Out of synch

Sunday night, after a pretty great day, I followed my wife to bed hoping to be invited in for some fun.  My wife then expressed frustration (as she has in the past) about our sexual clocks being out of synch.  I quietly pointed out that I’m pretty much always ready to go.  The real problem is that once again she just doesn’t feel horny at night.  Even when we’ve tried to call it a night earlier in the evening, once she hits the covers she just wants to go to sleep.  On the other hand, she’s finding herself almost uncontrollably horny in the afternoon, either while she is at work or on the weekends when we are together but can’t do anything about it because of the kids.  She mentioned the same thing to me back in May.  She admitted that normally she just pushed past the initial feeling of not being interested and almost always had amazing sex afterward.  But lately she just hasn’t felt like it.

Now, this is frustrating for me since regardless of whether I orgasm or not my only sexual actions are directly linked to her.  But what dawned on me (and my selfish, self-absorption with sex) was the fact that it is frustrating to her as well.  Granted she can play with her toys and cum whenever she wants (and does so), but she still wants sex with me, and she wants it when she wants it

I know I just mentioned my own selfish, self-absorption with sex, but I don’t mean it in the “this is really all about sex and not all the other ‘wife-led’ stuff”.  Sex is a large part of the equation for me mainly because it’s been taken out of my hands… literally.  I could take matters into my hands and masturbate daily, but that would bring the whole arrangement crumbling down, and I wouldn’t want that.  So, yes, when you practice orgasm control/denial the husband is going to have sex on his mind a lot.  That’s the whole point, right? 

But more than that is the desire for intimacy in general.  I can go for longer periods of time without orgasm when I have more intimate encounters with my wife partially because of the pleasure I get from her own pleasure, and partly because sex in and of itself is so satisfying.

Now I’m seeing how frustrated she is as well.  I wish I had a solution, but I don’t.  Regardless of whether you are in a WLM or not, sex is a pretty important thing to the health of a relationship.  Six or seven years ago or sex was almost non-existent.  I don’t know how my wife dealt with it, but I was masturbating several times a day and generally not worried about anything else.  Looking back this coincided with her taking anti-depressants that made it almost impossible for her to orgasm.  I think that’s when I first started to figure out that for me the real joy of sex was her orgasm, not mine.  When she wasn’t able to cum I pretty much lost interest in sex.  I think she may have as well.

Over the last year or so we’ve had pretty amazing sex.  Granted I’ve cum less this year than I ever have since I started masturbating when I was 12.  Only 22 orgasms so far, yet I wouldn’t trade the amazing sex we’ve had this year for the sex we’ve had throughout most of our marriage.  I think my wife would probably agree.  That’s why I think the sexual frustration is starting to get to her.  I think she’s starting to feel guilty about it, which makes her feel like she’s neglecting me.  I think that she is frustrated that when she wants sex we can’t have it and when we can have it she isn’t as interested, and I think that frustration turns to feeling like she must therefore be neglecting me as well.

Like I said, we’ve been here before and I know we’ll get through it again.  I don’t think I’m as frustrated right now as my wife is.  Hell, I just had an orgasm five days ago!  On the other hand, she hasn’t had sex in five whole days!

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Our Anniverary

Well, our low-key celebration was probably even more low key than I expected, but it was nice.  My wife just seemed curious andaccepting of it all, but didn’t seem to really be celebrating anything.  When she got home from work I immediately began serving her (nothing too obvious because the kids were around).  I offered her a drink and got it for her.  We had talked about dinner earlier in the day and she had decided that despite the anniversary celebration we should have leftovers.  This was not a problem.  Actually, it wasn’t technically left-over.  I had pre-grilled extra chicken from when we had fajita’s on Monday night so that we would have it for Tex-Mex part two.  So I whipped up some quesadillas while my wife snacked on chips and salsa.  As I started cooking I told her that part of the celebration was that I was going to cater to her more than normal.  I told her that after dinner I would bathe the kids, get them in bed, andwhen that was done I’d clean the kitchen.  Normally she takes care of the kids after dinner to spend a little extra time with them since she works all day.  Unfortunately it is often stressful as the kids will often get out of control shortly before bed time.

