Frustration, and not the fun kind

Last night as my wife set off for bed she asked me for a back rub.  This often, not always, but often, leads to other things.  Seeing as she seems to have sparked renewed attention to our arrangement and that she knows how I have been on edge since our last intimate encounter I was hoping for something more than the back rub.

She laid on her stomach and I straddled her to give her the back rub.  When she was satisfied I rolled off to the side (quite worked up).  I gently caressed her and planted small kisses on her shoulder.  She turned to me and said, “this isn’t always about sex”.


She mentioned that the other day as well.  She must think we are having an awful lot of sex.

The problem is, from my point of view, this year it has always been NOT about sex.  We have been intimate a mere 19 times since January 1.  This has been a large factor in my stepping back from the arrangement.  This isn’t a pleasant teasing denial.  This is disregard.  There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because there is no rainbow.  It’s just gray and dreary out.  Over the year I stopped holding out hope that things would change.  A few years back we were intimate 2-3 times a week.  Last year 3-5 times a month.  Now we are intimate once every 5-7 weeks.  Fourteen of our 19 encounters ended with me being allowed to orgasm.  It’s like we’ve moved from chastity for me to celibacy for us.

So last night I felt a great frustration.  Not the pleasant frustration of being allowed to give and not receive, just the frustration of realizing my wife and I are clearly not on the same page right now.  This lack of intimacy is brutal.

6 Responses

  1. I don’t think that you are alone here. Does your wife know how you feel, silly question, I suspect that she doesn’t. You sound very much like me, want your cake and eat it, but it doesn’t work out like that I am afraid.

    If only our wives really understood what motivated us and how best to “manage” our expectations, we all seem to want denial, even chastity, but only if it comes in a way that we enjoy, how we want it to be.

    I am not saying that that is wrong or how it should be, just that it’s really difficult to achieve sometimes, especially if you can’t ask for or explain exactly what it is that you want.

    Sometimes we get so hung up about a FLR being all about what the woman wants should have, it makes it difficult to justify asking for something in return. Maybe a FLR is not all about the female leading, but best describes a relationship that is mutually beneficial, your wife trading a certain lifestyle and a freedom to expect certain things from her husband, in return for treating him to certain things.

    I guess we are intimate maybe 2-3 times per month, so once every 5-7 weeks is rather minimal, especially if there isno T&D in between.

  2. I am in a similar situation as you as far as being married more than a decade with kids, etc.

    Frankly, your blog is sometimes confusing. On the one hand, you post about going down on her wife and her offering to reciprocate and you express a desire to just focus on her. You’ve also posted stuff like this where you seem to revel in the denial aspect of your relationship,

    “After my last release she pointed out that she hoped I enjoyed it because I have to wait many weeks between orgasms while she can have them whenever she wants, and she told me that I haven’t been providing her with enough (that’s a bit frustrating as I’m always horny and she seems to have the lack of libido often). But she continued to point out that it would be a LONG time before my next orgasm.”

    OTOH, you also obviously don’t fee like your wife is being intimate frequently enough.

    Have you told her? Have you specifically told her how frequently you need physical intimacy in order to not feel neglected?

    If you haven’t, you need to. If you have, you might want to revisit that. Personally, I find outlining these things in email and then following up with a f2f discussion later helpful, as I tend to leave out hugely important things if we only talk f2f about such hot button issues.

    Personally, I like the whole WLM thing but think the denial aspect is way overrated and overemphasized. My wife can be in control in the bedroom (and out) and yet still be physically intimate very frequently (5-6 times/week).. But we’re able to do that because I’ve talked to her about what this does for me, what I’m looking for out of it, and then also listened to what she wants/is looking for and figured out the best way to mesh the two.

  3. I’m sorry for the confusion, but I should also point out that you linked to my first post nearly four years ago. I was trying to explain the changes that even I didn’t quite understand at the time.
    Since we have entered into our arrangement it has been made clear that I will receive no more oral, first off.
    Secondly, it increased our intimacy greatly. We went from once a week (ho-hum, it’s Sunday night, sex night) to exciting 2-3 times a week. It didn’t happen overnight, but it happened. When it slowed down to a couple of times a month I started feeling a bit of disconnect, and now that we have only been intimate 19 times this year there is a real disconnect.
    I wanted to talk to her last night about it, but I was upset and didn’t want it to sound like I was trying to pressure her into sex.
    I just want her to understand that I don’t think it’s healthy for us to have such little intimate time together. I think it explains a lot of the stress we have been feeling and the anxiety attacks I’ve been having.

  4. Has your wife read “Uniquely Rika”? (the link is on my blog) If not, this may make a unique Christmas gift for her. Ms Rika’s book helps explain the need for “male-centric” activities and “gifts” that take literally no effort on the part of your wife but enhance the D/s relationship and your satisfaction.

  5. Early on my wife and I looked at the sites for both Rika and Real Women Don’t Do Housework. She took the ideas she liked from both sites when deciding how she wanted our arrangement to be uniquely hers. As time progressed it just became more about her and less about me. I think our talk last night helped to clear this up.

  6. Glad to hear it. Best wishes to both of you!

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