Being set straight

It’s been a long time since the last post.

As the title of the post announced, break time was over… or was it?

The stress and strain of real life continued and although I kept up with a lot of our arrangement rules I felt that I should let up a little as I felt that the arrangement only added to the stress on my wife.  It wasn’t entirely gone, but it seemed to be pushed to the back burner.

Yesterday i was informed that I was severely mistaken.

I asked if my wife would like some “us” time yesterday as the kids watched a movie.  I showered and waited for my wife.  I brought out the toys and put on my cock ring.  When my wife was ready she had me go down on her.  After her first orgasm she took a break and I told her I had put fresh batteries in her vibe.

“Good”, she replied.

She then brought herself to another orgasm with the vibe.

After that I asked if she wanted the Purple Monster.  She did.  She slid it all the way in.  My God that thing is huge.  She took it all with pleasure.  She told me to show her my cock so I got on my knees near her head and presented myself.  She then did what I had fantasized about for years.  She slowly stroked me to the edge while bringing herself to another orgasm.  As I shuddered in agony/ecstasy she told me to slowly fuck her with the dildo.

After several orgasms I asked if I enter her.  She let me and I lasted a few minutes before having to pull out.  She used the vibe a little longer and got herself off a few more times.  She then allowed me to masturbate for a few minutes.

While I masturbated she let me know she was disappointed in my service.  Not only that, but disappointed that I had apparently given up on the arrangement.

That is how deep we are into the arrangement.  Things that were once special are now normal, so to say that I had given up on it means that she expects more.

To be honest, though, I had let things go a bit.  As I said I felt like it was added stress to my wife’s life and also I was just feeling selfish and lazy.

My wife cleared this all up and told me how I have been disappointing her by not catering to her needs more.  In her times of stress with work and life I should be offering myself to her more, not less.  I should be asking how I can help her more and not relying on her asking me to do/get things for her.  I should be anticipating her needs and finding ways to surprise her or finding ways to please her.

Duh.  I can be very ignorant at times.  And selfish.  And lazy.

She continued on to tell me that she has seen a drop off  in service between orgasms and that I she thinks she has let me cum too often.

This is where this blog is going to start sounding like fantasy fodder.

Really?  I cum too often?  I’ve had 14 orgasms this year and one of those wasn’t really an orgasm, just an ejaculation.  I think this may be where she thinks I cum too often.  A few weeks ago while we made love she told me I could cum.  I felt the build up and told her I was going to cum and right before orgasm I told her it was gone.  I was baffled.  I didn’t know what had happened.  I told her I didn’t cum and she told me I had.  I pulled out and it was obvious I had ejaculated.  If it wasn’t for my obvious worry she probably wouldn’t have believed me.  It had been six weeks since my previous release.  To make up for it she let me orgasm a week later and asked, “was that  better”?

Anyway, I asked her what letting me cum too much meant (I’m guessing I’m done for the year) and she listed all the things she expects from me, including the fact that I missed our 4 year arrangement anniversary.

Aaaaahhhhh!

How is it that I missed it and she remembered?!?!

All this time I worried that she felt this was more about me and my kinks than her and her needs.  Instead this has become such an ingrained part of our life that she knows it’s about her and her needs and wants and not about what I think.

This post has been a bit of a ramble but my mind is just racing right now and I wanted to catch everyone up.  I’ll probably be posting more regularly.  Hopefully I’ll have interesting things to say and not just repeating what I’ve posted over the years.

Huh.  How about that.  This blog has been going for several years.

Where I’m at

When I started this blog it was to help me work through all the new feelings I was discovering and to relate to people with similar inclinations.  I had realized that I didn’t like when my wife had sex with me because she felt like it was her “wifely duty” and that I much preferred to just give her an orgasm and be left without one myself, than to give her an orgasm and then have her feel like she is obligated to return the favor, even when she would prefer to just roll over and go to sleep.  In the process I also realized that we had been living in a vanilla, but very real Wife Led Marriage.

As my wife came to accept this fact and later embrace her roll as leader of the household we ventured into some kinkier territories.  This was a boon to our sex life, which at that point, after 14 years together, had become pretty routine.  Now it is ANYTHING but routine.  Unfortunately, over the last six months or more it has hardly existed at all.