After cleaning the kitchen I sat down in the family room with my wife.  She immediately asked me to get her another drink, which I gladly did.  I returned with her drink and went to get her the card I’d made for her and her gift.  I’d waffled on what I was going to get her but apparently made the right choice.  I got her a gift certificate for a mani/pedi at a local nail salon.  She loved it!  She was very happy but there was also a bit of a “why are you just now figuring out that this is what a good gift is, not the other crap you have been getting me for the last 15+ years” tone to her voice… well, actually she pretty much said that.

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She also loved the card.  I went for a Hallmark-esque cheesy factor and I think I pulled it off.  I used the picture to the left for the face of the card and inside the card in fancy-schmancy script font I basically thanked her for working so hard and for letting me serve her.  I vowed to always love, honor and obey her and to always try to put her needs, wants and desires before my own.

After that we talked about our arrangement, which we hadn’t really done in a long time.  I apologized for the occasional bouts of slacking that I go through, and for the poor habits I’d had for the previous few weeks.  I brought up the the “punishment night” and told her that I realised she was upset about how much she had drank that night.  She told me she just really felt horrible because she hadn’t remembered a lot of it the next day, but after talking with me and thinking about it most of it came back to her.  She remembered it being a very enjoyable night, but was just really upset with herself for drinking so much.

I explained to her that I understood that she was upset about the drinking, but I didn’t understand why she let that change anything about our arrangement.  I thought the punishment she had given me was fair and deserved because she had been so upset about the car and I had continued to put it off despite repeated warnings from her.  I thought it was effective and just.  So, I didn’t understand why on the night she admitted that she had drank too much she let the punishment lapse, not only breaking the “no orgasm until further notice” but actually letting me orgasm sooner than I normally do anyway. 

I also told her that I got kind of down about the arrangement after she apologizedto me one night for not giving me more assignments because “I know how much you like them”.  I had to remind her that the arrangement was supposed to make her life easier, not make her stress that she isn’t making me happy by giving me extra work.  I think she felt better after the talk.  I think she’d somehow forgotten that it was all supposed to be about her and when I saw her worrying about my pleasure it made everything feel phony and I felt guilty about it, I guess.  I’m not sure we really got to the bottom of everything going on, but it was nice to talk about our arrangement since we hadn’t done it in a while.

Next I gave her a nice long foot massage while we watched a little TV andrelaxed.  She announced it was time for bed fairly early so we wouldn’t be up too late fooling around, which was nice.  I got undressed and removed my device.  It was a bit chilly so we snuggled close together under the blanket for a while to warm each other up.  We kissed for a bit and I offered to get her toys for her.  I placed her dildo and vibrator on my pillow.  She picked up the vibe and went to work on herself.  I asked if I could touch myself and she told me I had to wait.  When she was done with the vibe she had me go down on her.  When she tapped my head she told me to show her “her cock”.  I did and she grabbed it and looked at me and told me I was allowed to cum, but not until she had and not until she said.  I was relieved to hear that and soon we were making love.  Well, soon my wife was using my cock for her own pleasure, to be more accurate.  It was wonderful.  I held still as she had her orgasm and after a few moments started moving again.  Unfortunately she was a bit tired so I got the double tap on my bottom, signaling it was time to get off.  She told me I was now allowed to cum and I layed back and started masturbating.  My wife sat up and watched me, but didn’t participate.  I stroked myself slowly, relishing the knowledge that I could have an orgasm at my leisure.  I knew my stroking wouldn’t end in frustration and that knowledge and the pleasure of my slowly growing orgasm was heavenly. 

I heard a laugh as my wife pointed out the my head was on the pillow touching the dildo.  I mumbled that I didn’t care what was where as I was so wrapped up in my own pleasure.  I soon realised she was growing impatient.  She told me that when I came I wasn’t allowed to make a mess and that I had to clean it up.  I got on my knees and apologized for taking so long telling her that I was relishing the moment.

