Frustration, and not the fun kind

Last night as my wife set off for bed she asked me for a back rub.  This often, not always, but often, leads to other things.  Seeing as she seems to have sparked renewed attention to our arrangement and that she knows how I have been on edge since our last intimate encounter I was hoping for something more than the back rub.

She laid on her stomach and I straddled her to give her the back rub.  When she was satisfied I rolled off to the side (quite worked up).  I gently caressed her and planted small kisses on her shoulder.  She turned to me and said, “this isn’t always about sex”.

Huh.

She mentioned that the other day as well.  She must think we are having an awful lot of sex.

The problem is, from my point of view, this year it has always been NOT about sex.  We have been intimate a mere 19 times since January 1.  This has been a large factor in my stepping back from the arrangement.  This isn’t a pleasant teasing denial.  This is disregard.  There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because there is no rainbow.  It’s just gray and dreary out.  Over the year I stopped holding out hope that things would change.  A few years back we were intimate 2-3 times a week.  Last year 3-5 times a month.  Now we are intimate once every 5-7 weeks.  Fourteen of our 19 encounters ended with me being allowed to orgasm.  It’s like we’ve moved from chastity for me to celibacy for us.

So last night I felt a great frustration.  Not the pleasant frustration of being allowed to give and not receive, just the frustration of realizing my wife and I are clearly not on the same page right now.  This lack of intimacy is brutal.