In the midst of all the kink and hoopla of living a WLM I firmly believed that it was “all for her”.  As my wife and I worked through the many paradoxes of power exchange kink and other issues involved in the WLM we came to understand that while she may be the prime focus it just won’t work unless we are both getting something out of it.  This understanding has led me to where I am today.

Where is that?  Well, it’s led me to feel pretty selfish about a lot of things.  It’s led me to do a lot less for my wife than I have over the past few years.  It’s led me to nearly telling my wife that it just wasn’t working any more.

There is a catch, however.  My wife has made it clear that this is the way things are now.

I have to admit that there are probably two main reasons for my change of attitude.  First would be the lack of sex.  Sexual power exchange is clearly important to me in our WLM and when it’s lacking I feel like something is missing from my life, which I guess it is.

The other reason is that the company my partner and I have been working so hard at becoming self sustaining and profitable requires me to be an Alpha male and it’s hard for me to switch back to a submissive mode when I get home.   Perhaps that works for some high powered executives (if we are to believe the stories) but it doesn’t work to well for me.  Submissive in sex, sure, but it hard to go from running a company and being in charge to scrubbing a kitchen floor and cleaning out the bathroom.

The stress of my wife’s work and the financial stress on both of us also led to my wife being less “dominant” as well, and she recognized this.  But that didn’t mean she doesn’t fully put herself first, unless it is her desire to put me first, which on occasion does happen.  She did try, however.  There have been too many instances where I would catch her saying, “damn, I missed a good opportunity to use my power over you”, or other things of that nature.

The last month or so has been a little different.  She really seems to have stepped it up.  She has been much more demanding of me and has once again used her ability to relax and have me cater to her.  A month or so ago she used me for some hot sex and had multiple orgasms while leaving me wanting.  This past Thursday night she used be for some sex, but kept telling me how she wanted to get a “good, hard fucking”.  She kept teasing me asking if I could do it knowing that I just can’t anymore.  Instead she used my mouth and her dildo to get off.  Eventually she climbed on top of me and verbally teased me until she told me to ask her for permission to cum.  I did and she thought about it before telling me I could (once again waiting nearly 5 weeks between orgasms).

Saturday before I left for work she stopped me and told me I hadn’t sufficiently thanked her my orgasm Thursday night.  She wanted me to give her several more before I left for work to show proper appreciation.  She again reiterated her desire for a “good, hard fucking” and asked me if I could do that for her.  She of course knows the answer and after a few strokes I have to withdraw and orally please her.  She then told me to watch while she brought herself several more orgasms with her toys.  I’m sure she really does want a good hard fuck like I used to give her, but she seems to find it amusing as well that I’ve become a “two pump chump”.  It is a nice erotic humiliation, but frankly I miss the days of feeling like a stud as I would bring my wife multiple orgasms with just my cock.  I think that would take regular masturbation again and since I’ve broken that habit I just don’t really think about it anymore, except the occasions where my wife will tell me to edge myself a few times before bed.  Even then I don’t last very long.  After our Saturday fling she asked me if I thought edging myself a few times that night would improve my stamina for Sunday.  I told her it would likely make no difference at all, and at this point may even decrease my stamina.  She again informed me of her desire to be fucked hard.  All I could offer was to use the dildo on her.  Her reaction could be summed up with, “if that’s what it takes”.

As I left for work I kissed her and thanked her for my orgasm on Thursday.  I also told her it was my seventh for the year.  She gave me her wicked little smile and said I was lucky to have a wife who gave me what I wanted (fewer orgasms).

Yes, it was a “careful what you wish for” moment.  As I’ve said, lately the WLM is not really doing it for me.  Kinky sex?  Sure.  All the rest… hmmm… not so sure any more.  I guess if the kinky sex keeps up it will help me get back into the right frame of mind.  But as I left for work Saturday with an erection that wouldn’t go away I really wanted an orgasm.  I can’t remember the last time I wanted an orgasm more than that.  But my wife left me with the reminder that it would be many weeks before I got another opportunity, and in that time she was planning on having many more herself.

I certainly hope so.