“You don’t have to cum, you know”, was her reply.  I wasn’t sure if she meant she could take away the right to cum or if she thought I didn’t want to cum.  I sped up my stroking and said, “please, I do”!

I soon came and caught it all in my hand, which required me to stop stroking after the first or second spurt, unfortunately.  It felt so good to cum after three weeks (my 22nd for the year) but I know it would have felt better and lasted longer if I’d been on my back and continued stroking.  But I hadn’t been sure if by “clean it up” my wife meant “lick it up” or not, so I made sure to catch it in my hands so I could clean it up myself.

So it was a great night.  Not the most kinky or the most romantic, but great nonetheless.

Here’s to another great year in our Arrangement!

Emotional Parodoxes

I’m soooo excited about tonight.  It’s fairly ridiculous, really.  I can’t remember the last time I was this excited about something.  It’s been a few months, at the very least.  We are celebrating the first anniversary of our Arrangement tonight and I really want it to be special, but I don’t want it to seem like a bigger deal than say, oh I don’t know, our wedding anniversary or my wife’s birthday (which is soon).  So, I’ve toned down my original plans but I’m still uncertain about dinner.

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to an exciting night.  My wife seemed fairly excited about it to, but almost in a curious way, like she is excited to see what I’m going to do about it more than happy/amazed a year has past where we were actively in a WLM.

Of course, my excitement has lead to fantasizing over the last two days.  As much as I look forward to having a good talk about our Arrangement, which we haven’t really done in a while, I’ve been fantasizing about what happens later.  I’m sure you get my drift.

But as I fantasize I get conflicting emotions.  It’s been three weeks since my last orgasm so I’m very excited about the fact I may be allowed to cum tonight.  That’s counter balanced by the desire to be made to wait longer, as would seem appropriate on a night celebrating my devotion to my wife and how her needs are put first.  Part of me wants the sex to be entirely about her and wants to keep my bits locked up in the device.

Then I fantasize about being given a special gift, a good old fashioned blow job.  I think about these a lot.  Back when I started this blog I said I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had one, but now I know for a fact it’s been over a year.  How do I know?  Well, when we agreed to our arrangement it was stated by my wife that it was unlikely I’d be getting oral from her very often, if ever.  So the idea of a complete bj is so very exciting to me.   This is, of course, balanced by my desire to be reminded of my place and not receive a bj.  Getting oral from my wife on the night celebrating our WLM isn’t really appropriate, is it.

Part of me wants the sex to be really romantic, even if it’s all about her.  Part of me wants it to be raunchy and part of me desires to be humiliated a little.

Really, I haven’t had this many confusing emotions since early on in our arrangement.  I guess that’s appropriate seeing as it’s our anniversary.

Things are looking up

Things have remained pretty mellow in the WLM department.  I think it mostly has to do with the fact that my wife has had a bad cold for a couple of weeks now.  She’s just starting to feel better.  Of course, I’m starting to feel crappy.  Typical.

On the plus side my wife has managed to do a few small things that have put me into a more submissive frame of mind.  It’s so strange how I go back and forth.  For some reason I feel so much more at ease when I’m in a submissive mindset, yet when I’m not in that frame of mind I can’t imagine why I would want to be in that frame of mind.  Very strange.

Saturday night, after getting home from work very late (about 2:30 am) my wife stirred from her sleep just enough to say, “my toys are on your pillow for you to clean”.  I was soooo horny I immediately grabbed them and licked them clean before washing them.  That act alone put me into a mini-sub space.  I returned to the room, put them away and asked if I could be allowed to go down on her.  She replied that she was too tired.  I wasn’t upset as I expected her to be too tired.  I was just happy she was feeling better enough to even want to masturbate.  Frankly, having her get off without me probably did more for me than had I been involved.

