Selfish and Lazy

I haven’t been posting very much these last few months, but I have been following other blogs and I’ve been commenting more lately.

There has been a conversation conducted through several blogs that I find very interesting.  The conversation started with the idea that the longer we blog the less we post about kinky things.  In my own experience I think I post less about kinky things because what was once kinky (being told to mop the floor, clean the toilet, etc.) become routine after a while.  Sure, when I first started doing it I couldn’t wait to blog about how I mopped the floor and had an erection the entire time thinking about how I was cleaning and my wife was relaxing.

This doesn’t mean I’m unhappy, just that it’s not really news any more.

Lady Grey has taken the conversation to the next level in her latest post and having thought about this for a while I’ve discovered something about myself.  I’m being very lazy.

I know some of the agreements made in our Arrangement are not being lived up to and my wife, being busy with her career and being a mother and a wife, is not enforcing the rules.  I recognize this and I’m OK with it… for now.

Lady Grey points out that the staleness that sets in is mostly the result of the wife being lazy and not changing things up or enforcing the rules.  This is true.  But I am VERY guilty of letting her do this.  Why?  Well, as I said, I’m being lazy.

If I were to point out to her that she is letting me get away with keeping a messier house than she is used to she might make me work harder.  Right now I don’t really want that.  So I’m being lazy AND selfish.  I admit it.

Frankly, hanging out at the pool with the kids is more important to me right now than making sure the house is spotless.  And with the kids out of school keeping the house clean with them in it is nearly impossible.  While I clean one room they are usually destroying another.  The first couple of weeks of summer break nearly gave me a breakdown.  That’s when I just accepted I couldn’t keep up with the work and embraced the laziness.

At some point my wife saw how much stress I was under and made some suggestions as to what might help.  Unfortunately the only thing that seemed to work was to just accept that I was beaten and to not stress out that the house is messy.  My wife told me that I needed to figure something out because that wasn’t really acceptable.  My reaction to this is to get her to the pool with us as often as possible, preferably with a margarita in her hand.  If she isn’t in the house she doesn’t have to see it’s messy.

Too soon the pool will be closed, but with that the children will be back in school.  Then my wife and I can have one of our chats about our arrangement and we can get back on track.

Until then I’m going to be lazy and selfish.  I’m going to enjoy playing computer games at night instead of mopping the kitchen floor.  I’m going to enjoy watching cartoons with the kids.  I’m going to enjoy hanging out with friends and family at the pool.  I’m going to enjoy my wife sending me to the bar to get her drinks in front of our friends.  I’m going to enjoy the chastity and orgasm control she has over me.  I’m going to enjoy the knowledge that I’ve only had seven orgasms this year.  I’m going to enjoy giving her countless orgasms whenever she wants….

Whoa!

There I go getting kinky again!

Yeah.  I’m just selfish and lazy.  But the summer is halfway over.

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Took a little break

Sorry for the absence.  I needed some time off.

The past few months have been incredibly stressful and to be honest I don’t think my relationship with my wife was ever on rockier ground.  In the fantasy land of FLR it may be sexy when your wife berates you about money problems but in reality it sucks.  Not only that but she has always been supportive of the projects my partner and I work on and out of nowhere she seemed to turn against this pursuit of a dream career and blame financial woes on it.

These weren’t the only problems.  I had issues of my own.  I started having insecurity issues that I have never felt before.  One afternoon as we lay in bed together kissing she basically turned cold and turned and gave me an “it’s not you , it’s me” about not being interested in sex.  Normally that wouldn’t have been a problem.  I understand this about her.  We’ve discussed her libido together.  Not a big deal.  Only it was.  I told her that it felt like I was the problem because if we are in bed together, naked, kissing, she should be aroused by me, so it felt like I was the problem.

I know it wasn’t very nice, and I wasn’t trying to be mean.  She didn’t get angry with me for saying it because she could see how hurt I felt.  Nonetheless it clearly wasn’t “all for her”.

