And yet another paradox

I’ve been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now.  They have become worse over the last year and I often have panic attacks while driving.  This is no surprise really, as I’ve had nightmares about car accidents since childhood and I’m also afraid of heights, so a highway overpass can almost shut me down completely.

Because of this I’ve been taking a low dose of Xanax for the past year.  I’d rather not take meds, but because I can’t predict when a panic attack will hit I take a regular dose every day.

I think my wife didn’t really appreciate the severity of a bad attack until she recently witnessed one.  She was a little shaken by how it could completely shut me down (curl up in a ball on the bed for an hour not moving).

Anyway, it appears that she thinks long term orgasm denial may not be helping the situation.  About a month ago she let on to this and told me she was thinking of a new plan.  That night she let me have a release even though we both felt it was a little soon.  Since then it seems to be on a two week basis.

Sunday night she was up late, very tired and a little intoxicated.  Although I’d been hoping to mess around a little I assumed she was headed straight for bed.  As usual I brought her her medicine and a glass of water after she was comfortably in bed.  She surprised me by asking if I’d also brought my “big cock”.

I had.

She played with her mini vibe for a while but it was becoming apparent to me that she’d had to much to drink to reach orgasm.  In our 19 years together I’ve learned to read these things, as you can imagine.  I’ve learned to tell the real thing (which you just can’t fake) from her just trying to get me off.

This is part of what led to our arrangement in the first place.  I didn’t like the idea of her having sex with me because she felt it was her “wifely duty”.

After some time with her vibe, an amount of time that usually would bring multiple orgasms (maybe it brought one), she had me enter her.  It became readily apparent that she wasn’t really getting off and was making lots of sexy moans and groans and comments about my size and how good I felt inside her.  These are the old tactics she used when she wanted to make me cum quickly.

So I was torn.  We were back to square one.  Or are we?

It’s an aspect of our relationship that I didn’t like in the past, but this time it’s different.  She was in control.  She had an agenda.  It had been two weeks since my last orgasm and she wanted to make sure I had another that night.  Regardless of her own enjoyment she took control and had me make love to her and brought me to an orgasm, an orgasm she wanted to make sure I had.

So it’s clearly orgasm control… Right?

I’m not going to think about it too much right now.  I know she’s also fully aware of the lack of intimacy that happened last year and she wants to make sure we don’t let that happen again.  But it’s strange to think that we’ve come full circle, except this time in a different context.

Looks like it’s time for another talk.  I’d like to hear her express her ideas fully and perhaps we can come up with some more options.  If she had ordered me to masturbate to orgasm it wouldn’t have felt so backwards.  I really had mixed emotions over the whole thing.  Clearly the idea of her still being in control of my orgasm won the day, and I once I realized there was no way I was going to make her orgasm first I did my best to “get it over with” for her (although to be honest I contemplated topping from the bottom and trying to draw it out to the point she just couldn’t go on and would give me the double tap letting me know it was over, but I didn’t).

So I guess that’s where we stand right now.  Imperfect, but her choice, so I’ll go with it.  Time will tell how it will work out.

First “Arrangement Talk” in a long time

Well, we had our first talk in a long time last night about the arrangement.

It had been a long rough day, and my wife had earlier been informed of a loss in the family, so I had planned on putting it off.  My wife, however knows me well and could tell I wanted to talk.  I tried to beg off, but she sat down and told me to get whatever it was off my chest.

I stumbled a bit at first trying to set it up and put it in perspective and she told me to basically spit it out.  So I did.  I told her that I got her message of her opinion of my “cumming too much” and “it’s not always about the sex”.  I then gave her the statistics.  I could see the stunned look in her eyes as she took it in and sat quietly for a moment before responding, “those are some sad stats”.  She got it.  But as it all set in she got a bit defensive and tried to rationalize it all.  I told her that she was right on all counts and justified in her beliefs that she is the prime bread winner, the runner of the household, etc. and the high stress.

I explained that all this was true, but it has been true for years now.  The main difference that stands out, though is the correlation between the high feelings of stress we both feel and the problems with anxiety I’ve been dealing with over the last year.  I pointed out a lot of things she already knows, like how sex releases all those feel good chemicals that help with these things, and if we have only been intimate 19 times this year as opposed to, let’s say roughly 60-70 last year and 140-ish the previous year, then it seems like the lack of intimacy could be a main culprit in our problems.

I also explained how I saw the arrangement as adding to the stress so stepped back a bit from it while she saw my pulling back as adding to the stress of the arrangement.  I told her that arrangement or not, the lack of intimacy would cause the disconnect in any relationship and if ending our arrangement would help then so be it, because the only important thing to me was the health of our relationship.