There have been other little things as well.  Comments made here and there, things like that.  Just enough to let me know that the lull has to do with her not feeling well and stressed about work.  It doesn’t have anything to do with our arrangement.

Speaking of which, Wednesday marks our first anniversary in the arrangement.  Speaking on the phone to my wife a little while ago I mentioned this to her.

“Really, a year has gone by already?  What are you going to do for me?”

That was a very nice response to get.  She didn’t ask what we could do, or talk about how we could celebrate.  She responded by asking me what I was going to do for her to mark the occasion.  How exciting!  Of course, I have no idea what I’m going to do.  The few things I’ve thought about excite me so much it makes me feel like I’m doing it more for me than for her.

Any suggestions?

Working through a rough patch

I haven’t been posting lately as I’ve been a bit down and confused.  Things are looking up again, but the last week and a half or so have not been too great.

I guess the trouble started after what appeared to be the fun, kinky night I talked about in my last post.  It seemed like such a wonderful night to me.  I was used and teased and denied and told I was being punished for at least a week.  I was told to wear the device as often as possible.  It seemed great.

The problem, apparently, was that my wife had drank a bit too much that night and didn’t remember everything.  I think this led to her feeling very guilty about the whole thing.  That Thursday I was horny as heck and looking forward to our night together.  As she was changing out of her work clothes I told her how I’d worn the device constantly since Sunday night except for showers and my one shift at work.  I told her how I’d been doing everything she’d told me to do, etc.  My timing was very good as she hadn’t had time to decompress from work or anything else.  She let me know and I apologized.  She wasn’t mad, she was just letting me know.  Then she asked if all of this was punishment about the car.  I told her it was and that I thought it was a very fair punishment.  This is when she admitted that she didn’t really remember issuing the punishment.  I think this left her feeling very guilty.

That night when we went to bed she encouraged me to orgasm after she had hers.  Not only was this too early for my “punishment”, it was sooner than I normally was allowed to orgasm.   So, she was in a funk and feeling guilty and I guess she thought it would fix things if I got to cum.  Instead it left me feeling confused and crappy and in a funk as well.

Things deteriorated over the next few day.  On the surface I continued to do all my housework but I felt pretty resentful about it.  I didn’t do a very good job.  I started getting bitter about some things.  My wife stopped taking the lead on things and at some points even seemed to get upset if I wasn’t stepping up and taking the lead.  But it was very inconsistent.  At times it really felt like she wanted the spoiling but didn’t want the trappings that came with it.  She wanted me to be the leader and the follower.  She didn’t want to ask me to do things for her but she wanted me to rub her feet.  There just seemed to be lots of little things that probably weren’t really that big a deal, but they were really getting on my nerves.

Two things really got to me, though.  One of them was fleas.  We had a hell of a time with fleas this summer.  We have a couple of indoor cats but they weren’t really the problem.  We were bringing the fleas in, not the cats.  Walking through my back yard one day I looked down to find five fleas on my socks.  Anyway, I was vacuuming three times a week, sometimes, and spraying and washing and trying to take care of the cats.  My wife took care of the ‘once a month’ liquid you put on the cats.  Eventually we took care of the problem and there were no more fleas, or at least they weren’t bothering anyone… until last week.

I noticed the cats were starting to scratch a lot more and seemed miserable.  Then, one night at bath time my wife called out to me and complained that one of our kids had flea bites all over him.  This of course made me feel horribly guilty.  How the hell did the fleas come back in such great force so quickly?  As I washed dishes and cleaned up the kitchen I thought about it.  When my wife came into the kitchen I’d asked her if she’d possibly missed giving the cats their medicine.  She told me that she hadn’t treated them for the last two months.

I fumed.  Why the hell would she bitch at me about fleas when she was the reason they’d gotten bad again.  If you want me to give the cats the medicine than tell me.  But don’t expect me to know that you haven’t been doing it.  And the argument that I should be ‘proactive’ and have done it myself doesn’t work because she told me she was doing it.   Aaarrrrggggghhhhh!