There were other issues as well (I really could write a big long post about it but I don’t want to be too negative) and adding it all up I just decided to let go of the WLM thing for a bit.  That didn’t mean that I started jerking off every day and stopped cleaning the house.  As a matter of fact, to an outsider things might not have seemed very different at all.  The only obvious sign was that I stopped kneeling at bed time when I brought her glass of water and medicine.  I think she took a break as well as she mostly stopped asking me to get things for her.  So, the framework stayed in place but we both just seemed to take a break from the obvious catering duties.

During this break I basically lost all sense of submissiveness and started wondering if it was all over.  Actually, at one point I was pretty convinced it was all over.  It is funny to think back a few weeks debating whether or not to masturbate to orgasm just to prove to myself it was all over.  Of course I didn’t, but at the time it didn’t prove anything to me.  Obviously if I’m not going to masturbate than it isn’t all over, but I couldn’t tell at the time.

Also during this break I stopped wearing my cock ring and/or device.  These are things I just like the feel of and so often wear them.  But I had absolutely no desire to.  That is until a few days ago.  This past weekend I decided to wear my cock ring to work like I usually do but haven’t been.  It felt so nice I decided to wear the device one day.  I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it, I was just going to wear it.  It felt so wonderful I slept with it on.  I know my wife saw it as I slept in and she got up, it’s pretty difficult not to notice through boxer briefs.  She didn’t say anything about it but that day it felt like we were connecting better.

Yesterday I decided to attempt to rekindle a “working” WLM.  After a shower I asked my wife if she wanted to fool around.  She was indeed up for some fun and was quickly undressed.  I stripped down to just the device and got into bed with her toys.  Seeing me in the device she commented, “I see you are in the giving mood today”.  I agreed that I was, but actually started regretting it.  I couldn’t remember how long it had been since my last orgasm, which was also the last time we had sex.  That, unfortunately, was on of the things I quit doing for a while.  Although I never started masturbating I had quit paying attention to my orgasms, or lack there of.

Anyway, after bringing her to her first orgasm she pushed me off to the side as she reached for her dildo.  I then asked if it was too late to change my mind and I was informed that it was.  Instead I was allowed to lick her while she got her fill of the dildo.

I was incredibly horny and shaking with lust.  I don’t remember it ever feeling so frustrating before.  In the past I have been so focused on chastity and orgasm denial that I usually wanted to be made to wait.  This was the first time in I don’t know how long that I just wanted to have an orgasm.

After she had her share of orgasms we lay quietly together.  I asked her if I could be allowed to masturbate a little.  I could not.  I then asked her if it would be OK if I took off the device.  Again I could not.  I guess I pouted a little and that is when she told me, “Don’t pout.  You wanted me to have a bunch of orgasms and I did and it made you happy.  You enjoy making me cum while you are denied”.  She wasn’t bitchy about it, just matter of fact.  And it is true.  Like I said I don’t remember it ever feeling so frustrating, but it is what I like and I’m glad she didn’t just cave and let me do what I wanted.  She took control and enjoyed herself knowing that I enjoy giving her pleasure, and that I also enjoy feeling controlled.

Hopefully this will help get us back on track.  Of course I forgot to set up her coffee last night.  Through our little hiatus I never forgot that.  Get me high on endorphins and BOOM, I forget the most basic things.

Oh, and by the way, I did actually mark down the last time I orgasmed.  I went to check and was surprised to see that I had recorded it.  It has been four weeks.  Thought you’d like to know.

Some Thoughts

Well it’s week seven of chastity/denial.  I seem to have come out on the other side of the subspace that was week five.  I’m feeling mostly “normal” again.  The excitement of breaking my personal best has past and now I’m just looking forward to our little overnight get away coming in a couple of weeks.  There is the promise of an orgasm in my near future, but I won’t hold my breath.  I’m feeling pretty content right now.  We have had some pretty exciting sex over the last several weeks and I know more is in store.  I don’t have to feel anxious about a release as I know one is coming soon and I don’t have that weird “I wish I could wait longer” feeling because I’m feeling pretty good about having gone this long.  I think my wife has also seen how fun this longer term chastity/denial has been and therefore may feel more comfortable about it in the future and that’s an exciting prospect!