Some Thoughts

Well it’s week seven of chastity/denial.  I seem to have come out on the other side of the subspace that was week five.  I’m feeling mostly “normal” again.  The excitement of breaking my personal best has past and now I’m just looking forward to our little overnight get away coming in a couple of weeks.  There is the promise of an orgasm in my near future, but I won’t hold my breath.  I’m feeling pretty content right now.  We have had some pretty exciting sex over the last several weeks and I know more is in store.  I don’t have to feel anxious about a release as I know one is coming soon and I don’t have that weird “I wish I could wait longer” feeling because I’m feeling pretty good about having gone this long.  I think my wife has also seen how fun this longer term chastity/denial has been and therefore may feel more comfortable about it in the future and that’s an exciting prospect!

I think my edging exercises have been coming along pretty well.  On the one hand I have improved my staying power, but on the other hand it’s still not a very long time.  I’m fairly confident that ‘x’ amount of time masturbating actually will equal a longer amount of time of intercourse.  For one thing I’ve never been one to use lubrication while masturbating, and for another I haven’t really been able to distract myself while masturbating which is something I (as most of us) try to do during intercourse.  Hopefully this theory will hold up (insert sex pun here).

I do feel a little guilty, though.  A few nights ago she forgot to issue me a number of edges and I didn’t remind her.  The reason was that I’d had MASSIVE blue balls for two consecutive days after my edges and was glad to get a break.  I’m not sure how she’d feel about that.  I guess I’ll have to admit it to her this weekend.

One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is my wife’s comment to me about how she doesn’t want to “emasculate” me with things like penis extenders, which I mentioned would help my staying power.  Although we both agreed I don’t need the added size, she still feels like that would emasculate me.  I can understand this, but I’ve been wondering if it’s only the idea of the extender that is the problem and not the end result of hotter sex.  What has led me to wonder this is her enjoyment of keeping me in my device lately while talking about needing a hard cock.  Instead of using me she has used her dildo while I go down on her.  Isn’t that emasculating as well?  I think it’s slightly humiliating in a very sexy way.  I have really gotten off on how she has talked so dirty and sexy about fucking her “hard cock” while I am locked up and providing oral services.  How exactly is this different than my using basically an outer layer of dildo around my cock while I am making love to her?  Perhaps this is a conversation we can return to and she can think about in that context.

I would also like to once again give praise to the awesome service of JT’s Stockroom.  I ordered my wife’s new toys on Sunday which was Valentine’s Day.  Monday was of course a holiday so mail didn’t run.  Despite that I received my order yesterday.  What amazing service!  Thanks, Stockroom!

Money, cuddling, and blue balls.

I recently got a check from my father as a belated birthday gift.  It was very nice of him and a nice amount, $100.  You can do a lot with $100.  Unfortunately, most of the things that it would be best to use it on aren’t very much fun… car payments, mortgage, groceries, tuition…

Seeing as how it was a birthday gift, and I believe gifts should be special treats, I asked my wife if I could use the money on something fun or if it was going towards bills.  “You know the answer to that”, was her reply.  But in a moment of weakness she said she’d think about it.  Later on I suggested that we could take a little bit of the money and buy her a new dildo.  She responded that the one she has is fine and I let it drop.  Eventually she asked me if I had any special wish for the money and I told her that I’d love to buy her a new dildo, but other than that I’d love to buy a new device.  I told her about the cb3k being on sale for only $82 right now and that was basically half price.  She said that seemed expensive, but I pointed out that it was less than $20 more than my current device (which I mis-remembered, the current device was waaay cheaper).  Again she told me she’d think about it.  In the mean time she has gathered up my paycheck, my cash and the birthday check and is set to deposit them.  She was kind enough to leave me a little bit of cash, which she hadn’t been doing for a while (my dole she calls it).

Yesterday afternoon we had a little private time.  Wearing only the device, I got her toys and joined her in bed.  As she used her mini vibe she commented that it would need new batteries.  I asked her if she wanted me to go get them while she played but she told me it was fine for the moment.  While she played she had me warm up her dildo for her.  She seemed to really be enjoying herself, but eventually she just stopped and said she was too distracted.  After that we just cuddled and kissed and it was very nice.  At All Times just posted about cuddling as well mentioning how his wife appreciated the ability to just cuddle and kiss without it having to lead to something else.  My wife told me the same thing at one point as well.  On this occasion we both knew I wasn’t going to get anything any way, so for me it was so nice to just be able to hold her and kiss her even though she wasn’t going to be having orgasms.

