Back in synch

I hope my last post didn’t seem to negative.  My intention was to point out that our emotions can get the better of us, even when we know we are not behaving rationally.  It wasn’t an earth shattering moment, just something that I felt like writing about as it’s happened enough times that I’m sure other people can relate to it.  In the end it wasn’t a big deal and my wife has probably forgotten about it by now, perhaps it didn’t even stand out enough for her to think twice about.  On the other hand, even by Saturday afternoon we still seemed to be a bit out of synch with each other.

That was remedied by Saturday night.  I got home from work and we sat down and hung out for a bit.  Well, she sat while I knelt.  It felt good and seemed to put us both in a better frame of mind.  She had me massage her feet and get her things from time to time.  Then she brought me to the bedroom.  After stripping down to just my device she had me “present” myself to her.  She removed the device (a first for her) before having me go down on her.  After some orally induced orgasms she wanted me inside her and soon orgasmed again.  At that point she told me that having waited three weeks (she’s keeping track now?) she would allow me a release.  I was very happy and continued to make love to her.  She then reiterated that I could come NOW.  I started thrusting more urgently but got the tap on my butt that let’s me know when she is done with me.

“If you can’t cum now you can masturbate until you do”, she told me as I rolled off of her, “but go to another room”.

I asked her if I could have my orgasm in her presence and she told me that if I wanted that I’d have to wait.  So I continue to wait.  I don’t know if that was selfish on my part or not.  The idea of cumming by myself in another room is so foreign to me now.  I honestly can’t remember the last time it happened.  It just was not a sexy thought and I much prefer to wait until I can be with her while I orgasm.

I woke up the next morning to find her toys under my pillow.  As usual she had taken the children out allowing me to sleep in a bit.  She explained to me later after I told her that I cleaned her toys and put them back where they belong that she had awoken early and was horny so she decided to have a few more orgasms.  I wanted to point out that she could have woken me up to help out and that I could have had my orgasm then, but she isn’t stupid.  Of course she knew that.  She preferred to take care of herself while I slept next to her with my cock in the device, denied the pleasure she was enjoying.  I was left to clean up duty, left to wait for opting out after she granted me a release.

Before returning home with the children she called and gave me instructions for the morning, things she wanted done before she arrived.

I’d say we are once again in synch and we are both very happy.

When too much of a good thing gets to your head…

The kids are now in school and my wife took off Monday so that we could have some time alone together.  Unfortunately she was feeling a bit depressed so her plans for a sexy day together didn’t really happen.  She apologized to me several times and I asked if she would just like to lay down and cuddle for a bit just so we could be close.  We did and it was nice, but I could tell she was still feeling very bummed out.  We chatted a bit and thinking it would make her feel better (uh, oh) I thanked her for the two wonderful experiences we’d had over the last week and told her they were “fantasy-like” or something along those lines.  Now, my intention was for her to feel less guilty about not wanting sex when she had planned for it by letting her know that she had been so amazing lately.  After a few moments she apologized for not being that way all the time.  I immediately felt horrible and tried to explain that it wasn’t a complaint about other times, rather something very special that I appreciated as being above and beyond.  She told me that she knew I meant it that way, and from what she said I got the impression that she wished she was just “on” more in that sense, as in it was really sexy for her as well but her libido and having kids, etc. prevent her from feeling that way all the time but she wished she did.

I let it go and we held each other quietly for a while before getting up and doing some chores.  As I worked I thought about it.  I thought about my fantasies and what it would be like if my wife were “on” more.  Frankly, the thought of that reality was a bit overwhelming.  I thought about how the escalation would make me feel, and although I’m sure it would be very exciting at first, maintaining that excitement would be very difficult, I imagine.  You build a tolerance towards everything, so escalating a large amount would be very intimidating.  What would happen when one of us was sick and couldn’t give the other the thrill they needed.  What would happen when we go through our little bouts of depression which are already hard enough.

As if to verify my thoughts my wife has continued in her funk all week.  I, of course, can’t help but anticipate some sort of sexual encounter between us, but there has been none.  This was brought to a head Wednesday night for me.  I was sent home from work early do to lack of business.  I was a bit excited about this as I’d get to spend more time with my wife.  I arrived home to her paying bills and she was not happy to see me.  She was not happy to see me because money is very, very tight right now, and for her to see me meant that I got sent home from work early, which meant work was slow, which meant I wasn’t making enough money.

