Slow times

Well, there isn’t much going on in the sexy fun department because we are just so busy right now.  At times I feel like I’m neglecting my chores and duties and I realise that it’s because I didn’t really have as much time to do them as I used to.  My wife is so busy that she is exhausted most nights and just wants to go to sleep.  She did use me for a nice big orgasm last Wednesday and reminded me that I wasn’t allowed to cum, but it’s mostly been watch a little TV and then off to bed.

The stress of my being out of work is also taking it’s toll on both of us.  Her frustration is making me more depressed and frustrated and has brought me close to raising my voice to her, something I’ve never liked doing. 

She is also scheduled for a surgery in a couple of weeks and that has been weighing on us both as well.  Hell, it’s a good thing we’ve been so busy or else we’d probably just be more depressed and worried and making each other angry.

This down turn is really getting to me.  I’m not taking care of myself as well as I should and I know it.  I can see that I’m putting on weight and I haven’t been going to the gym and I’ve been drinking too much…

With all of this going on it’s reassuring to know that my wife is still into our arrangement.  She may be too tired and busy to take advantage of it, but at least she still acknowledges it.  She did make an effort last night and had me fetch her drinks and such as we watched TV.  That was nice.  And she still relaxes when she can while I’ll do my chores.  Unfortunately, too often instead of relaxing she is doing work on her laptop instead.

Oh, well.  We have our ups and downs.  Things will turn around soon.  In the meantime I know that my wife loves me and is still in control.

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Brief update

I feel like I’ve been very busy lately, but I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much.  I think it’s because I’ve been spending so much time trying to get my new computer going.  Not that it hasn’t been running, just getting it loaded up with everything I want, and then I upgraded the OS and I’m reloading everything….

Boring!

Sorry.  Anyway, we have all been very busy.  There are lots of activities going on and we are spending a lot of time together.  Unfortunately there is a bit of a black cloud that seems to drift in when my wife and I are alone.  The stress of my not having a job is doing a number on both of us right now.  It’s not very sexy.

My wife granted me a release this past Saturday.  It had been 18 days since my previous and puts me at 9 for the year.  We had a very busy and fun filled Saturday and after spending some time relaxing together my wife announced that she was tired and going to bed.  “I want you to join me in a minute”, she ordered.  Normally she doesn’t do this, only on occasions.  Normally I would go to kiss her good night and check if she needed anything.  Sometimes this would lead to sex, often it would lead to getting her water and a kiss on the cheek.  I got very excited instantly upon her order and soon followed her to bed where she waited for me naked under the sheets.  She told me to hurry and I did.  She seemed all business.  We made love and it was wonderful.  After about 5 minutes she said, “I want you to cum now”!  I was elated and worked even harder.  She continued to encourage me but somehow the pressure of being ordered to cum made it more difficult.  Soon she grew tired and told me to masturbate to orgasm.  “I want you to cum tonight”, she made clear.  I soon did and it was wonderful, and a relief.  I made a huge mess of myself and after laying there for a minute asked permission to clean myself up.  I was granted permission and soon was fetching water for my wife and tucking her in.

And my mind continues it’s own games.  Before that release I felt I could go at least until the end of the month.  Now, with the memory of how incredible it felt to cum still fresh in my brain, all I can think about is having another release!  I imagine how great it would be to be able to cum again tonight.

But that is unlikely, and that is OK.  What I would rather have is a chance to make my wife cum instead.

Thank you my dear, darling wife!

Hi Beautiful!

I was talking with my wife last night as she was doing some work on her laptop when she mentioned that her boss told her she should start a blog about the exploits of our children.  Apparently nobody she works with has kids or they probably wouldn’t find these stories so interesting.  We joked about it a bit and although she feels she just wouldn’t follow through she said she’d love to write about cooking, her family, wine… the interests of her life.  Then she looked at me and said, “I could blog about my submissive husband”.

My Beautiful Wonderful Wife, if you are reading this please let me know!  I would be so excited to hear what you think!  Perhaps you could even pop in now and then and give your point of view.