I think my edging exercises have been coming along pretty well.  On the one hand I have improved my staying power, but on the other hand it’s still not a very long time.  I’m fairly confident that ‘x’ amount of time masturbating actually will equal a longer amount of time of intercourse.  For one thing I’ve never been one to use lubrication while masturbating, and for another I haven’t really been able to distract myself while masturbating which is something I (as most of us) try to do during intercourse.  Hopefully this theory will hold up (insert sex pun here).

I do feel a little guilty, though.  A few nights ago she forgot to issue me a number of edges and I didn’t remind her.  The reason was that I’d had MASSIVE blue balls for two consecutive days after my edges and was glad to get a break.  I’m not sure how she’d feel about that.  I guess I’ll have to admit it to her this weekend.

One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is my wife’s comment to me about how she doesn’t want to “emasculate” me with things like penis extenders, which I mentioned would help my staying power.  Although we both agreed I don’t need the added size, she still feels like that would emasculate me.  I can understand this, but I’ve been wondering if it’s only the idea of the extender that is the problem and not the end result of hotter sex.  What has led me to wonder this is her enjoyment of keeping me in my device lately while talking about needing a hard cock.  Instead of using me she has used her dildo while I go down on her.  Isn’t that emasculating as well?  I think it’s slightly humiliating in a very sexy way.  I have really gotten off on how she has talked so dirty and sexy about fucking her “hard cock” while I am locked up and providing oral services.  How exactly is this different than my using basically an outer layer of dildo around my cock while I am making love to her?  Perhaps this is a conversation we can return to and she can think about in that context.

I would also like to once again give praise to the awesome service of JT’s Stockroom.  I ordered my wife’s new toys on Sunday which was Valentine’s Day.  Monday was of course a holiday so mail didn’t run.  Despite that I received my order yesterday.  What amazing service!  Thanks, Stockroom!

Money, cuddling, and blue balls.

I recently got a check from my father as a belated birthday gift.  It was very nice of him and a nice amount, $100.  You can do a lot with $100.  Unfortunately, most of the things that it would be best to use it on aren’t very much fun… car payments, mortgage, groceries, tuition…

Seeing as how it was a birthday gift, and I believe gifts should be special treats, I asked my wife if I could use the money on something fun or if it was going towards bills.  “You know the answer to that”, was her reply.  But in a moment of weakness she said she’d think about it.  Later on I suggested that we could take a little bit of the money and buy her a new dildo.  She responded that the one she has is fine and I let it drop.  Eventually she asked me if I had any special wish for the money and I told her that I’d love to buy her a new dildo, but other than that I’d love to buy a new device.  I told her about the cb3k being on sale for only $82 right now and that was basically half price.  She said that seemed expensive, but I pointed out that it was less than $20 more than my current device (which I mis-remembered, the current device was waaay cheaper).  Again she told me she’d think about it.  In the mean time she has gathered up my paycheck, my cash and the birthday check and is set to deposit them.  She was kind enough to leave me a little bit of cash, which she hadn’t been doing for a while (my dole she calls it).

Yesterday afternoon we had a little private time.  Wearing only the device, I got her toys and joined her in bed.  As she used her mini vibe she commented that it would need new batteries.  I asked her if she wanted me to go get them while she played but she told me it was fine for the moment.  While she played she had me warm up her dildo for her.  She seemed to really be enjoying herself, but eventually she just stopped and said she was too distracted.  After that we just cuddled and kissed and it was very nice.  At All Times just posted about cuddling as well mentioning how his wife appreciated the ability to just cuddle and kiss without it having to lead to something else.  My wife told me the same thing at one point as well.  On this occasion we both knew I wasn’t going to get anything any way, so for me it was so nice to just be able to hold her and kiss her even though she wasn’t going to be having orgasms.

