And… back…

And hello again.

Well, the wife decided, way back when, that the arrangement had lost pace with our life.  She was tired of making all the decisions (without denying she enjoyed final call and decisions made) and just needed me to be more of a leader in life and in bed.  The timing was right.  I also felt we needed a change and frankly a change for the “normal”, if there is such a thing.

This didn’t mean everything changed.  Far from it.  But we mostly got rid of the kink in and out of the bedroom.  I made decisions on things that I knew I could do without having to check with her and made them.  I made strong suggestions on other issues I felt needed to be changed but I knew she wouldn’t go along with without her consideration.

All in all we mostly went back to our old lifestyle, save that she still wanted to be catered to often.  If we were sitting watching TV I still got the, “I’d like another glass of wine”, etc.  If coffee wasn’t made I’d not get scolded, but I’d be reminded that I didn’t make coffee and that it was a rough morning because I didn’t make it.

On the other hand we actually had a far rougher time of it in the long run than what had probably initiated the break.  Things went south fast and in hindsight the arrangement was probably destined to be forgotten anyway.

But, as rough as things are now, and they continue to be rough, my wife seems to be leaning more towards our old arrangement.  I’m not going to presume anything, but I think she misses some of the kinkiness, as do I.

We’ve been a little kinkier in the bedroom lately and I’ve finally had some more submissive feelings come to the forefront again, and frankly that has been missing for a long time.

Like my wife (presumably) I wouldn’t want to jump back into our old arrangement.  It’s dated and I don’t think would work for where we are now.

There are a lot of variables that I haven’t gotten into, but I just wanted to be able to post again.  I’ve really missed it.

Anyway, I think if this takes off again it will be with a new mindset.  We will be looking at the whole thing from a different point of view.  It doesn’t make it better or worse, but it will be new and different, while being comfortably the same.  I mean, we will probably do many of the same things, but we will be doing them from a different mental standpoint.  The reasons behind doing the things we may do will not be exactly the same as why we did them before.  And I think that will be fun and exciting.  I look forward to the possibilities.

I think it will be less “kink” oriented, and more “comfort” oriented, and by that I mean comfort for both of us, her looking out for me as much as I look out for her. 

Hopefully I’ll be blogging again soon.

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And yet another paradox

I’ve been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now.  They have become worse over the last year and I often have panic attacks while driving.  This is no surprise really, as I’ve had nightmares about car accidents since childhood and I’m also afraid of heights, so a highway overpass can almost shut me down completely.

Because of this I’ve been taking a low dose of Xanax for the past year.  I’d rather not take meds, but because I can’t predict when a panic attack will hit I take a regular dose every day.

I think my wife didn’t really appreciate the severity of a bad attack until she recently witnessed one.  She was a little shaken by how it could completely shut me down (curl up in a ball on the bed for an hour not moving).

Anyway, it appears that she thinks long term orgasm denial may not be helping the situation.  About a month ago she let on to this and told me she was thinking of a new plan.  That night she let me have a release even though we both felt it was a little soon.  Since then it seems to be on a two week basis.

Sunday night she was up late, very tired and a little intoxicated.  Although I’d been hoping to mess around a little I assumed she was headed straight for bed.  As usual I brought her her medicine and a glass of water after she was comfortably in bed.  She surprised me by asking if I’d also brought my “big cock”.

I had.

She played with her mini vibe for a while but it was becoming apparent to me that she’d had to much to drink to reach orgasm.  In our 19 years together I’ve learned to read these things, as you can imagine.  I’ve learned to tell the real thing (which you just can’t fake) from her just trying to get me off.

This is part of what led to our arrangement in the first place.  I didn’t like the idea of her having sex with me because she felt it was her “wifely duty”.

After some time with her vibe, an amount of time that usually would bring multiple orgasms (maybe it brought one), she had me enter her.  It became readily apparent that she wasn’t really getting off and was making lots of sexy moans and groans and comments about my size and how good I felt inside her.  These are the old tactics she used when she wanted to make me cum quickly.