At one point she broke down and cried and I comforted her.  She asked what I thought needed to happen to fix things.  I explained how she told me in the past (and from what I understand is a familiar feeling in many women) that often she wouldn’t be in the mood initially, but once we started she would warm up to it and usually ended up having her best orgasms.  She agreed with that.  I then said that perhaps we had to go back to an old fashioned (for us and many others I’m sure) scheduled night of sex.  Sunday night will be “sex night”.  We’ll take it from there.  It doesn’t have to be only Sunday, but hopefully having sex regularly will help her to remember how GOOD sex is.

She realized that she had taken the “all about her” aspect to the extreme and that I clearly needed attention as well and saw that her extreme view was also detrimental to her.

As I put her to bed I told her that I was fine if we needed to stop the arrangement and start fresh.  She was dead set against that.  “Nothing is over”, she informed me.  “The arrangement stays”!

It was rough, but we never should have let it get that bad.  I think things will turn around from here.

A Rough December

It’s been a rough month… more actually.  It really started a few weeks before Thanksgiving when our oven died.  That in itself wasn’t horrible, but since then things kept piling up until about 12 days before Christmas.  The day of my work Christmas party our kids were sick on top of all the other stress that had been building up and my wife had reached her breaking point and took it out on me.

She basically felt completely frustrated and alone and in the moment felt like our Arrangement was part of the problem.  She felt that because she was supposed to lead that I didn’t have to deal with all the stress an didn’t do anything unless specifically told to do something by her.  I acknowledged her hurt feelings and let her continue.  She then started into the sources of our stress and how she felt that I hadn’t done anything about any of it and explained all the things that she had done.

I began to feel hurt and angry.  She couldn’t see how much this stress was hurting me as well.  Instead of snapping at her I told her that she had a right to feel the way she did, but then gave her a different perspective.  I started with the oven.  Our old oven was small and wall mounted.  We also had an old, dying stove top.  When the oven died I suggested getting a range to replace the oven and stove top.  To do this I would have to do some work in the kitchen.  My wife ended up disagreeing because she didn’t have faith that I would follow through with the plans.  Instead she just wanted to update and replace what we had… until a salesman essentially advised that we do what I had initially suggested (without knowing I had already suggested it).  With that my wife changed her mind and we bought the range.

With my wife feeling stressed and depressed, however, she remembered it differently.  In her mind I hadn’t done anything until she decided to buy a range, order it and give me a deadline to have the demolition and other work done.  I gently reminded her of this pointing out that it wasn’t that I hadn’t done anything, it had just taken her some time to agree to what I had initially suggested and that I had done everything I had said I would do.  The project isn’t over by any means.  We had agreed that this would be just the start of a kitchen remodel that may take a year or two (since we don’t have the money to do it all at once).

Once she realized that I was right she relaxed a little, but I could tell she was now starting to feel guilty and that wouldn’t help anything.  I also gave her a different perspective on some of the other issues that had been causing us stress and then suggested what the real problem was.  I pointed out the problem wasn’t that she was “in charge”, or that I was “lazy” or any of those things.  The problem was that these issues were piling up and we were both very busy before Christmas and had no time at all to commiserate and deal with what was happening together.  She felt like she was dealing with it alone because she was dealing with it alone, or nearly.  I was dealing with it alone as well.  Hell, I was at work when I got the news that our son required a surgical procedure to correct his vision.  All I wanted at that moment was to be with my family, but I had to work.  In all the stress, and grief and depression my wife only remembered that I wasn’t there.  She didn’t remember why I wasn’t there.  That was secondary to her feeling alone to deal with the news.

When it was all said and done we both felt much better.  It was clear that my wife was relieved.  It also served to reinforce the idea that she doesn’t “lead” because of our Arrangement, but we came up with the Arrangement because for better or worse, the final decision is always hers.  It may sometimes feel like extra stress, but probably is no more stressful than when I make a decision for her and she has to second guess it and often disagree with it (at least initially).

Since that conversation things have been wonderful.  We still have all of the stress to deal with, but she knows she isn’t alone in it.  As a matter of fact she has relaxed enough to the point where her sex drive seems to have kicked in to overdrive.  This hasn’t exactly turned into more sex for me, unless you count cleaning her toys as sex… which I don’t.  Not that I’m complaining.  I enjoyed being in my device all day yesterday while she spent an hour in the afternoon by herself just “messing around”.  When she was done she joined me in the family room and hugged me, then cupped my caged cock while looking deep into my eyes.  It was a wonderful moment of power exchange.  Later that night, as she went to bed, I asked if I might be allowed to fool around a bit as well.  She replied, “Just for a minute… I don’t want you getting carried away”.

Having been allowed to orgasm Christmas day I would guess I’m done for the year bringing me to a total of 20 orgasms.  Four less than last year.  Oddly, at this point last year I felt like I wanted more orgasms.  24 seemed too few.  This time I feel like 20 was too many.  Next year I would love to wait six weeks between releases.  I think that would be HOT!!!