While we cuddled we chatted.  I again asked her if she was sure she didn’t want to get a new dildo.  I pointed out that her current one was 17 years old and that it just seemed to be time for a newer model.  She is perfectly content with it, though.  Oh, well.

She asked me how my new edging regiment had been going.  The first two nights she has told me to edge myself five times.  I told her that unfortunately I hadn’t been able to make it to five times yet.  So far I had only been able to make it to three.  She asked me if I was waiting in between and I told her I was, but I am just starting this again and the length of time I needed to wait to edge myself a fourth time was long enough to basically go completely flaccid again.  She asked me why that mattered and I realized we hadn’t really set up any “rules” but I had somehow figured that once I was flaccid my time allowed for masturbation was done.  My wife thought that was a dumb rule.  If she wanted me to edge five times then I had to edge five times, even if I had to wait half an hour between edgings.  She did note that it was clearly difficult for me to do five edgings since we are just starting again and gave me the number three for that night.

With the thought of my less than stellar, under two minutes of endurance, performance recently I decided that it might be a good measure of my improvement to start timing the edgings as well.  Sadly, I haven’t really improved much yet at all.  I went from flaccid to my first edge in less than a minute.  All three edges were done in 2:47, and that’s including waiting 30 seconds between each edge.  Perhaps I should wait five minutes between each edging and start from flaccid each time.  I wonder how much of an effect that would have.

I’m pretty sure the timer had an effect as well.  I’m in such a submissive mind frame right now from the 38 days of chastity that my lack of stamina is a turn on and the thought of not lasting very long got me to the edge even quicker.  That doesn’t really help my wife out, does it?  Oh, well.  I’ll continue to work on this.  You would think suffering from blue balls all the time would be a better motivator.

A Rough December

It’s been a rough month… more actually.  It really started a few weeks before Thanksgiving when our oven died.  That in itself wasn’t horrible, but since then things kept piling up until about 12 days before Christmas.  The day of my work Christmas party our kids were sick on top of all the other stress that had been building up and my wife had reached her breaking point and took it out on me.

She basically felt completely frustrated and alone and in the moment felt like our Arrangement was part of the problem.  She felt that because she was supposed to lead that I didn’t have to deal with all the stress an didn’t do anything unless specifically told to do something by her.  I acknowledged her hurt feelings and let her continue.  She then started into the sources of our stress and how she felt that I hadn’t done anything about any of it and explained all the things that she had done.

I began to feel hurt and angry.  She couldn’t see how much this stress was hurting me as well.  Instead of snapping at her I told her that she had a right to feel the way she did, but then gave her a different perspective.  I started with the oven.  Our old oven was small and wall mounted.  We also had an old, dying stove top.  When the oven died I suggested getting a range to replace the oven and stove top.  To do this I would have to do some work in the kitchen.  My wife ended up disagreeing because she didn’t have faith that I would follow through with the plans.  Instead she just wanted to update and replace what we had… until a salesman essentially advised that we do what I had initially suggested (without knowing I had already suggested it).  With that my wife changed her mind and we bought the range.

With my wife feeling stressed and depressed, however, she remembered it differently.  In her mind I hadn’t done anything until she decided to buy a range, order it and give me a deadline to have the demolition and other work done.  I gently reminded her of this pointing out that it wasn’t that I hadn’t done anything, it had just taken her some time to agree to what I had initially suggested and that I had done everything I had said I would do.  The project isn’t over by any means.  We had agreed that this would be just the start of a kitchen remodel that may take a year or two (since we don’t have the money to do it all at once).

