Another tiny step?

Well, last night I was certain that my wife was going to want to make love.  I, of course, was wrong.  She once again just wanted to go to sleep.  As I went in to “tuck her in” I had an obvious raging hard-on beneath my shorts.  She saw it but said nothing.  As I realised that I wasn’t going to get any, I had a nearly overwhelming urge to lay some guilt on her (which I believe is how I acted last time after denying myself and being denied for any period of time).  I knew that would be wrong, so I tried my best to not do it.  I laid next to my wife for a few minutes and talked with her instead.  She asked me if there was anything I needed.  It was clear that she just wanted to go to bed, and I’m not really sure if she was probing me to see if I said “Yes!  I need a blow job!!!” or not, but I told her I was fine as I trembled and leaned over to kiss her passionately, but hopefully not desperately.

She asked if I would bring her a cup of water so I went to the kitchen and came back with some water for her.  As I approached her side of the bed she stared at the even bigger, harder erection that was tenting my shorts.  She drank the water, thanked me and laid down and closed her eyes.  I kissed her lips, then her forehead and wished her “sweet dreams”.

Next I watched some TV and contemplated some things.  First, my aching balls.  I don’t think my wife will ever take pleasure in denying me and leaving me with blue balls.  She just doesn’t have a sadistic bone in her body.  Even if I want to be left feeling that way sometimes, or rather prefer to feel that way than feel like she is having sex when she doesn’t want it and doesn’t even care if she orgasms herself.  So I wondered today if this is something that would slowly change over time with communication and small steps.  Would she come to appreciate my feelings and possibly tease me about my blue balls as she goes to sleep one night leaving me without orgasm for 2 weeks?  That would make the medicine sweeter, but I’m not sure it is anything she’d ever do, outside possibly a drunken, fun weekend play time.

Then again, that makes it more about me, though.  Granted, of course it’s about me, but once again, there is the paradox of the situation.  We both need to be getting something out of it.  I’ve been very happy with these tiny steps, but I’ll need to figure out these bigger concepts at the same time or else this will never work.

Oh, well.  My wife left me a sexy note before leaving for work this morning.  Hopefully she intends to “jump me” tonight!

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One tiny step at a time

It seems that as time has passed from my last go at an overt WLM, my wife has slipped back into her regular ways.  When I first brought up the fact that we were in a WLM to her she commented that it made her very self-conscious of everything she said and did.  I guess she didn’t like the idea that it was somehow different than what others would call a “normal” relationship.  That’s odd in itself because we’ve never a very conventional couple, but I guess I understand it.

Anyway, I guess she doesn’t think about it anymore and she has slipped back into her more controlling ways.  One of the things that’s different about it this time is that I’m aware of it!  She nearly ripped my head off last week for making an impulse buy of a $4 item that she had a coupon for to receive for free.  Well, it was an impulse buy and I didn’t know she had a coupon and, well, it was only $4.  As I started in with my “What’s the big deal?” response she cut me off saying that “I should know better” etc.  I quickly changed attitudes and was very humble and apologetic and explained that I understood her and it wouldn’t happen again.

On the plus side, I used Red Book to help her feel more comfortable with being on the “receiving” end.  I’m not sure how long it’s been since my last orgasm.  Unlike last time, I no longer keep track.  I do know that it was before my last post, so at least a week, if not longer.  Anyway, I’m going crazy with desire, but I’m not being pushy about it.  I let my wife know during the day that I find her desirous and that I’m ready for her when she wants me.  Of course I don’t phrase it that way.  I try to make it fun and sexy and I’ve been successful at it.  I think she would have let me know if I was coming on too strong or being “creepy” about it, which is a vibe I think she often got in the past.

Well, last night I got home from my new job where I’m required to wear a black dress shirt and black pants.  My wife bought me the shirt for the job and it’s fitted, and she loves how it looks on me.  So, when I got home she commented on how sexy I looked and I said “well, I guess I can keep it on for a while longer” instead of just getting comfortable.

After about an hour I said I was going to get changed, and she told me to keep it on.  So I did.  Through out the night I served her drinks and we chatted.  She called me her “sexy waiter”.  I liked that a lot.  I had offered to rub her back earlier while she was stretching and commented on how her back ached, and although she said yes, she didn’t put herself in a position for me to give her one, so I just waited until she gave me a sign.

