Fooling myself?

Well, it’s been about a month since my last post.  I guess I have been reading too much into my wife’s actions.  I’m not sure.  So, I’ve decided to try to “lay off” of the whole thing for a while.

I’m doing this because a couple of weeks ago my wife had a little bit of a melt down over what I had intended to be a cute little joke.  I had started a “to do” list and before leaving for work I had added at the top of the list “Give [wife’s name] a mind-blowing orgasm”.  I thought it was cute.  Apparently it was too much for her as she told me the next day that she felt too much pressure to perform and that she can’t always have orgasms and that it was all too much for her.  She not only felt pressured, but also like there was something wrong with her because who wouldn’t love a husband that wants to make her wife cum all the time?

I explained to her that this was having exactly the opposite effect that it was intended to and I just wanted to make her happy, not pressured and insecure.  So, right then I realised that I was definately doing something wrong, and I decided to “lay off”.

Of course, after that we went to bed and she had a mind-blowing orgasm which led her to question herself about what she was so worried about anyway. 

But, since then we have had no sexual contact at all.  I’m not following her to bed in such a way that I’m implying I’ll get some.  I’m just waiting for her to ask me to join her.  Sure, I go in and tuck her in and offer assistance with her crossword, but I’m not fidgeting about wondering if I should offer to give her oral sex.

I’m not saying I don’t want to.  I’m just doing what I guess I should have been doing all along.  Instead of telling her how long I’ve gone without an orgasm and how much I want to please her sexually, I should have just been sitting quietly waiting for her to tell me when she wanted to have sex/make love/etc…

I’m not sure how I feel about this whole thing now, though.  I needed some kind of aknowledgement of what I was trying to do and that was exactly what she didn’t want to do.  In fact, that was one of the things that stood out to her when she read the Aroundherfinger.com page.  She didn’t like the idea that there had to be explicit aknowledgement that I was submitting to her.  So, she treated everything I was doing as “oh, isn’t that nice” and “oh, you don’t have to do that” when I wanted her to say “I would like another drink” and “rub my feet”.  So, I guess that all built up to her feeling all the pressure and what not which is the opposite of what I wanted to happen.

I’m not sure where to go from this point on.  I’m very busy with work right now and we don’t seem to get to spend much private time together, so for the time being I guess I don’t have to think about it too much.  But then I look at my “to do” list and see things that she has added and I see that they are things she could easily do herself.  I see the dishwasher that I ran before going to work last night still full of clean plates and the kitchen trashed and piled with all the dirty dishes from last nights dinner and this mornings breakfast.  I think to myself, huh, I got about 4 hours of sleep between coming home from work and getting up to watch the kids.  She put the kids to bed an hour or so after I left for work last night.  Why is the dishwasher full of clean dishes?  You see.  I’m bitter.  I wasn’t bitter before, because I thought that we were in this wife-led-marriage.  Well, before I realized it was a wlm, I thought we just didn’t have enough time in our busy lives to do all the cleaning and what not.  Then I had my revelation about the nature of our relationship.  My wife and I seem to be incredibly happy during this time and the house is cleaner than it’s ever been.  Then things start to unfold a bit as I start to worry about the number of my orgasms to her orgasms because I realise that she just doesn’t care.  She’d be happy to let nature run it’s course and whoever has an orgasm has an orgasm.  Not that she wasn’t enjoying the extra attention, because she was, when she wasn’t feeling pressured by the extra attention.

Sigh.

It was father’s day that I really felt frustrated about.  I was frustrated because I felt cheated on my gift and because of that felt guilty and felt like I clearly wasn’t really into a wlm and didn’t really believe in treating my wife like a queen.  I was upset with her because I feel like her gifts to me don’t equal my gifts to her.  That’s not how you show devotion and adoration to your wife.  I should have been happy.  Despite the fact that she had asked me what I wanted for Father’s Day on Mother’s Day, and I told her what I wanted, she didn’t get me that.  OK.  I could accept that.  I told her that it might be difficult to buy a cock ring for me.  So, not getting a cock ring wasn’t what upset me.  What upset me was that I had found a new band, got their cd, found that I really liked them and then saw they would be coming to town soon.  I played the cd for my wife and she liked it.  I told her they were coming to town and asked if she wanted to go to see them.  She said sure.  I told her I would buy the tickets the next day.  Of course, the next day she tells me not to buy the tickets.  Right then I knew that she had bought them and was going to give them to me as my “gift”.  I mean, that would be like us going to a department store and as she goes to pay for her clothes I pull out my charge card and say “Happy Birthday”.  If she didn’t want to buy the gift I asked for I could have given her a list of things I’ve wanted to get as gifts for years that she never gets me.  Instead, I ask her on a date and she presents the date to me as a gift.

Still, I should have been happy.  The night of the concert she took me to dinner.  She paid with the cash out of my pocket.  I should have been happy.  Then, right before the band starts playing she realises that I had asked for a cock ring and that a store across the street sells them but it was too late now.  I should have been happy.  The reason I wasn’t happy was because she wasn’t doing this to show she was in control.  She was just doing it because she was being herself.  Yet, if I were to point out that I want to be treated that way, only she has to aknowledge that she can take my money to buy me dinner, she would be upset.  She would deny it.  She would worry about it.  She would feel guilty.  She would feel pressured.

So, I’m not sure what to do at this point.  I describe a Fathers Day gift that could have been totally sexy.  My wife leading me by my balls.  Instead, it was a gift I was ultimately disappointed in.  Sure, the concert was great and I had a blast, but it could have been so much more.

How do I explain I want her to be herself, but I want her to recognize that she runs the show?  How can I explain that I want to go back in time and have that same Fathers Day gift, done the same way, except with her KNOWING what she is doing.  How do I explain that I want her to buy me dinner with my money, but with a look that says “I know I’m the boss”?

Well, I guess that’s it for now.  I guess I’ll just stay in this holding pattern for a while and try to figure it out.

Advertisements