I haven’t been posting lately as I’ve been a bit down and confused. Things are looking up again, but the last week and a half or so have not been too great.
I guess the trouble started after what appeared to be the fun, kinky night I talked about in my last post. It seemed like such a wonderful night to me. I was used and teased and denied and told I was being punished for at least a week. I was told to wear the device as often as possible. It seemed great.
The problem, apparently, was that my wife had drank a bit too much that night and didn’t remember everything. I think this led to her feeling very guilty about the whole thing. That Thursday I was horny as heck and looking forward to our night together. As she was changing out of her work clothes I told her how I’d worn the device constantly since Sunday night except for showers and my one shift at work. I told her how I’d been doing everything she’d told me to do, etc. My timing was very good as she hadn’t had time to decompress from work or anything else. She let me know and I apologized. She wasn’t mad, she was just letting me know. Then she asked if all of this was punishment about the car. I told her it was and that I thought it was a very fair punishment. This is when she admitted that she didn’t really remember issuing the punishment. I think this left her feeling very guilty.
That night when we went to bed she encouraged me to orgasm after she had hers. Not only was this too early for my “punishment”, it was sooner than I normally was allowed to orgasm. So, she was in a funk and feeling guilty and I guess she thought it would fix things if I got to cum. Instead it left me feeling confused and crappy and in a funk as well.
Things deteriorated over the next few day. On the surface I continued to do all my housework but I felt pretty resentful about it. I didn’t do a very good job. I started getting bitter about some things. My wife stopped taking the lead on things and at some points even seemed to get upset if I wasn’t stepping up and taking the lead. But it was very inconsistent. At times it really felt like she wanted the spoiling but didn’t want the trappings that came with it. She wanted me to be the leader and the follower. She didn’t want to ask me to do things for her but she wanted me to rub her feet. There just seemed to be lots of little things that probably weren’t really that big a deal, but they were really getting on my nerves.
Two things really got to me, though. One of them was fleas. We had a hell of a time with fleas this summer. We have a couple of indoor cats but they weren’t really the problem. We were bringing the fleas in, not the cats. Walking through my back yard one day I looked down to find five fleas on my socks. Anyway, I was vacuuming three times a week, sometimes, and spraying and washing and trying to take care of the cats. My wife took care of the ‘once a month’ liquid you put on the cats. Eventually we took care of the problem and there were no more fleas, or at least they weren’t bothering anyone… until last week.
I noticed the cats were starting to scratch a lot more and seemed miserable. Then, one night at bath time my wife called out to me and complained that one of our kids had flea bites all over him. This of course made me feel horribly guilty. How the hell did the fleas come back in such great force so quickly? As I washed dishes and cleaned up the kitchen I thought about it. When my wife came into the kitchen I’d asked her if she’d possibly missed giving the cats their medicine. She told me that she hadn’t treated them for the last two months.
I fumed. Why the hell would she bitch at me about fleas when she was the reason they’d gotten bad again. If you want me to give the cats the medicine than tell me. But don’t expect me to know that you haven’t been doing it. And the argument that I should be ‘proactive’ and have done it myself doesn’t work because she told me she was doing it. Aaarrrrggggghhhhh!
The other thing that set me off had to do with disciplining the children. One of the rules she set when we started this was that I would not defer to her when it came to the children. I am the at home dad so if anything I should be deferred to. But in general we wanted to keep even ground in this area. Well, one night during this week one of our children was just being a monster at bed time. He was throwing a HUGE tantrum and I went to try to sort things out and get him away from my wife and give her a break from it (I’d been in another room cleaning). She had told him that she was going to ignore him until he stopped screaming, calmed down and talked to her in a reasonable voice. He was having nothing of that and was screaming and raving at being ignored. I tried to pick him up and take him to another part of the house and try to calm him down when I was yelled at to leave him alone and get out of the room. I left and again fumed. This time my wife could tell I was angry. Of the very few fights we’ve had in our relationship she knows when she’s crossed the line because I stop talking and leave the room. I will not let myself be goaded into saying nasty things. I come from a household where that is what happened all the time. I’ve had a lot of training saying very mean things. I would never do that to her. But I have been pushed to that edge before. That’s why I stop and leave.
When things had settled down she came and appologized to me. She told me that she was worried about my hand that had been hurt recently and that she didn’t want me to hurt it again trying to pick up our son and calm him down while he was flailing. She also said she didn’t want to reward his tantrum by paying it attention. She realised it had come across wrong to me.
So, we found ourselves in a very awkward spot. I can’t say what my wife was feeling or thinking, but I had started feeling far more aggressive and angry as well as confused and depressed. I didn’t feel remotely submissive but was bummed that we wouldn’t make it to our one year anniversary for our WLM.
One of the problems, as I saw it, was that my wife had stopped “leading”. As much as this is “all for her” our arrangement is based around being “wife led”. It’s one thing to anticipate needs and to do things without being told, but the leadership needs to be there. Susan’s Pet put it well in a recent post. He explained that the power is there for his wife to use or not use. He cannot force her to use it or act on it in any way. The only interaction with that power is to submit to it. If the power is not being used than there can be no submission.
Also, it seemed at times that she had started making it all about me instead. She apologized to me at one point for not emailing me more assignment during the day because she “knows how much I like that”. It’s not supposed to be about me. It’s nice to know that you realise things I like and don’t like, but the assignments are supposed to be about you telling me to do things that you want done. That’s what I like about them. If it takes effort for you to do something that you think I will like, well, that’s not any fun for me because it’s not fun for you. I don’t know when or where she lost this idea. I know that she used to get it. We had talked about it plenty of times.
So, I thought that perhaps we had reached the end of this experiment. At the very least we’d seemed to hit a roadblock that I wasn’t sure we could pass. I was OK with that. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get back into a submissive mindset if I’d tried.
Now, having said all that it’s not like I started jerking off and going out with the guys and leaving the house uncleaned. As thought about how I’d lost the submissive edge I still let my wife have control of my orgasms. I still did my househusband jobs. I still got things for my wife if she asked.
Last night she asked me if I wanted to make love. I joined her in bed expecting some very vanilla “old fashioned” sex. I expected her to cum and not say anything as I came after that. Thankfully, as soon as I wet down on her she started taking control. After a few minutes of intercourse she had me go down on her again and had a nice, big orgasm with her legs wrapped around my head. I rolled to my side of the bed and masturbated while she rolled around in post orgasmic bliss. When she had regained her composure she rolled on top of me and rode me to another orgasm. I was close myself and was sure she was going to let me cum. As I got to the edge she stopped me and rolled off as I humped the air in frustration. She let me masturbate a few more minutes before telling me to stop with the hope of, “maybe you can cum tomorrow night”.
I strapped on the device and mopped the kitchen floor.
Whew. OK. She’s making the effort to restart things. I’ll make it as easy for her as possible. We probably need to talk about what happened. Maybe not, though. Maybe we should just let it fade away.
Filed under: assignment, D/s, Dominance, female led relationship, Gates of Hell, housework, kink, life, oral, orgasm control, orgasm denial, submission, the little things, wife led marriage | 2 Comments »