I thought I’d been feeling very submissive lately. Oddly, I wasn’t really sure what that meant. I just realised that I’m not feeling more submissive, I have a desire to submit more, if that makes any sense. I guess these things come in phases, but at the moment I guess I feel a bit like I did right when my wife told me that she wanted to give this a try. I’ve got a strong desire to do, I don’t know, more, I guess.
Last night I told my wife that I was feeling more submissive lately. I had wanted to talk about our arrangement lately, but we really haven’t had the time. We’ve just been able to sneak in little thoughts and comments between being busy taking care of other things. Anyway, after I told her that she told me that as soon as she got home she started issuing me orders. I assured her it wasn’t a comment about her, and that I’d noticed she was getting more confident in just telling me to do things without it sounding awkward or rehearsed. Unfortunately our conversation veered off course and it didn’t feel right to try to steer it back. We agreed to try to make time tonight to talk about the arrangement a bit.
I’ve also been thinking about this comment from Femsup:
I think it not wise for the both of you for Her to “dom you without doing anything”.It will be pale soon unless She shows that She is often getting excited about Her control of your genitals.She should remind you frequently of your predicament and you should open yourself up to Her frequently of your feelings about being chaste and your longing to come.
You should do so without putting pressure on Her or becoming whiney about it.Just letting Her know the sacrifice you are willing to make and how much you find it hot and how much you appreciate Her attention
I appreciate the concern and advice, but I think the problem was trying to describe something I didn’t have the right words for. What my wife is into is Passive Dominance. This fits into the Service Submission that our arrangement is based on. She isn’t interested in spanking me, or tying me up, or actively doing things like that. She likes to sit back and have things done to and for her. Now, while I may desire some more active dominance, my goal is to give her pleasure, so I accept what she has to offer gladly. I hope that is a better description of what I meant by “not doing anything”.
I do wish she would remind me of my position more often, though. I do see the importance of that. I wish she would remind me of how I have given control of my orgasms to her. Even if she isn’t interested in how often I cum, she knows that I keep track. It would be nice if she would ask how many she’s allowed me. I don’t know if she would find this awkward, or just doesn’t think about it, but she generally doesn’t make comments of this nature, except for occasionally while in bed in a sexual context.
I would also like to be able to tell her more often about how I long for a release and about how much I love her keeping me in this state. The difficulty is that I’m very worried she would take it as nagging or topping from the bottom. Even if she just had these questions in her mind it could effect the way she acts. I don’t want her to feel guilted into giving me an orgasm. Even if she didn’t feel guilted into it, what if she had already decided it was time for my release and then afterward I would be left wondering whether or not she did it because I told her how badly I ached for release. So, I’m not sure how to go about any of this, although I can see how it can be important.
To be honest, as of today it’s been two weeks and for the last two days I’ve had a serious case of blue balls. I’m going crazy with lust and my wife sees it. She was telling me something yesterday as we were getting dinner ready and stopped mid sentence and looked me in the eyes and said, “you don’t care, you’re just horny”. I replied that I wasn’t “just horny”, I was madly desirous of her, or something along those lines. But I don’t feel like I deserve an orgasm right now. I don’t know why. I guess it is part of this feeling of wanting to somehow submit more.
As my wife went to bed last night she had me give her a back rub. From reading other blogs this seems to be a fairly common nightly ritual for many, but my wife only wants them when she is tense or has a tight muscle on her back, etc. So she had me give her a back rub and then get her a glass of water before she went to sleep. As I walked out of the room, hardness threatening to rip through my jeans, I was elated and disappointed at the same time. I was elated because she is getting exactly what she wants and she knows it, and she sees the effect it has on me. I could see in her eyes how happy she was to be in her position of power and to be able to get exactly what she wants from me. My erection was obvious and she is fully aware of how horny I am. Yet, she did not let that fact effect her. She did not want to have sex. She wanted to go to sleep. I got what I wanted, as well. I got to serve my beautiful wife and help her relax before going to sleep. She continues to deny my orgasm and honestly, that’s what I wanted as well.
What was disappointing was that we’ve only been intimate twice in two weeks. Once the day she allowed my last release, and several days later when she used me to pleasure her before pushing me to the side to finish by herself. I guess I’m just a bit frustrated that we haven’t been intimate more. Maybe our rhythms are off and she’s at a low libido point while I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum.
You know, it’s funny how ones thoughts can change week to week. Recently I’d been thinking to myself, “what the hell am I doing? Why have I only orgasmed eight times this year? I could be having orgasms twice a day again!” Now, here I am this week thinking, “No, two weeks is too soon. I haven’t earned another orgasm yet.” I’m sure everyone goes through this, but every time I notice it I chuckle to myself. One week I’ll be washing dishes wanting to be doing about anything else instead of washing dishes and wondering what kind of mess I’ve gotten myself into. The next week I’ll be vacuuming in front of our bay window in the living room hoping the neighbors see what a good househusband I am to my wonderful wife. I want them to see me doing my house work like a good husband should. As a matter of fact, that’s what I’ll be doing in just a few minutes, vacuuming the living room and putting my submission on display. I think today I should make sure those windows are cleaned too! Ooh, extra exposure!
Ah, life is good. I’m so happy!
Filed under: D/s, Dominance, female led relationship, housework, orgasm control, orgasm denial, submission, wife led marriage | 4 Comments »