Once she realized that I was right she relaxed a little, but I could tell she was now starting to feel guilty and that wouldn’t help anything.  I also gave her a different perspective on some of the other issues that had been causing us stress and then suggested what the real problem was.  I pointed out the problem wasn’t that she was “in charge”, or that I was “lazy” or any of those things.  The problem was that these issues were piling up and we were both very busy before Christmas and had no time at all to commiserate and deal with what was happening together.  She felt like she was dealing with it alone because she was dealing with it alone, or nearly.  I was dealing with it alone as well.  Hell, I was at work when I got the news that our son required a surgical procedure to correct his vision.  All I wanted at that moment was to be with my family, but I had to work.  In all the stress, and grief and depression my wife only remembered that I wasn’t there.  She didn’t remember why I wasn’t there.  That was secondary to her feeling alone to deal with the news.

When it was all said and done we both felt much better.  It was clear that my wife was relieved.  It also served to reinforce the idea that she doesn’t “lead” because of our Arrangement, but we came up with the Arrangement because for better or worse, the final decision is always hers.  It may sometimes feel like extra stress, but probably is no more stressful than when I make a decision for her and she has to second guess it and often disagree with it (at least initially).

Since that conversation things have been wonderful.  We still have all of the stress to deal with, but she knows she isn’t alone in it.  As a matter of fact she has relaxed enough to the point where her sex drive seems to have kicked in to overdrive.  This hasn’t exactly turned into more sex for me, unless you count cleaning her toys as sex… which I don’t.  Not that I’m complaining.  I enjoyed being in my device all day yesterday while she spent an hour in the afternoon by herself just “messing around”.  When she was done she joined me in the family room and hugged me, then cupped my caged cock while looking deep into my eyes.  It was a wonderful moment of power exchange.  Later that night, as she went to bed, I asked if I might be allowed to fool around a bit as well.  She replied, “Just for a minute… I don’t want you getting carried away”.

Having been allowed to orgasm Christmas day I would guess I’m done for the year bringing me to a total of 20 orgasms.  Four less than last year.  Oddly, at this point last year I felt like I wanted more orgasms.  24 seemed too few.  This time I feel like 20 was too many.  Next year I would love to wait six weeks between releases.  I think that would be HOT!!!

Sometimes vanilla IS kinky!

Well, it ended up being a pretty great weekend.  Of course, it was nothing like I imagined, which it never is.  I said at the end of my last post, “I’m really having a hard time keeping my mind from thinking about all sorts of deviant things, lol.  Oh, the possibilities!”.  Of course this was after explaining that I now understand that it’s best to try not to expect anything, that way you are less likely to be disappointed.  Well, I wasn’t disappointed, even if it would have been fun to do all the deviant things I was fantasizing about.

It turned out to be fairly vanilla, well aside from being told to clean the master suite so that it “felt like a hotel room”, and the pre-party orally induced orgasm my wife enjoyed while I remained in the device.  The device remained off the rest of the weekend, although the cock ring stayed on most of the time.

We had a good time at the party and got to know some new friends a little better.  I guess it’s not completely uncommon, but I was actually a bit surprised to see the two other husbands in our little circle we had formed serving their wives.  I usually don’t see too much of that at the few parties or events we attend.  We all sat around a table, but whenever a wife needed a drink the husband got up and got it.  Did a wife want something else?  Her husband attended to it.  It was nice to see.  I’m not implying this means anything, other than the husbands aren’t jerks.

Eventually we left and headed home.  Her toys had been left on my pillow, but as she had told me earlier in the evening while I went down on her, she would not be needing the dildo that night.  She told me she needed a “good, long, hard fucking”.  She did use her vibe a bit to get warmed up, then had me go down on her again for another orgasm.  Finally she told me she wanted me inside her and it was just good old fashioned sex.  It honestly was very much like the sex we used to have years ago.  I held her in the same ways and made the same moves.  After she came she told me I was allowed to cum and soon did.

The next morning we did something we haven’t been able to do for a long time.  We slept in and woke up and had morning sex.  It was very much like the night before, old fashioned sex.  The same pattern we’d had for years.  I go down on her, then we have sex, then she cums, and just like old times, she allowed me to orgasm again.

WOW!

