Given a choice

I worked late last night and was only able to get about four hours of fitful sleep before having to get up and go to a short meeting at work this morning.  I have to be back to work again tonight in a few hours.  My wife, kids and mother-in-law have left for the day to do some sightseeing in a nearby city.

Before leaving my wife stole a moment alone with me and told me that I was allowed to “mess around” while she was gone.  I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by that.  I assumed she didn’t mean waste my free time playing computer games since she made sure it was a private moment, but I wasn’t sure if she was just giving me permission to masturbate, or permission to cum.  She clarified it for me when she saw the uncertain look I gave her.  She said, “I know it’s been a long time so you can orgasm, but you’ll have to wear the device the rest of the day.  The choice is yours”.  This sent me into a nice little sub loop and I immediately got an erection.  I don’t really mind wearing the device, however my dilemma is that I’d have to wear it at work all night and frankly my work environment often resembles a juvenile, fraternity like atmosphere.  There is a lot of what would in many places be called sexual harassment.  It’s very common in this industry, but seems more so in this family like environment I’m now a part of.  Anyway, aside from being likely noticeable, there is a good chance one of my coworkers will rap their knuckles against my crotch trying to illicit a flinch or a jump or whatever reason they do it.  It would raise a lot of questions if they bruised a knuckle on a metal ring.

As her mother approached the room we were in she wrapped up by telling me that she wanted the kitchen clean before they got home, and she couldn’t tell me when that would be.  As I probably mentioned in posts after visits from my mother-in-law, she tends to make large messes.  The kitchen is trashed just from their breakfast.  It’s pretty amazing how much of a mess it is, really.

So, I’m off to clean and to contemplate.  I’m sure my wife gave me this choice to play with my head.  I’m sure she thinks I’ll choose to wait over wearing the device at work.  It’s very clever of her.  Something else to consider is the possibility that she is considering this my “chance” to orgasm, and if I don’t another may not come up for two, three, even four weeks.

I do have a pair of pants that may offer enough room.  If I keep my guard up perhaps I can avoid any hands coming my way….

ugh.

More of the same, lucky me!

Well, it’s been just over a week since my wife’s sister and her family left, giving me just enough time to have to clean up for the visit from my mother-in-law who I have to pick up from the airport in a couple of hours.  The house wasn’t really in too bad of shape.  The kitchen floor was a little worse off than normal, but that’s only because I was waiting to clean it until last night so it would be all bright and shiny today.

My wife didn’t have to go in to work until noon yesterday due to the ice storm that seems to have rocked half the country.  She did work from home for several hours while everyone slept, however.  I got up with the kids to let her work some more before she beckoned me to the bed room.  We rarely do anything naughty while the kids are awake, but as she’s made clear to me on many occasions, she is horniest early in the day.  So I put the kids down in front of a movie that I knew would keep them occupied for at least half an hour and got into bed with my wife.  She got out her toys, but ended up not needing them.  Instead she smiled as she pushed my head beneath the blankets.  After she had enjoyed enough oral pleasure she pulled me up and I entered her.  I was really letting go and getting into it.  I was certain that I’d be allowed an orgasm as we seemed to be mostly on my side of the bed and she wouldn’t be sleeping in bed anyway and it had been three weeks and… and… she had a wonderful orgasm and I rolled off of her.  I slowly masturbated and kissed her shoulder as she lay enjoying the after effects.  When she had come down she looked at me and said, “no”.  I pleaded with her with my eyes and she again told me, “no, you cannot come”.  I was crushed, and for the first time in weeks felt submissive.

We dressed and went about our day.  My wife then informed me she was leaving to have her hair done before heading in to work.  She surveyed the family room and kitchen and looked at me and said, “these rooms are a wreck, fix it”.  I cleaned for the rest of the day, actually until about 1:30 am this morning.  Most of the time I just thought about the fact that I won’t have another opportunity to orgasm until Monday night, pushing a month between orgasms.  Two years in a row have started out with only one orgasm in the month of January.  This year it wasn’t even close to my birthday.  Not only did I not get birthday sex, the closest I got to birthday sex ended with continued denial.  So much for trying to increase my orgasm percentage!

I feel so content right now.  Yay for us.

Normal?

It seems like there has been a lot that I’ve wanted to say, but when I have the time to write it slips my mind.  Not that I’ve had a lot of time to write.  Things seem to have been really busy lately.  Not busy in the, oh I have so many chores to do to show my devotion to my wife, busy.  Just lots of regular old things going on.

I guess the main thing lately is how non-kinky it is anymore.  This isn’t a complaint, just something that has slowly dawned on me over the last month.  For the most part I have been getting absolutely no “thrill” out of our arrangement.  Again, this isn’t a complaint.  It’s actually a very nice feeling.  The arrangement is just our natural way of life now.  I don’t expect my wife to be a Domme, and I don’t act submissive.  However our roles are now well established and feel very normal now. 

I’m not sure if my wife has realised this yet, but she did kind of say something along those lines the other day.  My birthday is coming up and I’m working that night.  She told me that she would be taking the children to the museum in the morning giving me some alone time.  She was telling me because she thought I would like that, but wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t prefer to have the kids there on my birthday.  Of course I was glad to have some “alone time”.  Anyway, at one point she said something along the lines of, “I’m not asking for your permission, I make the decisions, but I just wanted to see how you felt about it”.  A year ago that would have made me melt.  Now it’s just matter of fact.  I appreciated the fact that she is comfortable stating that she makes the decisions and that she still wanted to know how I felt about her decision.