While we cuddled we chatted.  I again asked her if she was sure she didn’t want to get a new dildo.  I pointed out that her current one was 17 years old and that it just seemed to be time for a newer model.  She is perfectly content with it, though.  Oh, well.

She asked me how my new edging regiment had been going.  The first two nights she has told me to edge myself five times.  I told her that unfortunately I hadn’t been able to make it to five times yet.  So far I had only been able to make it to three.  She asked me if I was waiting in between and I told her I was, but I am just starting this again and the length of time I needed to wait to edge myself a fourth time was long enough to basically go completely flaccid again.  She asked me why that mattered and I realized we hadn’t really set up any “rules” but I had somehow figured that once I was flaccid my time allowed for masturbation was done.  My wife thought that was a dumb rule.  If she wanted me to edge five times then I had to edge five times, even if I had to wait half an hour between edgings.  She did note that it was clearly difficult for me to do five edgings since we are just starting again and gave me the number three for that night.

With the thought of my less than stellar, under two minutes of endurance, performance recently I decided that it might be a good measure of my improvement to start timing the edgings as well.  Sadly, I haven’t really improved much yet at all.  I went from flaccid to my first edge in less than a minute.  All three edges were done in 2:47, and that’s including waiting 30 seconds between each edge.  Perhaps I should wait five minutes between each edging and start from flaccid each time.  I wonder how much of an effect that would have.

I’m pretty sure the timer had an effect as well.  I’m in such a submissive mind frame right now from the 38 days of chastity that my lack of stamina is a turn on and the thought of not lasting very long got me to the edge even quicker.  That doesn’t really help my wife out, does it?  Oh, well.  I’ll continue to work on this.  You would think suffering from blue balls all the time would be a better motivator.

Trying to figure out this chastity thing

My wife and I had a nice chat last night.  Most of it was about non-arrangement stuff, but still important to our relationship.  As the evening drew to a close, and her bed time drew near I brought up a topic that I have been unsure about lately… chastity.

Well, it wasn’t even that simple.  It was kind of a multifaceted question, maybe not even a question at all.  It was a bit difficult to put into words.  As I stumbled along trying to talk to her about it I realized I likely wasn’t thinking very clearly about it due to the five weeks of chastity that I’m currently at.   Anyway, I think the “question” boiled down to these series of questions.

First, if we could afford to get a long term chastity device, would she want to keep me locked up?  She has never locked me in my device, but has told me to wear it many times.  It became clear shortly after getting my current device that it wouldn’t work as a 24/7 device.  I explained to her that lately I’ve had a great desire to be more securely locked up and that it would be incredibly erotic for her to hold the key.

A possible problem with this scenario is that we have found that a lack of stimulation leads to a lack of performance stamina… I cum too fast when we have sex.  Not too long ago we came up with the idea of nightly forced edgings.  Each night she would give me a number of times I was to edge myself before going to bed.  Somewhere along the line she stopped doing this.  I didn’t want to start asking her because I didn’t want to aggravate her before bed.  And frankly, it made life more difficult, sometimes erotically, sometimes just painfully.  When I was edging myself every night I was generally suffering from blue balls more often, and it made going weeks between orgasms much more difficult.  When I wasn’t masturbating at all the time just seemed to fly by and going four weeks without an orgasm was no big deal.  I actually welcomed the nights where she would give me the number “zero”, meaning I wasn’t allowed to masturbate that night.

So, my the point I was trying to get across to my wife was, “which is it”?  I told her that I love chastity now more than ever, but admitted that it has evolved.  I pointed out that after only having 24 orgasms my first year of chastity I thought it was far too few.  Last year I only had 20 and I think it was far too many.  I told her that this year I think every six weeks would be ideal.  I told her that I would also like to do it locked up.

My wife understood what I was getting at and started working through it.  She enjoys the chastity as well, but it’s never been as important to her as a good fucking.  She thought the required nightly edgings had been working, but somehow at some point had forgotten about it.  She told me that she wanted to start the program back up and if she forgets at night to give me a number I should ask for one.  It might aggravate her a bit, but it’s less aggravating than not being able to fuck her.

I told her I understood, but times like the last time we were intimate were so exciting and erotic.  Unfortunately it was one of those things that is just difficult to explain.  But I liked that I could only fuck her for less than two minutes before having to stop, and that she had orgasms from her vibrator, my mouth and her dildo.  It soooo amazing!