So I was torn.  We were back to square one.  Or are we?

It’s an aspect of our relationship that I didn’t like in the past, but this time it’s different.  She was in control.  She had an agenda.  It had been two weeks since my last orgasm and she wanted to make sure I had another that night.  Regardless of her own enjoyment she took control and had me make love to her and brought me to an orgasm, an orgasm she wanted to make sure I had.

So it’s clearly orgasm control… Right?

I’m not going to think about it too much right now.  I know she’s also fully aware of the lack of intimacy that happened last year and she wants to make sure we don’t let that happen again.  But it’s strange to think that we’ve come full circle, except this time in a different context.

Looks like it’s time for another talk.  I’d like to hear her express her ideas fully and perhaps we can come up with some more options.  If she had ordered me to masturbate to orgasm it wouldn’t have felt so backwards.  I really had mixed emotions over the whole thing.  Clearly the idea of her still being in control of my orgasm won the day, and I once I realized there was no way I was going to make her orgasm first I did my best to “get it over with” for her (although to be honest I contemplated topping from the bottom and trying to draw it out to the point she just couldn’t go on and would give me the double tap letting me know it was over, but I didn’t).

So I guess that’s where we stand right now.  Imperfect, but her choice, so I’ll go with it.  Time will tell how it will work out.

Another year…

So it’s a new year.

Last year was very difficult, but we got everything straightened out in our relationship and ended on a high note.  I ended the year with only 15 orgasms, which you think would be a good thing as I had suggested at the beginning of last year that perhaps I should be limited to 16 for the year, but, as I have previously said it was for all the wrong reasons.

Since our last talk my wife has become more aware of our intimate times and has made sure that even if she is “too tired” or “not in the mood” she makes herself available to intimacy in some way.  Maybe it’s cuddling time or just making sure to let me know that she is looking forward to the next time we are able to be intimate.  This has been very reassuring and has really helped put us on better ground relationship-wise.

I seem to have lost some of my submissive drive again, which does seem to ebb and flow, but I haven’t lost the desire for our dynamic, which is fortunate since my wife has made it clear that she prefers our arrangement and wants to keep it this way.  When we are in bed it’s easy to slip into the submissive mode, but other than that I’ve had to take a little more of a leadership role in the relationship and I think this was needed to help my wife out with day to day things.

This year has started pretty well.  Although money is still tight I’ve gotten some good news on the side business front and there is the potential for some extra cash to be coming in, but more importantly more doors have been opened for future business and possible investments in this side work (hopefully to become the new career).

Things have also improved on the Arrangement front.  My wife has made sure to keep me on my toes (although probably less than at our peak, but we are taking small steps).  I’ve been allowed one orgasm so far this year, but opportunities for sex have been rare (no fault of our own).

We did have a very exciting birthday night for me.  My wife summoned me to the bed room where she had been playing with her vibrator and had just brought herself to an orgasm.  I quickly stripped and joined her in bed.  We made out like teenagers for a bit before she told me she wanted me inside her.  I was a little slow to get an erection so she did something she hadn’t done in… I don’t know… seemingly forever.  She gave me oral sex for a good 30 seconds or so before I had to pull out of her mouth lest I go too far.

That was pretty amazing and I let her know it.  She found it amusing that I couldn’t last that long and teased me about it and about how rare it was that I would get more oral from her.  After composing myself I entered her and she encouraged me to some pretty hard screwing until I again needed a break.  She had me hold still inside her as she again used her vibrator to bring herself to several more orgasms.  She was so loud I worried she’d wake the kids.  She again teased me about how many orgasms she was having and asked if I could feel it (which I could).

She then pulled the old, “do you want to cum”?  Before I could answer she continued, “I know you do, don’t you…”.  As I groaned in response she followed with, “but you don’t want to either.  I know you want both and can’t decide, can you”.  I made some kind of affirmative grunt and she told me that she would have more fun if I had to wait.  She laughed and teased a bit more as I made a few more thrusts before having to pull out being so close to the edge.  I held her close as I trembled in the sub zone.