I hadn’t had two orgasms in consecutive days since… when did I say I started doing this?  It was incredible!  As I lay next to her all I could think was, man, I could enjoy that feeling every day!  I mean, I used to enjoy that feeling multiple times a day!  I mean… Oh… My… God!  What have I done?

It was actually a very enjoyable self inflicted (well, I guess her telling me to cum a second time really induced it) mind fuck.  Yes, I thought about how insane it was to not cum whenever I wanted, but I’m not about to stop what we are doing.  I also know it’s a lot of fun to NOT cum.  Especially for weeks.  You can’t not cum for weeks if you are cumming all the time.

While sitting and watching football last night my wife asked me if I had fun over the weekend.  I assured her I did.  I appreciate that sometimes she just wants to get laid.  I don’t have any problems with that.  I’m sure she was a little worried that I’d be disappointed because she didn’t get all “domme-y” and keep me locked up while she used the dildo.  What is more important to me is that she gets what she wants.  Sometimes she wants it kinkier than other times, and that is great.  This time she wanted it in a very vanilla way.  What’s great about that is that it is so rare for us that it was exciting!  I’m sure she isn’t about to start letting me cum every day, so having that happen in a way could be considered incredibly kinky.  We were doing something “outside the norm”.

As a matter of fact it will probably be a lot more difficult these coming weeks as the memory of how amazing it is to have orgasms only hours apart.  Although I felt incredibly wiped out all yesterday, today I’m horny as hell and ready for more!

Wanting somebody else to know

I’ve often thought about letting a friend or two of ours know about our arrangement.  Frankly it’s been on my mind a lot lately.  There is one friend of ours that I’m sure could handle it, and probably would love the idea.  I’ve brought it up with my wife in the past and she agreed that if we told anyone it would be this one person.  The last time we talked about it, though, she just didn’t feel the need to let anyone know.

I keep wresting with the idea because it probably isn’t  the smartest thing in the world to do.  And yet I really want somebody to know.  Part of it is probably just a further desire for more kink.  If person X, the person my wife and I agree would be the first to know, knew would she expect me to wait on her when she visits?  Would she treat me differently?  Probably not, but in the fantasy world it’s exciting to think about.  I’m not talking about sex or anything either.  I’m talking about her sitting with my wife and asking me to get her more coffee.  Sure, it’s fantasy fodder, but it’s not the only reason I want to let somebody know.

I also want people to know because I’m proud of our arrangement.  If person X knew shew would undoubtedly be very excited for my wife and want to know all the details.  She may very well even be envious.  We are both fairly sure she wouldn’t be repulsed by it… she’s not the most vanilla person in the world by any means.  If X knew then my wife could talk freely with her about our arrangement.  Would my wife want to?  Although she says she doesn’t need somebody to talk to about it, she often tells people everything short of the “kink factors”.  She loves to tell people that I’m her stay-at-home husband.  While other women she works with will complain their husbands don’t cook or clean she loves to tell them what I’m making for dinner (or recently made) and what cleaning job I’m likely doing at the time.  Of course, many of these people try to make me feel better and tell me how they know “another at home dad” and how “he’s OK with it” too, assuming that I’m ashamed of my status but probably shouldn’t be too much.

Then again, just telling plain old anybody could be very dangerous.  Person X is like family to both of us, but as for other close friends, well, anything can happen.  Misunderstandings lead to complete fall outs all too often.  One tiny tiff could turn into a free-for-all that leads to exaggerated emails to my wife’s boss and co-workers about how she is a dominatrix or some other crazy stunts.

I suppose we could always search the internet to find like minded couples in the area, but that doesn’t really satisfy the desire for a friend to know.  I don’t particularly want to make new friends just so we can know somebody who knows about our arrangement.  It might be cool to know somebody else locally in a similar arrangement, but I think it would probably lead to a stronger desire to let a friend know.

I realise the smart move is probably to just keep it to ourselves.  But in a few weeks Person X will be in town visiting.  It would be great if she knew.  But she won’t know.  She’ll just know that I’m a very awesome husband who is lucky to have a very awesome wife.  But she already knows that.