Because of this I brought up other potential methods.  I know she has always had a dislike for condoms, but I thought perhaps it had something to do with oral sex or something like that.  I asked her about it and she flat out said “no” to them.  She actually just doesn’t like how it feels inside her.  She says its just an unpleasant feeling.  I then brought up the penis extenders that we had seen on RWDDH.  I pointed out that they wouldn’t really be about adding size, just decreasing my stimulation.

She told me she didn’t like the idea of a penis extender because it seemed “emasculating”.  I told her I wouldn’t consider it that, I know I have plenty of size.  She told me that frankly one of her favorite things about me since we started going out was that I had a big, hard cock that could give her a thorough fucking.  That was very nice to hear.  I decided to skip the possibility of my using a strap on after hearing that.

So what did that leave us with?  Well, she likes the idea of my not masturbating, unless it’s her who is telling me to masturbate.  She likes my not cumming, but doesn’t like when it interferes with her cumming.  She likes to be fucked by a nice hard cock, but apparently only mine, au natural.  She doesn’t like when I can’t fuck her like she wants to be fucked.

Hmmm… I don’t think we really got anywhere at all.  And looking back she never actually answered the question on whether or not she would actually ever lock me in a device if I had one.  Which was actually kind of my original question.

You know, earlier in the night I had asked her about our upcoming anniversary.  It is our tenth, so a pretty big deal.  I told her that I was really worried about gifts.  I can’t afford an appropriate gift and I wouldn’t want to upset her on such a special day by screwing it up.  She agreed and we decided not to get gifts since we can’t really afford it.

Now I think we should get her a nice new dildo, and me a cb3000 (currently half off at the Stockroom).  Nah.  That’s just the five weeks of chastity talking.

Just a quick note

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I had changed my attitude about expecting sex.  It was still a pretty new idea to me when I posted it, but I have to say that it has had a dramatic effect on my mental stability.  We are in what I would call a “lull”, but really it’s just life.  Colds, kids, work… the typical things.  It’s not lack of interest, just diminished opportunity.  In the past I’m sure I would have lamented this.  Poor me.  Three weeks with barely any intimacy.  But I have to say that I’m doing great.  Would I prefer more intimacy?  Absolutely!  But I no longer expect it, so I’m not disappointed.  There has even been a few times where my wife has told me that she wanted some action but due to whatever reason we couldn’t.  That probably would have really sent me spiraling out of control before.  Now I’m just content to know that what we have is real and sex or no sex doesn’t change that.  She is the boss and that makes us both very happy.

That’s not to say that I’m not horny as hell.  Because I am.  Really.  Really.  Horny.

Last week she did surprise me a bit.  I had gotten up early to do something and she had told me that I could go back to bed for a little nap.  I took her up on that offer.  A few minutes later she was in bed next to me.  I was so close to sleep.  Next I felt her leg across my lap and heard a familiar buzz.  “Good for her” I thought as I was drifting off.

“I want you to lick me”.

So much for telling me to take a nap.

No longer tired I went down on her and brought her to an orgasm.  She told me I could edge myself and I dared ask the question I’ve been wanting to ask for quite a while now, “will you please edge me”?

At first she seemed a little taken aback, but I’m sure she saw the puppy dog eyes I was giving her.  Then she got a wicked look in her own eyes.  I was expecting her to lie next to me and half heartedly masturbate me for a few minutes.  Instead she straddled my legs.  That was a surprise.  Then she leaned over and wrapped her lips around my cock for a moment.  I assumed it was for lubrication.  Then she completely shocked me by giving me a real, honest to goodness blow job.  Well, as much of an honest to goodness blow job as one can get in ten to fifteen seconds.  That’s how long it took to get me to the edge.  I probably could have lasted a few more seconds, but I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to stop her or myself in time.  Hell, I’m probably being generous with thinking it lasted 15 seconds.  All I know is that she had a little chuckle at how quickly I got to the edge, “that didn’t take long”.  She totally got off on her ability to tease me with her mouth for a brief moment knowing I wouldn’t be allowed to cum.  It has been years since she had used her mouth like that and now it is fresh in my mind how amazing it is.  And it is fresh in my mind that I will be lucky to feel it again any time soon.