“Maybe we can have more fun tomorrow night.  Maybe you can fuck me with the big dildo.  Won’t that be fun”?

Again I grunted some kind of affirmative answer as I trembled and thanked her and told her how wonderful she was and how kind she was to me.

“Kind?  I think having so many orgasms and bringing you to the edge and not letting you cum is pretty mean, and I like that”.

Uggghhhh!  Heaven.

Perhaps I should be wearing the device today.  I haven’t done that in a while.

First “Arrangement Talk” in a long time

Well, we had our first talk in a long time last night about the arrangement.

It had been a long rough day, and my wife had earlier been informed of a loss in the family, so I had planned on putting it off.  My wife, however knows me well and could tell I wanted to talk.  I tried to beg off, but she sat down and told me to get whatever it was off my chest.

I stumbled a bit at first trying to set it up and put it in perspective and she told me to basically spit it out.  So I did.  I told her that I got her message of her opinion of my “cumming too much” and “it’s not always about the sex”.  I then gave her the statistics.  I could see the stunned look in her eyes as she took it in and sat quietly for a moment before responding, “those are some sad stats”.  She got it.  But as it all set in she got a bit defensive and tried to rationalize it all.  I told her that she was right on all counts and justified in her beliefs that she is the prime bread winner, the runner of the household, etc. and the high stress.

I explained that all this was true, but it has been true for years now.  The main difference that stands out, though is the correlation between the high feelings of stress we both feel and the problems with anxiety I’ve been dealing with over the last year.  I pointed out a lot of things she already knows, like how sex releases all those feel good chemicals that help with these things, and if we have only been intimate 19 times this year as opposed to, let’s say roughly 60-70 last year and 140-ish the previous year, then it seems like the lack of intimacy could be a main culprit in our problems.

I also explained how I saw the arrangement as adding to the stress so stepped back a bit from it while she saw my pulling back as adding to the stress of the arrangement.  I told her that arrangement or not, the lack of intimacy would cause the disconnect in any relationship and if ending our arrangement would help then so be it, because the only important thing to me was the health of our relationship.

At one point she broke down and cried and I comforted her.  She asked what I thought needed to happen to fix things.  I explained how she told me in the past (and from what I understand is a familiar feeling in many women) that often she wouldn’t be in the mood initially, but once we started she would warm up to it and usually ended up having her best orgasms.  She agreed with that.  I then said that perhaps we had to go back to an old fashioned (for us and many others I’m sure) scheduled night of sex.  Sunday night will be “sex night”.  We’ll take it from there.  It doesn’t have to be only Sunday, but hopefully having sex regularly will help her to remember how GOOD sex is.

She realized that she had taken the “all about her” aspect to the extreme and that I clearly needed attention as well and saw that her extreme view was also detrimental to her.

As I put her to bed I told her that I was fine if we needed to stop the arrangement and start fresh.  She was dead set against that.  “Nothing is over”, she informed me.  “The arrangement stays”!

It was rough, but we never should have let it get that bad.  I think things will turn around from here.

Frustration, and not the fun kind

Last night as my wife set off for bed she asked me for a back rub.  This often, not always, but often, leads to other things.  Seeing as she seems to have sparked renewed attention to our arrangement and that she knows how I have been on edge since our last intimate encounter I was hoping for something more than the back rub.

She laid on her stomach and I straddled her to give her the back rub.  When she was satisfied I rolled off to the side (quite worked up).  I gently caressed her and planted small kisses on her shoulder.  She turned to me and said, “this isn’t always about sex”.

Huh.

She mentioned that the other day as well.  She must think we are having an awful lot of sex.

