The kids are now in school and my wife took off Monday so that we could have some time alone together. Unfortunately she was feeling a bit depressed so her plans for a sexy day together didn’t really happen. She apologized to me several times and I asked if she would just like to lay down and cuddle for a bit just so we could be close. We did and it was nice, but I could tell she was still feeling very bummed out. We chatted a bit and thinking it would make her feel better (uh, oh) I thanked her for the two wonderful experiences we’d had over the last week and told her they were “fantasy-like” or something along those lines. Now, my intention was for her to feel less guilty about not wanting sex when she had planned for it by letting her know that she had been so amazing lately. After a few moments she apologized for not being that way all the time. I immediately felt horrible and tried to explain that it wasn’t a complaint about other times, rather something very special that I appreciated as being above and beyond. She told me that she knew I meant it that way, and from what she said I got the impression that she wished she was just “on” more in that sense, as in it was really sexy for her as well but her libido and having kids, etc. prevent her from feeling that way all the time but she wished she did.
I let it go and we held each other quietly for a while before getting up and doing some chores. As I worked I thought about it. I thought about my fantasies and what it would be like if my wife were “on” more. Frankly, the thought of that reality was a bit overwhelming. I thought about how the escalation would make me feel, and although I’m sure it would be very exciting at first, maintaining that excitement would be very difficult, I imagine. You build a tolerance towards everything, so escalating a large amount would be very intimidating. What would happen when one of us was sick and couldn’t give the other the thrill they needed. What would happen when we go through our little bouts of depression which are already hard enough.
As if to verify my thoughts my wife has continued in her funk all week. I, of course, can’t help but anticipate some sort of sexual encounter between us, but there has been none. This was brought to a head Wednesday night for me. I was sent home from work early do to lack of business. I was a bit excited about this as I’d get to spend more time with my wife. I arrived home to her paying bills and she was not happy to see me. She was not happy to see me because money is very, very tight right now, and for her to see me meant that I got sent home from work early, which meant work was slow, which meant I wasn’t making enough money.
So I was on the bad end of an extended complaint about the bad shape we are in until the end of the month. Fair enough, really. She does make the majority of the money and is in charge of finances. If she has to bear that end I could at least bear the complaints. But as her bed time grew near, and our time together shorter I started feeling very down about having spent our time together with her complaining at me. This of course made me feel guilty about thinking more about how I felt than how she felt.
When she finally noticed the time I was sure she was going to go to bed, but instead she hesitated. I built up the slight hope that she would tell me to join her in bed. She was clearly debating whether or not she could stay up a little longer and finally she decided she could. That’s when she turned on the TV to watch a show she had recorded earlier.
At that point I felt resentment. How many times has she put off sex because it was “bed time”? Not “I’m too tired”, just “it’s too late”. So, I can’t even win out over a TV show?
This caused a huge spiral of guilt at my other feelings, all of which I really couldn’t prevent and was entitled to. I’m human. We can’t really control our emotions. What I felt that I did that was inappropriate, though, was pout. And I got the feeling my wife saw me pouting and wasn’t saying anything about it which just fueled the mixed up emotions I was already feeling.
When the show was over she got up and got herself a glass of water and took her allergy medicine and headed off to bed. That seemed like the final snub as 99% of the time this is the last thing I do for her before she goes to sleep.
After she’d been in bed a few minutes I went in to kiss her goodnight. She asked me if I was OK and I told her I wasn’t. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I couldn’t really explain it right then because it would probably make her feel guilty and that would be wrong because it had nothing to do with her, it was all in my own mind and I was acting inappropriately. This brought a brief tear to her eye and she said, “thank you” before going to sleep.
It didn’t keep me from feeling crappy about the whole thing, though.
The next day I apologized for being pouty the night before and she told me I had every right to be after taking all that crap from her. She then apologized for being so miserable all week and we generally tried to make each other feel better about feeling bad. And yet, all I could think of was how she wished she would be more “on” and yet didn’t even do some of the simple things that she has been doing for two plus years now.
Completely unfair on my part, I know.
Last night was better though, and I think that’s when I figured out that my worries about her being “on” all the time were probably well founded. I have one amazing week and when she didn’t “keep up the pace” I felt neglected and resentful. While understandable it is entirely inappropriate for our arrangement and only makes things worse.
I’m glad she can have these wonderful moments sometimes, where everything just seems magical and meant to be, and I’ll leave the fantasies to the fantasy world. I’m really just glad we have what we do and although I’d never say “no” to an increase in action, it’s only because that is a fantasy.
Filed under: female led relationship, life, random thoughts, the little things, wife led marriage |
All For Her 
It sounds very much to me that we are reaching the same conclusion about things WL, at pretty much the same time. I too have come to the conclusion that much of what a submissive husbands wants is pure fantasy and completely unsustainable in the real world, especailly if your wife is neither dominant by nature, or enjoys encouraging her husband’s submissive behaviour to help meet her own sexual needs or satisfaction.
I am really not sure how much longer I can add anything interesting to my own blog, as I don’t see how things can develop significantly beyond were we have got to in our WLM.
I think at some point all husbands in our situation have to come to terms with what we have or have not and just accpet that fantasies are just that, and best saved for the odd occassion when they may or may not occur for you.
AFH, AAT,
I think that both of you are figuring out what I went through a wile ago, and realized that I cannot live my fantasy 24/7, especially at the expense of my wife. That does not mean giving up FLR, or giving up serving her in any way she wants it. But between those fantasy heights I must endure vanilla marriage like most men do. Of course, even during those times, I try to be polite, helpful, and not behave like an ass.
I am not pointing fingers. I know that both of you see it that way. If only most men could do that, there would be more happiness in marriage. Good luck to you both.