The other thing that set me off had to do with disciplining the children.  One of the rules she set when we started this was that I would not defer to her when it came to the children.  I am the at home dad so if anything I should be deferred to.  But in general we wanted to keep even ground in this area.  Well, one night during this week one of our children was just being a monster at bed time.  He was throwing a HUGE tantrum and I went to try to sort things out and get him away from my wife and give her a break from it (I’d been in another room cleaning).  She had told him that she was going to ignore him until he stopped screaming, calmed down and talked to her in a reasonable voice.  He was having nothing of that and was screaming and raving at being ignored.  I tried to pick him up and take him to another part of the house and try to calm him down when I was yelled at to leave him alone and get out of the room.  I left and again fumed.  This time my wife could tell I was angry.  Of the very few fights we’ve had in our relationship she knows when she’s crossed the line because I stop talking and leave the room.  I will not let myself be goaded into saying nasty things.  I come from a household where that is what happened all the time.  I’ve had a lot of training saying very mean things.  I would never do that to her.  But I have been pushed to that edge before.  That’s why I stop and leave.

When things had settled down she came and appologized to me.  She told me that she was worried about my hand that had been hurt recently and that she didn’t want me to hurt it again trying to pick up our son and calm him down while he was flailing.  She also said she didn’t want to reward his tantrum by paying it attention.  She realised it had come across wrong to me.

So, we found ourselves in a very awkward spot.  I can’t say what my wife was feeling or thinking, but I had started feeling far more aggressive and angry as well as confused and depressed.  I didn’t feel remotely submissive but was bummed that we wouldn’t make it to our one year anniversary for our WLM.

One of the problems, as I saw it, was that my wife had stopped “leading”.  As much as this is “all for her” our arrangement is based around being “wife led”.  It’s one thing to anticipate needs and to do things without being told, but the leadership needs to be there.  Susan’s Pet put it well in a recent post.  He explained that the power is there for his wife to use or not use.  He cannot force her to use it or act on it in any way.  The only interaction with that power is to submit to it.  If the power is not being used than there can be no submission.

Also, it seemed at times that she had started making it all about me instead.  She apologized to me at one point for not emailing me more assignment during the day because she “knows how much I like that”.  It’s not supposed to be about me.  It’s nice to know that you realise things I like and don’t like, but the assignments are supposed to be about you telling me to do things that you want done.  That’s what I like about them.  If it takes effort for you to do something that you think I will like, well, that’s not any fun for me because it’s not fun for you.  I don’t know when or where she lost this idea.  I know that she used to get it.  We had talked about it plenty of times.

So, I thought that perhaps we had reached the end of this experiment.  At the very least we’d seemed to hit a roadblock that I wasn’t sure we could pass.  I was OK with that.  I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get back into a submissive mindset if I’d tried.

Now, having said all that it’s not like I started jerking off and going out with the guys and leaving the house uncleaned.  As thought about how I’d lost the submissive edge I still let my wife have control of my orgasms.  I still did my househusband jobs.  I still got things for my wife if she asked. 

Last night she asked me if I wanted to make love.  I joined her in bed expecting some very vanilla “old fashioned” sex.  I expected her to cum and not say anything as I came after that.  Thankfully, as soon as I wet down on her she started taking control.  After a few minutes of intercourse she had me go down on her again and had a nice, big orgasm with her legs wrapped around my head.  I rolled to my side of the bed and masturbated while she rolled around in post orgasmic bliss.  When she had regained her composure she rolled on top of me and rode me to another orgasm.  I was close myself and was sure she was going to let me cum.  As I got to the edge she stopped me and rolled off as I humped the air in frustration.  She let me masturbate a few more minutes before telling me to stop with the hope of, “maybe you can cum tomorrow night”.

I strapped on the device and mopped the kitchen floor.

Whew.  OK.  She’s making the effort to restart things.  I’ll make it as easy for her as possible.  We probably need to talk about what happened.  Maybe not, though.  Maybe we should just let it fade away.