Life getting in the way…

Arrrggghhhh!

I am so ready for this project to be over.  We are taking too long to complete it.  At first it was nice knowing that we would have plenty of time to get it done, but now I just want it DONE!

Granted, it’s mostly for selfish reasons.  I would just love to be able to spend more nights and more time with my wife.  I’d love to be able to get out of this “Alpha” mind set that I really need to stay in during the project (although maybe I’m being a little too Alpha as my associates have even started commenting on my apparent change in personality lately).  I also think the project is contributing to my feelings of depression.  We are working on our project one night a week, but generally we go almost all night leaving no time to sleep and the next night I’m up late at my regular job.  This is creating a general feeling of fatigue throughout the week which makes me have very little motivation to do anything else and with conflicting emotions about submissive feelings and a general lack of regular intimacy with my wife, well, is it depression or just a coincidence of crappiness?  I don’t know, but I’m ready to get back to my regular old routine.

Speaking of intamacy, we stole a few moments Saturday for some shared time.  It started with my wife asking me to watch the kids for a while so she could shower and have some alone time.  I was going to take the kids to the pool, but it was closed due to thunder in the area.  So I kept the kids occupied while my wife showered.  I also took the opportunity to lay my wife’s toys next to her pillow in case she wanted to have a little “relaxation” during her alone time.  After about an hour she came out of the bedroom and gave me a big kiss and whispered in my ear, “we need new batteries”.  My knees just about buckled.  I was wearing my device and was instantly pressing against the restraint.

Having relaxed my wife now spent some time with the kids herself.  I took the opportunity to order some batteries online.  Of course with the shipping charge it doesn’t make sense to order them online, unless I get something else, so I also ordered the chrome cock ring my wife has wanted me to get for a while now.  I’m pretty excited to get it.  I often wear the leather cock ring that is part of my device when I’m at work or out and about and wearing the device isn’t feasible.  Hopefully I’ll be able to wear this chrome one often as well.

I’m a little nervous about the sizing.  It seems that 2 1/4 inches is the largest the majority of the rings come in.  I measured myself multiple times and I’m afraid it’s going to be too small.  On the other hand I just find it hard to believe that I would be that much larger than the largest size.

Anyway, the thunder passed without any storms and we decided to all go to the pool.  My wife and I got undressed to put our suits on.  I also removed the device which I’d been wearing since before bed the night before.  I immediately became partially aroused from the feeling of relief.  As I slid my suit on I became completely aroused.  My wife saw the strange look on my face and asked what was wrong.  I apologised and told her I was just “incredibly horny”.  She asked if she thought we could distract the kids for a bit and mess around.  I jumped and put the kids in front of a movie and told them not to move.  I then locked and barred the doors to the room and jumped into bed as my wife used up what life was left in the batteries in her vibe.  She then had me go down on her for a bit before asking for her cock.  It felt so good to be inside her again after three weeks that I initially feared I’d lose it right away.  I shook those thoughts off (literally) and went to work concentrating on her.  I could tell she was getting close when there was an unfortunate rattle of the door knob.  We were able to send the kids away without getting out of bed, but we’d lost momentum.  We started back up but a few minutes later we were again disrupted.  At this point I was sure my wife had lost interest but she hadn’t told me to stop yet.  I wasn’t sure if I should continue though.  Finally we kind of mutually agreed the moment was lost.  As my wife got up to get dressed she looked down at my erection and said, “you can play with that for a bit, but don’t make a mess”.

“Don’t make a mess”?

“You may cum”.

She then watched with a smirk as I feverishly masturbated myself to an orgasm making a mess of myself, but nothing else.  Her little smirk was just humiliating enough to make the whole thing incredibly hot and has helped put me in a bit of kinky head space since.  Not quite sub head space, but definitely kinky head space.

Now if we could just get back to being intimate more often.  I really think it would heal a lot of things right now for both of us.

OC/OD stats to date – 10 (oops, 9) releases.

(these stats are mostly for my own counting although I’m sure there are some others who are interested in such things)

Holiday Weekend

Well, I guess everyone has been busy over the holiday weekend.  None of the blogs I follow regularly seem to have been updated in a while.  Oh, well.

I had a decent sized list of chores to take care of this weekend.  Some were jobs my wife gave me and others were things I just needed to get done. 

The Fourth of July wasn’t very exciting.  I had to work that night so I grilled up some burgers for lunch and that was our mini-celebration.  Usually I’m more excited about the fourth, but this year it just snuck up on me.  I didn’t even have a flag to fly (somebody ripped up my last one early in the spring).  