When I first realised that I wasn’t getting the submissive buzz as much anymore I assumed it was because we were falling back into our old ways and not following the arrangement.  Slowly I saw that this wasn’t really true.  We seemed to be on a very steady course with our arrangement.  I think I started to understand it better while making love to my wife.  She told me to cum inside her and I did.  Then she told me she wasn’t done and told me to go down on her.  I did so without hesitation.  I also did so without going into subspace.  I was simply making love to my wife.  The fact that I was giving her oral sex moments after cumming inside her seemed perfectly natural.  From that moment on I think I just became more aware of how thorough the transformation has been from our former relationship to our arrangement.

I continue to due my chores and hear about it when things aren’t up to snuff.  Not that my wife bitches at me.  She just points out that things are dirty or need to get done or whatever.  She still emails me assignments as she sees fit.  While her sister and her family were visiting us this past weekend we acted totally normal, which means we were ourselves in our arrangement.  While sitting at dinner my wife would let me know if she wanted more of anything or a drink refill, as well as asking our guests.  I, of course, would get it.  Aside from noticing a pleasant change in my demeanor, I don’t think they suspect there was anything out of the ordinary going on.  They are a very “equal” couple themselves.  My brother-in-law even cleaned up after dinner one night while the rest of us were doing other things.  The next time he attempted it, though, my wife called out to me to not let him and that I should do it.  We just shrugged at each other and he went to find something else to do while I cleaned up.  There was really nothing awkward about it.  It all seemed very “normal”.

So, that seems to be the situation at the moment.  I’m very much wife led and loving it, but it doesn’t feel kinky any more.  I’m sure I’ll have moments of subspace again, and I’m sure my wife will occasionally feel the desire to be more outwardly Dominant.  In the mean time it’s kind of nice to know that at this point everything we’re doing is really all for her.  My proof is in the knowledge that I’m not getting off on it anymore.  At least not in the kinky way.  I’m getting off on knowing she’s happy and being completely in love with her.

——————–

For the OC/OD statisticians out there, despite my wife’s suggestion that she might up my regularity of orgasms so that I would have more than 24 this year, I’ve only had one this month and that was two weeks ago.

Happy New Year

Well, things were a bit hectic over the holidays.  I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since my last post.  It’s not that nothing has been going on, just that I haven’t had a lot of computer time (or when I have my wife’s been around and that would be awkward…).  Anyway, just a quick update for now with some more coming in the following days.

I informed my wife New Years Day evening, after being used for some super hot sex (no, I didn’t get to), that I had a total of 24 orgasms the previous year.

“Wow!  Is that all?  You averaged one every two weeks…”, was her response.

I told her that it did indeed average out that way, but that there were three months where I only had one orgasm and three months where I had three orgasms.  She told me she thought my keeping stats was a little strange, but that she would think about upping my average for this year.  I told her I would appreciate that. 

Here’s my new perspective on this topic.  I’ve done orgasm control for over a year now, but kept the stats for 2008, so I’m basing everything on that year.  I’m still a fairly young man.  I enjoyed the denial while it was going on, and I get a thrill out of the fact I was able to survive on only 24 orgasms.  I’m glad I did it.  However I have been feeling lately like I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.  Let me put it another way.  I’ve been shaving my head for the last 14 years.  When I started I had a thick head of hair.  A few years ago I let my hair grow out for a month and although I was not totally surprised, I was a bit shocked at my hair loss.  Although I’ve loved having a bald head, I feel like I wasted probably five or six years of having thick hair.  Some day in the future, hopefully the distant future, I may not be able to get erections or orgasm regularly.  I’d hate to reach that point and think about how I wasted opportunities when I was younger and still having multiple erections throughout the average day.

Now, I’m not saying I want the control to end, just that it would be nice to increase the frequency a bit.  Having said that, it’s been nine days since my last orgasm.

An interesting thing, though, and something I want to right about more at length, but I’m running out of time, is how things become habit, or become the natural order.  We’ve been at our arrangement long enough now that there isn’t much thrill in 90% of what we do anymore.  Not that it’s unpleasant or anything like that, but I don’t get that submissive rush anymore from most of what we do.  But we still do it.  It’s just the way we are now.  Now it’s just normal for my wife to hand me her cup to be refilled, even while sitting around with friends at a kids birthday party where you refill your own drinks at the fountain.  Oh, there goes a wife with two cups to refill.  There goes a girlfriend filling her boyfriends cup.  Oh, there I go to fill my wife’s cup.  No need to fill my own because I just did that a couple of minutes ago while also filling the kids cups.  We, at least I, hardly even think about these things anymore.

I discovered another aspect of this New Years Day morning.  I had to work NYE so my wife took the kids to a friends house and stayed the night.  When I woke up in the morning I had the house to myself and some morning wood.  I thought about the fact it was a new year and the slate was clean, so to speak.  I decided it wouldn’t do anyone any harm if I started the year off with an orgasm.  I didn’t think my wife would mind.  I considered calling and asking for permission, but didn’t.  Anyway, I started masturbating and as I reached the edge I stopped.  I waited a bit and edged myself again.  I did it maybe three of four times before stopping and getting up to take a shower.  It was weird.  I clearly could orgasm, but couldn’t really bring myself to do it.  I told my wife about that at the same time we had the orgasm stats conversation later that night.  She just smiled as I admitted I just couldn’t bring myself to cum without her explicit permission.  I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t and didn’t.  It’s just not how I am anymore.

Anyway, I’m out of time.  I’ll post more later if I can find the time, otherwise it will probably be tomorrow.

Happy New Year!