Feeling her wrath…

The other night while paying bills my wife came across a credit card bill of mine.  I was folding laundry and watching tv when she came storming into the room demanding to know how I spent so much money in so few days.  I was taken aback by the whole thing and didn’t know what to say.  We have been together for a long time and have had maybe 2 or 3 fights in all those years.  I couldn’t remember the last time she was this angry at me.  As she read off the bill to me it became clear.  I explained that when she went out of town to see her sister she told me not to use the debit card because she knew bills would be tight with me not bringing in money while I was home with the kids 24/7.  So, I had to use a credit card for all the shopping and gas and what not.  She was still angry, but after that I think she was more angry at herself.  She pointed out that she told me to take that credit card out of my wallet in the past.  She may have, but I didn’t recall her saying so.  Needless to say I took it out immediately afterward.

I felt horrible about the whole thing.  It wasn’t a pleasant experience at all.  Yet, underneath it all was a strange feeling.  A feeling of… excitement?  I’m not sure.  But as small as she made me feel, it was good to see her being so powerful and controlling.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was in no way sexually excited or enjoying the situation in any way at all.  But I guess I was proud to have such a strong wife.  Strong because of her look of utter disbelief and anger that I could be such an irresponsible idiot with our money, and strong because although she was still angry she was able to apologize to me for yelling at me, while still pointing out that I should know better and that some of the purchases she still disapproved of.  To be honest, I’m not sure one of the charges is legitimate.  I’ll have to investigate that.  At one point I was almost sure she was going to take away my credit cards entirely, which I would not have been very happy to do, but I would have done it.

I wonder how I would have reacted to all this a few months ago, before I realized that she had been running the show all along.  It probably would have turned into an argument instead of being one sided and it may well have ended up with me walking out of the room as I hate to fight, so in the past I’ve just walked out of arguments until we’ve calmed down (the 2 or 3 times we’ve had them, lol).  I think the fact that I’ve come to understand our dynamic better helped resolve the situation more easily.  I wonder if she see’s that?  I wonder if she considered taking away my cards?  I wonder if in the midst of her anger she considered some kind of punishment?  I’m not sure that I ever want to find out.