So I was on the bad end of an extended complaint about the bad shape we are in until the end of the month.  Fair enough, really.  She does make the majority of the money and is in charge of finances.  If she has to bear that end I could at least bear the complaints.  But as her bed time grew near, and our time together shorter I started feeling very down about having spent our time together with her complaining at me.  This of course made me feel guilty about thinking more about how I felt than how she felt.

When she finally noticed the time I was sure she was going to go to bed, but instead she hesitated.  I built up the slight hope that she would tell me to join her in bed.  She was clearly debating whether or not she could stay up a little longer and finally she decided she could.  That’s when she turned on the TV to watch a show she had recorded earlier.

At that point I felt resentment.  How many times has she put off sex because it was “bed time”?  Not “I’m too tired”, just “it’s too late”.  So, I can’t even win out over a TV show?

This caused a huge spiral of guilt at my other feelings, all of which I really couldn’t prevent and was entitled to.  I’m human.  We can’t really control our emotions.  What I felt that I did that was inappropriate, though, was pout.  And I got the feeling my wife saw me pouting and wasn’t saying anything about it which just fueled the mixed up emotions I was already feeling.

When the show was over she got up and got herself a glass of water and took her allergy medicine and headed off to bed.  That seemed like the final snub as 99% of the time this is the last thing I do for her before she goes to sleep.

After she’d been in bed a few minutes I went in to kiss her goodnight.  She asked me if I was OK and I told her I wasn’t.  She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I couldn’t really explain it right then because it would probably make her feel guilty and that would be wrong because it had nothing to do with her, it was all in my own mind and I was acting inappropriately.  This brought a brief tear to her eye and she said, “thank you” before going to sleep.

It didn’t keep me from feeling crappy about the whole thing, though.

The next day I apologized for being pouty the night before and she told me I had every right to be after taking all that crap from her.  She then apologized for being so miserable all week and we generally tried to make each other feel better about feeling bad.  And yet, all I could think of was how she wished she would be more “on” and yet didn’t even do some of the simple things that she has been doing for two plus years now.

Completely unfair on my part, I know.

Last night was better though, and I think that’s when I figured out that my worries about her being “on” all the time were probably well founded.  I have one amazing week and when she didn’t “keep up the pace” I felt neglected and resentful.  While understandable it is entirely inappropriate for our arrangement and only makes things worse.

I’m glad she can have these wonderful moments sometimes, where everything just seems magical and meant to be, and I’ll leave the fantasies to the fantasy world.  I’m really just glad we have what we do and although I’d never say “no” to an increase in action, it’s only because that is a fantasy.

This is fun… why wasn’t that more obvious before?

I think my wife and I have recently realized something that should have probably been obvious long ago.  This is FUN!  Aside from all the other benefits we both get from our arrangement we can really have fun with this.

It seems that after our little lull we have both started having a lot more fun with this than before.  Not that we feel like we are playing a game, but my wife seems to be able to joke about things instead of feel like anytime she says something to me that should be “domme-y” it doesn’t really have to be serious.  For example, recently we were discussing dinner and she told me the two options and said, “it’s entirely up to you”.  Then, barely containing laughter she turned to me and pointed and said, “wait, nothing is ever up to you”!  We both had a good laugh as she picked the dinner she wanted.

This could have been played out several different ways, but my wife chose to be playful the way we are about most things.  She didn’t choose a serious tone and look down her nose and tell me it’s not up to me, and she didn’t taunt me with it and bring out feelings of humiliation.  Those other things would have been nice as well, but making a joke about it was just fun.

Of course jokes aren’t the only reason I now realize this can be fun.  It’s also the understanding that it doesn’t have to be serious all the time.  I guess this goes along with my confusion about the idea of a “24/7” type discussion that comes up in blogs occasionally.  I consider my wife and I to be “24/7” because when she agreed to it she agreed that it would be all the time.  That doesn’t mean that something kinky is always going on.  During our little lull very little happened at all, but there was always the understanding that we have an arrangement and that it was to be honored at all times.