The problem is, from my point of view, this year it has always been NOT about sex.  We have been intimate a mere 19 times since January 1.  This has been a large factor in my stepping back from the arrangement.  This isn’t a pleasant teasing denial.  This is disregard.  There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because there is no rainbow.  It’s just gray and dreary out.  Over the year I stopped holding out hope that things would change.  A few years back we were intimate 2-3 times a week.  Last year 3-5 times a month.  Now we are intimate once every 5-7 weeks.  Fourteen of our 19 encounters ended with me being allowed to orgasm.  It’s like we’ve moved from chastity for me to celibacy for us.

So last night I felt a great frustration.  Not the pleasant frustration of being allowed to give and not receive, just the frustration of realizing my wife and I are clearly not on the same page right now.  This lack of intimacy is brutal.

Being set straight

It’s been a long time since the last post.

As the title of the post announced, break time was over… or was it?

The stress and strain of real life continued and although I kept up with a lot of our arrangement rules I felt that I should let up a little as I felt that the arrangement only added to the stress on my wife.  It wasn’t entirely gone, but it seemed to be pushed to the back burner.

Yesterday i was informed that I was severely mistaken.

I asked if my wife would like some “us” time yesterday as the kids watched a movie.  I showered and waited for my wife.  I brought out the toys and put on my cock ring.  When my wife was ready she had me go down on her.  After her first orgasm she took a break and I told her I had put fresh batteries in her vibe.

“Good”, she replied.

She then brought herself to another orgasm with the vibe.

After that I asked if she wanted the Purple Monster.  She did.  She slid it all the way in.  My God that thing is huge.  She took it all with pleasure.  She told me to show her my cock so I got on my knees near her head and presented myself.  She then did what I had fantasized about for years.  She slowly stroked me to the edge while bringing herself to another orgasm.  As I shuddered in agony/ecstasy she told me to slowly fuck her with the dildo.

After several orgasms I asked if I enter her.  She let me and I lasted a few minutes before having to pull out.  She used the vibe a little longer and got herself off a few more times.  She then allowed me to masturbate for a few minutes.

While I masturbated she let me know she was disappointed in my service.  Not only that, but disappointed that I had apparently given up on the arrangement.

That is how deep we are into the arrangement.  Things that were once special are now normal, so to say that I had given up on it means that she expects more.

To be honest, though, I had let things go a bit.  As I said I felt like it was added stress to my wife’s life and also I was just feeling selfish and lazy.

My wife cleared this all up and told me how I have been disappointing her by not catering to her needs more.  In her times of stress with work and life I should be offering myself to her more, not less.  I should be asking how I can help her more and not relying on her asking me to do/get things for her.  I should be anticipating her needs and finding ways to surprise her or finding ways to please her.

Duh.  I can be very ignorant at times.  And selfish.  And lazy.

She continued on to tell me that she has seen a drop off  in service between orgasms and that I she thinks she has let me cum too often.

This is where this blog is going to start sounding like fantasy fodder.

Really?  I cum too often?  I’ve had 14 orgasms this year and one of those wasn’t really an orgasm, just an ejaculation.  I think this may be where she thinks I cum too often.  A few weeks ago while we made love she told me I could cum.  I felt the build up and told her I was going to cum and right before orgasm I told her it was gone.  I was baffled.  I didn’t know what had happened.  I told her I didn’t cum and she told me I had.  I pulled out and it was obvious I had ejaculated.  If it wasn’t for my obvious worry she probably wouldn’t have believed me.  It had been six weeks since my previous release.  To make up for it she let me orgasm a week later and asked, “was that  better”?

Anyway, I asked her what letting me cum too much meant (I’m guessing I’m done for the year) and she listed all the things she expects from me, including the fact that I missed our 4 year arrangement anniversary.

Aaaaahhhhh!

How is it that I missed it and she remembered?!?!

All this time I worried that she felt this was more about me and my kinks than her and her needs.  Instead this has become such an ingrained part of our life that she knows it’s about her and her needs and wants and not about what I think.

This post has been a bit of a ramble but my mind is just racing right now and I wanted to catch everyone up.  I’ll probably be posting more regularly.  Hopefully I’ll have interesting things to say and not just repeating what I’ve posted over the years.