A new routine

Although I often mention our “talks” about our arrangement, we don’t really discuss it as often as it may appear.  Sure, we can openly talk about it, but it’s not like we do it all the time.  In between, though, when I’m not really sure how to talk about a certain topic, I send out feelers.  I make comments here and there and judge reactions.  I ask certain questions as well.  I need to do this to help figure out what is in my head.  Once I get things figured out enough I can have a conversation about it.

I realised last night that I think my wife is doing the same thing right now.  I think she is making a bit of an aggressive move and is sending out feelers to gauge how I’m dealing with it.  She has made certain comments and asked certain questions.  Nothing too obvious, but it seems to me she is making a mental leap herself and is trying to figure out how it is working in her own mind.

I mentioned in a previous post that she recently used me for oral services while keeping me locked in my device.  It was a fantasy type moment for me and I later told her that.  Since then she has repeated the scene several times.  She also told me during my last release that she found it incredibly sexy to know that my cock is bound while she has amazing orgasms.  She has mentioned it, or made implications about it turning her on a couple of other times as well.  The first time she said it to me I just assumed it was to get the reaction from me that it got, an orgasm.  She had made it clear that she wanted me to cum that night and after her orgasm she doesn’t generally like waiting around for me.  When she really wants me to cum she can generally make it happen pretty quickly.  So, I assumed the comment about how hot she thought me wearing the device while she used me was for effect, not necessarily true.  As I said, though, she has made the same implication a couple of other times.

A couple of nights ago we had a similar oral episode.  She was much more matter of fact about the situation to the point where after I got undressed and asked her if I should get her toys her response could have easily been summed up with, “Duh”.  It is a given at this point (apparently) that I am to bring the toys to bed when she is interested in sex.

As usual she started out with her mini vibe as I lay next to her.  When she was ready she had me go down on her.  After a while, lost in my own little world, I felt her slip in her dildo.  I moved my hand up to use it for her but she pushed it away and told me to “concentrate on my one job”.  I completely lost track of time as I flew through sub space while she writhed in pleasure.  Eventually she pushed me away and came down from her high.  When she could talk she turned to me with a smirk.

“I know you like to quantify everything, but I can’t tell you how many orgasms I just had.  They were continuous most of the time.  They could have been hundreds”.

I’m sure I was shaking visibly as I lay next to her.  I wanted to explode.  I didn’t want the moment to end.  It was the perfect moment where I have the feelings of “all I want to do is cum” and “the last thing in the world I want to do is cum”.  She eventually dismissed me from the room with the duty of edging myself four times before bed.

Last night, about 24 hours later, as we sat watching TV I noticed that my tongue, which had been sore all day, finally felt normal again.  I commented on this to my wife who replied, “Well that’s nothing.  Only 24 hours?”.  I replied that it must be getting used to the workouts.  At this point she tentatively asked me, “Did you have fun last night”?  With that question and some of her comments and implications I believe she really likes what she is doing and is doing it for herself, but wanted to make sure it wasn’t too much for me.  From the beginning she told me that she was a little worried about pushing me to far, something I assured her she couldn’t do.  Not that I can’t be pushed to far, I just know she wouldn’t be interested in any of the things that would be “too far” for me.  Anyway, it seemed pretty clear to me that she wanted to be sure that what she was doing was OK, that it wasn’t too rough on me.  Of course, as I said it is fantasy fodder for me, but it’s nice to know she is concerned.  It’s also nice to know that even though it’s fantasy fodder for me, it clearly something she likes as well, and likes so much that she felt it might be too selfish on her part.  A year and a half ago if i could have constructed a fantasy scene for us to play it would have been this scenario.  In fact, a year and a half ago she asked me to tell her some of my fantasies and I told her this.  I’m sure that knowledge was in her head the first time we did it.  I think she may actually have been surprised at how hot it was for her as well.  I think that’s why she was looking for the reassurance when she asked if it was fun for me too.  When we eventually have our next “talk” I hope she brings this up.  If not maybe I’ll ask her.

Speaking of quantifying…

I’ve been allowed 13 orgasms so far this year and not counting this month there have been 4 months where I was only allowed a single orgasm.  I told this to my wife last night and her response was, “and?”.  I replied, “nothing, just numbers” and stepped away from that land mine.