anymore?  I don’t really want to find out, and hopefully I won’t have to.  I would think that our arrangement will continue to evolve and a few years down the road the it may not resemble our current arrangement at all.  Perhaps it will be more similar to where we were a few years ago.  It’s really impossible to know.

But, even with my occasional worries that I’m getting more than I bargained for, I think I’m doing what I really desire.  I think I’ve found evidence of this in an erotic story I wrote for my wife many years ago.  I can’t remember exactly when I wrote it, but I think it was shortly after we were married, as it takes place on a honeymoon, so it would be more than 8 years ago.  I had recently remembered this story and found it on an old cd-rom.  I tried to open it but I put a password on it and of course can’t remember the password.  Anyway, I then remembered I had a hard copy.  I found it in the first box I looked in, amazingly enough.  I reread my story and I have to say that it’s a little cliche, but pretty freaking HOT!  It’s a cuckold story.  It was a fantasy of mine that I captured on paper.  It involved bondage, cuckolding, forced bi, humiliation, D/s, light cbt.  When my wife read it years ago she thought it was sexy as hell.  I remember her asking which man I was.  I told her I was both, which was true to an extent, but I was really getting off on the D/s. 

I gave the story to her to read thinking she’d find it an enjoyable bit of erotica again.  Of course I didn’t take into consideration our new dynamic and the fact my wife often suspects a submissive subtext to things I say or do when there often isn’t any.

Last night I asked her if she’d gotten around to reading the story.  I was fishing for complements on my writing, to be honest.  She told me she had a very difficult time reading it because she kept thinking to herself, “Is this what my husband really wants”?  It made her very uncomfortable and she told me that.  I had a “smack yourself in the forehead” moment as I realised I should have given her more warning.  She didn’t remember the story until she had read it, and in the context of our arrangement she saw it as a description of what I want to happen. 

“Do you really want that”, she asked? 

I assured her that, no, I did not want to be cuckolded.  I told her I couldn’t handle it.  I did tell her that the fantasy was exciting, for reasons I don’t know, but there is no way in hell that I’d ever want to be tied up while my wife and a guy with a 10 inch cock humiliate me and force me to blow him and clean my wife up afterwards.  That would destroy me.  But I told her that I now see how I really was both characters, the big studly guy and the submissive husband.  I told her that when I wrote it it was only a fantasy.  It was just erotica.  But now I see that it was obviously more.  Could it be that my subconscious was expressing my submissive desires?  And as we talked about that I realised something else.  Even when I wrote it, 8-10 years ago or whenever, I was projecting a role of Dominance on my wife.  That was an eye opener for both of us.  I think it just affirmed that this isn’t a fad.  This is nature taking it’s course.

So, what will this be like when I’m 70?  I don’t know.  But whatever it is, I think my wife and I are better off for having started the journey.