The problem with success

Two weekends ago I thought we had turned the corner and were heading back to a more active and exciting “arrangement”.  My wife had just finished up with a conference she had put together and it was a success.  I had to work that night, but knowing all the stress she’d gone through I thought to put her toys and a sexy magazine under her side of the bed.  That night (while I was at work) I talked to her and told her that I knew how stressed she had been at work and told her about the toys for some late night relaxation.  She was very pleased and excited about that.

Later she sent me a text message indicating (through symbols) that she came three times and how much she loved me for thinking of her.  That put me into subspace for the first time in… well, a long time.

Yay!

That Sunday we had a little “afternoon delight”.  She had four more orgasms and right before her fifth I told her that I needed to stop or I would cum.  She told me to cum and she came shortly after.  

As we lay together in bed I started to realize why things didn’t seem to be working.  Now, I had just gone three weeks without an orgasm and this year have only had six.  We’re more than five and a half months in and I’ve only had six orgasms!  I should have been relieved to cum, right?

No.  Of course not.  That would only make sense.  The problem, if it is a problem, is that we’ve only had sex six times this year.  That just is not fun.  Not only is there just not enough sex going on, but that also means that there has been no denial going on.  Six orgasms and only six instances of sex means that I’ve been allowed to cum every time.

Not that I want to have sex after five weeks of chastity only to be denied for another month.  Hell, I actually want MORE orgasms.  But there is just so much fun in one sided sex and we just aren’t having it.  Frankly, even without the denial more sex is really just needed right now.

Of course, stating the lack of sex is the problem isn’t the real problem.  The real problem seems to be the “success” of our arrangement.  Especially since my wife has come to welcome sex on Sunday afternoons I’ve come to learn to pretty much NEVER expect to have it any other time.  This removes the feeling of being on edge, never knowing when you will be called on for service or being denied or being allowed an orgasm.  All that emotion is gone.  Instead, come every third or fourth Sunday I try to arrange for time for us to be intimate.  While this leads to a complete let down of the emotional and mental fun for me, it seems to be exactly what my wife wants sex-wise.  She is only having sex on her terms, when she wants it.

This has really led to a hollow version of our arrangement.  I don’t masturbate and only cum when she allows, which is half as often as last year, I clean the house and I cater to her.  I do these things (although the cleaning and the catering are probably proportional to my orgasms right now, meaning about half as much as last year) but there is none of the excitement around it.  I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.  A few weeks ago I whined about some cleaning related task and she just said, “Arrangement!”.  She followed that up with a, “huh, I haven’t said that in a while…”  

Not only have I not enjoyed our arrangement lately, but while doing yard work recently I thought, “we could get sooo much more done if she would do…”.

That is not how I want to think.  I really want to get back to what we had before, but I just don’t know how to get there without my wife taking some sort of leading role, which is of course a paradox because that’s what led us to this current situation.  My wife getting things just how she wanted has led to it being less fun for both of us.

We definitely need to talk.

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6 Responses

  1. I SO sympathize. There is such a tension between totally submitting to what the Domme wants, and finding that it’s not really what YOU want. There has to be SOME give and take, unless you are more on the “slavery” side than on the “domination” side.

    Good luck as you puzzle it out.
    mikecb

  2. AFH – you will not be surprised to hear that I totally sympathise with your situation. It has prompted me to write my own entry on my blog, which I hope that you can relate to.

    In your last paragraph you said, “My wife getting things just how she wanted has led to it being less fun for both of us.”, you relaise of course there will be those that would just say that, your wife is getting what she wants, and it is only you that is unhappy because it’s not what you had hoped for or desired. Don’t get me wrong I am not critising, I understand fully how you are feeling, I just don’t think that there is an easy way of making your wife enjoy, participate and encourage your submission more. I guess the obvious answer is to keep communicating, and make her understand just what it is that you would like for the both of you, and just hope that she will change her attidude towards you and the way that she treats you.

  3. I regret that you face these problems, but life is not fair. Please realize that it could be much worse even under your circucmstances.

    I see a very good chance of satisfactory outcome for both of you. Your being young and healthy will provide the options. It will be up to you to decide on the right course. Keep trying.

  4. Having thought about this more, a better way to explain this may be that I think we are missing the fun of “working” at our arrangement. Granted, my wife had a couple of meltdowns because at times she somehow felt more obligated to have sex, but then she realised that she wasn’t more obligated and things got better. She had also come to the realisation that sometimes she thought she wasn’t really in the mood for sex, but after a couple of minutes would not only be in the mood but having multiple orgasms.
    Looking back at last year we were having sex at least twice a week, usually, and my wife was really enjoying it. Being able to use me and control my orgasms made her feel more in control and thus she controlled me more and she had a lot of fun with that too.
    By only having sex every four or five weeks when the timing of her desire and my availability coincide we miss out on all of these other small things that make our arrangement so much fun. There is no orgasm control so that fun is taken away as well as the reinforcement of our roles that leads to other fun things, like my wife telling me to rub her feet or giving me a special cleaning assignment. I think these are all inter-connected and when not in the proper balance things can fall apart.

  5. My friend, I was not going to say anything about this. But you have brought up a subject that many people face. We are not all very well adjusted to stable situtations. I face what you describe, and I don’t have a solution. I just try to do my best.

    I wish you the best. Hang in there, and keep trying.

  6. Thanks for the encouragement. I know we’ll be alright no matter what, but it’s a shame to see how well things worked and see where they are now and realise something was lost along the way.

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