The fifth was a little more fun.  My wife was feeling very frisky and was trying to figure out how to keep the kids entertained for a while so that she could get some personal attention from me.  Unfortunately for us there was no lock on our bedroom door and the fear of getting caught won the day.  Until I suggested that she use her dildo and vibrator while I played with the kids.  She told me that was a great idea and off I went.  A while later she came out of the bedroom.  The kids went out to play and she told me she had a great time and that she’d forgotten how much she loved her dildo (it hasn’t been used in at least ten years).  She then told me that she’d left the dildo and vibe in my pillow for me to take care of.  “And I need you to replace the batteries in the vibrator and buy a doorknob that locks”.  Duly noted and added to list of things to buy at the hardware store Sunday.

There was a bit of excitement as I was about to leave for work.  My wife noted the mailman was down the street.  Ugh.  Anxiety.  He was moving so slowly and the time was ticking away and I really had to leave for work, but couldn’t.  Right as I decide I can’t wait any longer and head out to the garage my wife calls that the mail came.  There is disappointment in her voice.  No device.  Reprieve.

Sunday – lot’s of yard work and sweating and more work.  Nothing exciting.

Yesterday morning the anxiety creeped up again.  Surely it would arrive that afternoon.  It was ordered eight days before.  The previous Monday morning I had received my email confirmation of payment and delivery address.  The company ships everything priority mail, so two to three days shipping. 

My wife called at lunch time.  With barely contained excitement she asked, “did the mail come”?

“No”.

Disappointment.

Later that afternoon the mail did arrive and there was a small box by our door.  It was not the box she was eagerly anticipating.

So, at this point I felt compelled to send an email out asking if there is tracking information available.

I woke up this morning to find an email response with the tracking number and an appology for any delay due to the holiday.  OK.  I knew the holiday could interfere.  But that was one day.  They were asking me to expect and extra 2-3 day wait.  Fine.

I checked the delivery status of the package:

The U.S. Postal Service was electronically notified by the shipper on July 3, 2008 to expect your package for mailing. This does not indicate receipt by the USPS or the actual mailing date. Delivery status information will be provided if / when available. Information, if available, is updated every evening. Please check again later.

What?  I ordered it on the 29th of June, I get the confirmation on the 30th of June and then three days later they request a pickup?  And there is no indication it has actually left their building.  Of course these guys need to send things priority mail.  They need that just to get you your package within two weeks!

It’s funny that because of this whole shipping fiasco I’m actually not even concerned about what’s going to happen once the package gets here.  I’ll withhold a final critique of the company until I actually get the product and check it out.  I’ll see if it was worth the wait and then let everyone know what company it is.

Oh, the anxiety!

I feel like I’m in a line for a really scary roller coaster.  I’m nervous and excited and wondering if I’m making a big mistake.  I want to get out of the line and I want the line to speed up so that the ride can start and I can’t get off.

The device may come in the mail today.  Tomorrow is a holiday so it won’t come then, and with the holiday it may not even come on Saturday, which means I’ll have this roller coaster feeling until Monday.  God I hope it just comes today so I can get past this feeling.  Please please please please please!  I’m not a big fan of anxiety.  Is that a thing in D/s? 

“Oh, you know, I’m into bondage, water sports, breath play, humiliation, anxiety play…”.

So, it’s been 18 days since my last orgasm.  In that time I had one missed opportunity.  Since our routine has pretty much been a release every two to three weeks, and I had that blown chance, I’m not sure what my wife will do about it.  From what I can tell, and our brief conversations about it, my wife lets me have a release when she thinks I’ve had to wait long enough, which is generally that 2 to 3 week time frame.  Now, having missed my opportunity I’m nervous that she has “reset” herself to 0 days, if you know what I mean.  She’s made it clear that she generally doesn’t think about my release, so I’m sure she isn’t thinking about my missed opportunity.  Add to that her excitement about the device and the fact that she has just welcomed her monthly visitor and I don’t see a release in my immediate future.

Normally when I’ve gone this long I feel like I can go forever without release.  But the anxiety from the imminent arrival of the device is making me want to beg for a release.  I wanted to last night but my wife was clearly sooo tired (and the visitor) and she had to get up extra early today, so instead I just asked for permission to masturbate.  She told me I could and then I went and edged myself eleven times in half an hour.  I’m regretting that today.  But knowing I’m not going to be able to jerk off soon is a difficult thing to wrap my head around and I’m trying to get in as much as I can before then.  Yes, I know that I’ll still be able to touch myself while wearing it, but I won’t be able to stroke.

An interesting thing occurred when I asked for permission.  As I was on my knees at the side of the bed asking my wife for permission to masturbate she told me, “don’t do that”.  I appologised and she said, “don’t cringe when you ask me”.  I told her it was because I was nervous because I thought it made her uncomfortable.  I asked her again, this time without cringing and she told me that was better and that I could masturbate.

Ugh.  I need to find something to do to distract myself.  Time is moving waaaaay to slow right now and I’ve already checked for the mail 4 times and I know it doesn’t arrive for hours.

Stay tuned…