That sign never came and it became clear that once again she was too tired for sex and wanted to go to bed.  As she got ready for bed I finally got out of my work clothes and into something more comfortable.  As she settled into bed she asked me to hang out and talk to her.  I’ve learned from the past that this usually means that she knows I want sex, but she’s not really into it, so she wants me to hang out with her and “get her in the mood”.  The problem is, she isn’t into it.  She just does it to get me off so she can go to bed without guilt.  I’ve told her in the past I’d rather she just get some sleep, but decided to take a little tiny baby step to try to help empower her towards accepting orgasms without reciprocating. 

First I asked her about her upcoming work day.  She explained to me how difficult it was going to be, and stressful, and how she was really going to have to concentrate to make sure that there were no mistakes, as she there wouldn’t be any second chances for this assignment.  It had to go out right the first time.  I could see how tense this was making her.  This is where I made my move, and got to use a Red Book article.  It’s entitled “27 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex”.  There were several comments on this list that I thought my wife could really take to heart, but I mentioned only one to her.  I explained to her that I wanted her to have a good night sleep, and that I would love to help her relax.  I told her about the article in her Red Book and pointed out that #26 says “It’s OK to simply take.  Consider how you feel when you perform a one-way act on your guy- you get a certain pleasure out of that, right?  Don’t deny him the same joy.”

With that she smiled and agreed, but asked that I rub her back first.  I got out some lotion and gave her the best back rub I could and felt the tension pour out of her.  I had her moaning and writhing in just a few minutes.  When I finished I gave her time to roll over and get comfortable and kissed her for a few minutes more.  I slowly kissed my way down her body and made love to her with my mouth.  It actually went on much longer than I thought it would.   Usually I bring her to the edge very quickly and she either cums or has me stop so that she can cum with me inside her.  But this went on for quite a while.  I loved every minute of it and when she came and clamped her legs around my head I was afraid I was going to cum in my boxer-briefs! 

After she finished I held her in my arms for a bit until she asked me to get up and get her some water.  I went to the kitchen, got her water and returned.  She saw my enormous erection in my briefs and asked me if I was going to be OK.  I assured her I’d be fine and kissed her forehead and wished her sweet dreams.  I left the room to watch a little TV and revel in the sweet pain of my blue balls.

It’s through baby steps like these, and more communication, that I hope my wife comes to see that I don’t want to “change” her.  I just want to show my love a little differently.

It’s been a while

Well, I haven’t written anything in a while because I just didn’t know what to write.  I was feeling a little lost after going back to “normal”.  Everything has been going great, however.  My wife and I are very happy and things really seem to be going our way.  A week or so ago I was actually wondering to myself if I had just gone through a weird “fad” or something.  I actually found it hard to imagine doing all the things I had been doing – like all the extra cleaning and spoiling of my wife.  It seems like so much… work!  I was shaking my head and thinking that I must have been crazy.  I just couldn’t put myself in the same spot mentally.

Well, looking back at everything now I understand why things worked out the way they did.  As much as I felt like I was taking baby steps, I see I was rushing headlong into things with not nearly as much communication as I needed.  My wife clearly appeared to be willing to work with me a bit, but ended up feeling pressured to perform a role instead of just being herself.

So, I found myself wondering, was she ever really the dominant person in the relationship?  Was I just nit picking the occasions where I gave in to her or she told me the way something was going to go?

Maybe.

But a few days ago we were having some hot sex and she came and it became clear that she was done.  I knew I only had a few moments so I tried to cum as quickly as I could.  But, instead, my wife let me know we were done, even if I wasn’t.

BAM!

I was right back in subspace.  That’s all it took for me to go right back to the mental state where I just want to do everything I can to please her and spoil her.  But, I’ve learned my lessons as well.  So I haven’t said or done anything different, for the most part.  Last night, while she talked to her friend on the phone, I cleaned up the dinner and picked all the kids toys up off the floor in the family room.  When I was done she finished her phone call and thanked me for all the cleaning.

I had been alluding to her all day about how much I was anticipating sex that night.  She had responded positively to me as well.  So, as bed time approached I was ready to jump her.  We went to bed and as I began undressing my wife stopped me and told me that she was too tired and that I would have to wait until Friday.

BAM!

Well, I’m seriously going to take it slowly this time.  And I’m going to talk to her about anything that might seem to be a change.  Perhaps, eventually, I’ll work up to maybe setting up a “sexy weekend” deal where she is overtly in control one weekend and I’m dominant the next. 

Until then, thanks for all the positive feedback.  I really appreciate it.  That’s why I started writing here in the first place.