Huh.  How about that.  This blog has been going for several years.

Break Time Is Over

Well, the summer break is over.  The kids have been back in school over a week now.  Yesterday my wife seemed to take a little bit of control over the situation and began to re-establish our arrangement.

Now, I know I said I was taking a bit of a break because of the kids being out of school, etc., but my wife has also been under a great amount of stress and the arrangement hasn’t been her highest priority.  So we’ve both kinda let things slip, and the break was probably timely.

Now, it’s not like all the rules were thrown out the window.  I wasn’t sitting around masturbating and letting the house get trashed.  No, I’m still at nine orgasms for the year.  The house did get a bit messier, but in general all the rules were still in place.

Anyway, I recently purchased a new dildo for my wife.  Her old one is 16 years old and was a jelly dildo with a vibrator part on the end.  The vibrator broke years ago so the last third of the dildo was just an empty battery housing inside the dildo that often fell out.  So she really deserved a new dildo.  I had gotten a coupon for 1/2 off from Adam & Eve so I went for it (actually after checking with her).  She let me choose what to get her, however.

I remembered the look in her eyes when we were “window shopping” on the internet and she saw some of the bigger models.  I know I posted about it in the past, but I can’t find it now (here it is).  Anyway, at the time I asked her what size she would want if I got her a new one and she said, “Your size”… then continued, “nothing smaller”.

Right.  Nothing smaller, but bigger is OK I guess?

Long story short, she now has a purple jelly dildo that is 8″ long from the base of the balls and 6 1/2″ in circumference.  She has dubbed it the “Purple Monster“.

Yesterday we had some private time together.  I put on my cock ring and took out her toys.  Having a small collection we have been keeping them in an old Crown Royal bag.  It was just right for the old collection.  Now it has a large set of dildo balls hanging out of it.  Anyway, I spread the toys on my pillow for her and we kissed and held each other for a bit.  Then she pushed me down and put me to work.  After her first orgasm she asked if I could fuck her.  I asked if I could try and she let me.  I didn’t last very long and she had me stop.  She then contemplated her choice of toys.  She grabbed the new dildo and inserted it.  “I don’t think I can get it all in… yet…”, she sighed.  She then grabbed the larger of her two bullet vibes and a look of pure bliss was on her face as it did it’s job.

I trembled as I watched her.  I tried to control myself from thrusting against her leg, I wanted to cum so badly.

When she was finished she allowed me to enter her again.  I was in heaven as I slowly made love to her, but again only lasted a minute or so before telling her I was ready to cum.  I had foolishly assumed that I would be allowed to orgasm as it had been three weeks since my last and it seems like she had been letting me orgasm whenever we made love lately, which sadly has not been often.

“You’re going to have to wait”, she told me as she gave me the tap letting me know she was done.  I asked if I could go down on her again and she replied, “No, thanks.  I came on your face once and on the Purple Monster two times.  I’m good”.

Wow.  She has never put it that way before, “I came on your face”.  It sent shivers down my spine hearing her talk to me like that.  She then told me that she liked the new dildo, but that it would take some time to get used to the size, since she was only used to my size.  I don’t think she intended any kind of slight, but it was just enough to give my humiliation kink a tweak.  She also suggested I find a new home for her toys and suggested that I give the “A team” (Purple Monster and large bullet vibe) a separate home from the “B team” (old dildo and small bullet vibe).  The B team has served her well over the years, but she now has a nice big new fake cock and a bullet vibe that puts out some strong vibrations.  The B team isn’t being retired, just being benched for a bit.  They are the back-up.

The rest of the day was very relaxing and fun.  We had a family movie night before getting the kids ready for bed.  As my wife put away the leftovers from dinner and I cleaned up she asked, “When are you going to bleach the sink?  And the floor needs to be mopped… you are slipping”.

Clearly the summer break is over.  Time to get back to being a good house husband.