So, it now seems obvious to me that our arrangement doesn’t have to be serious all the time.  It’s whatever we are making it at that moment, and right now my wife seems to just be having fun with different aspects of it, nothing particularly kinky or exciting, but things that usually bring a smile to at least her face, if not both of ours.

My wife also seems to be pushing the boundaries a bit more.  I don’t know if this coincides with realizing things don’t have to be serious all the time or not, but she really seems to be a little more open about things right now.  I mentioned this to her last night and she didn’t think too much of it.  She still felt as if things she may say or do wouldn’t necessarily let people in on what we have going on, but to me she is definitely being more open.

Last Saturday night was a perfect example of this.  I got home from work much earlier than expected, just as my wife, kids and mother-in-law were finishing dinner.  The kids left the table and my wife and mother-in-law got up and went to watch some TV.  By way of greeting from my wife I got, “Hi!  You are just in time to clean up from dinner”!    As I cleaned she again pointed out to her mother, “Isn’t it great that (my name) comes home from work and cleans up our dinner”?

Her explanation to me was that she was just trying to point out to her mother what an awesome husband I am.  But there was a look in her eye that said she didn’t really care if her mom read more into it or not.

While that was the most blatent recent instance it is really the increasing frequency of such instances, especially in front of her mother, that stand out.  While any individual statement may leave something to the imagination of the person she is speaking to, many such statements can make people stop and wonder.  I think this is really another way she was just having fun with our arrangement.

Thankfully she is also having more fun by having more orgasms.  Not only is she taking more advantage of opportunities when she is obviously in the mood, but it appears she is also taking more opportunities to put herself in the mood.  And on one occasion just took advantage of an opportunity.

While her mother was visiting we took a short trip to the beach.  After going back to the place we had rented for lunch my wife told her mother to keep the kids at the pool and we would prepare lunch.  I quickly jumped in the shower to get the sand and salt water off of me and a minute later my wife jumped in with me… errr… jumped me.  She took me to the bedroom and told me to get to work.  Thankfully she had me go down on her first as I was slow to get an erection with the knowledge that the bedroom door didn’t lock and her mother or the kids could come barging in from the pool with little notice.  After bringing her to a couple of orgasms she asked me if I wanted to cum.  While my brain screamed “OH MY GOD YES!!!!” my mouth said, “I want whatever you want”.  Her response was, “Good, it will be more fun to make you wait”.

Moments like that are so wonderful.  They are also often the stuff of fantasy, so as soon as she said it I had a hell of a time controlling myself.  I wanted to just start pounding away while the magical words were fresh.  My mind reeled in the agony and ecstasy of the moment, getting exactly what you love so much and turns you on so much that you just want to erupt in orgasm.  Ahh, I love those moments.

It amazes me to think that we had another one of those moments last night.  We watched a little TV as I folded laundry.  At the end of the show we were watching my wife told me she was going to bed.  I wanted to ask her if I might be allowed to go down on her, but I couldn’t think of the right words, so instead I asked her if I could “help her relax” before bed.  I guess she understood my euphemism and told me to get her allergy medicine and a glass of water and take them to her in bed.  I got them and entered the room and knelt at the side of the bed (did I mention I’m doing the kneeling thing again as she made it clear to me that she enjoys it?).  As she sat up and swallowed the pills she told me that I may use my mouth on her and told me to get her toys.  I got the toys and stripped down to just my cock ring and the device.

I slid into bed and made a move to kiss her.  She intercepted me and redirected my mouth.  Although it was not the first time that I’ve gone down on her while wearing the device it is still a rare enough occurrence as to be another “fantasy” type moment.  And it only got better.

After her first orgasm she got her dildo and had me use it while licking her.  Finally she’d had enough of me and used her mini vibe and the dildo together while I lay off to the side trying not to whimper in subspace to loudly.

After another orgasm I thought she would be done, but instead took my hand and had me grip the end of the dildo while she held onto my caged cock.  The power exchange of the moment put her over the edge as she had a final, enormous orgasm.  When she had gathered herself she told me to edge myself six times before bed, but to do it somewhere else as to not disturb her.

This is so much fun!