Having said that, I don’t think it would be wise for me to spring this on her.  If this is merely a coincidence than it should probably stay that way.  I know a few WLM blogs have died after the husband showed them to their wife.  I wouldn’t want to upset her.  But, this blog is very therapeutic and lets me do something I enjoy (writing) without too much effort. 

On a kinkier note, I just don’t know why, but at this moment I almost want to see if I can go the rest of the month without release.  It would be one hell of an April Fool’s joke, “you get to cum tonight, but for the rest of the month you’ll be denied”!  Kind of sexy.  I’m caught in the pleasure and pain loop again.  I’ve had blue balls for days now and as the pain subsides I think about it and immediately get an erection which as that subsides leaves me with aching balls again. 

Would it be wrong of me to ask to wait the rest of the month?  If I ask openly and honestly it isn’t really topping from the bottom.  It would still be her decision.  Hmmmm….

None for me? Thanks!

Sometimes I think my wife is secretly reading this blog.  I don’t really think she is.  I’m sure she just knows me so well that she knows what I’m thinking and can figure out my desires just from the smallest comments.

Last night was a very nice night.  We were able to relax, which we haven’t really been able to do for a while.  We watched a movie and sat and folded laundry (something she enjoys).  Because of the movie, though, we weren’t able to talk.  That’s OK, I figured.  It was just nice to sit and watch a movie with her.

Halfway through the movie she decided she was getting tired and wanted to go to bed.  I gave her a few minutes to get ready, as I usually do, and went in to kiss her goodnight and see if she needed anything from me.  Indeed she did need something.  She needed to use her husband for sex!  Yay!

She started of with some teasing licks and sucks, enough to remind me of what I’m missing.  After a few minutes of intercourse she told me to go down on her.  She enjoyed a few minutes of oral service before giving me that tap to let me know she wanted intercourse again.  After a few more minutes I could tell she may need a little more help to get over the edge.  I asked her if she wanted me to get her bullet vibe.  First she said “no” but then changed her mind.  I reached into the night stand and quickly got it for her.  She then went to work herself leaving me to kiss her thighs.  Soon she wanted me inside her again and used the vibe in combination with her cock.  I was getting close and slowed down but soon enough it was over.  She had a wonderful orgasm and I could see in her eyes that she was in heaven.  I rolled off her and asked for permission to masturbate.  She told me I could and rolled over to watch me.

I started to edge myself as she said, “it’s been a long time since I’ve let you cum, hasn’t it”.  I replied that it was two weeks.  She replied, “then you won’t mind waiting a little longer, because you are not allowed to cum tonight”.  She continued to tease me as I masturbated and I could see her hand moving beneath the sheet as she worked on herself.  I thanked her for controlling my orgasms and told her I wanted to cum so badly and I was happy she kept me in that state.  She teased me some more about not being allowed to cum and a moment later said, “by the way, I just had another orgasm.  Too bad you have to wait”.  I had to release myself at that moment as I almost exploded hearing that.  I humped the air and felt like I would cum without being touched.  As she rolled over to go to sleep she ordered me to go get her a glass of water.  I had to gingerly put my clothes on for fear any rubbing would make me lose it.

It was so wonderful.  It’s as if she read yesterdays post and put it into action.  She is so amazing!

This morning she woke me up to give me an extra chore to do today.  It was a great way to wake up!

Feeling frustrated… and happy!

I thought I’d been feeling very submissive lately.  Oddly, I wasn’t really sure what that meant.  I just realised that I’m not feeling more submissive, I have a desire to submit more, if that makes any sense.  I guess these things come in phases, but at the moment I guess I feel a bit like I did right when my wife told me that she wanted to give this a try.  I’ve got a strong desire to do, I don’t know, more, I guess.

Last night I told my wife that I was feeling more submissive lately.  I had wanted to talk about our arrangement lately, but we really haven’t had the time.  We’ve just been able to sneak in little thoughts and comments between being busy taking care of other things.  Anyway, after I told her that she told me that as soon as she got home she started issuing me orders.  I assured her it wasn’t a comment about her, and that I’d noticed she was getting more confident in just telling me to do things without it sounding awkward or rehearsed.  Unfortunately our conversation veered off course and it didn’t feel right to try to steer it back.  We agreed to try to make time tonight to talk about the arrangement a bit.

I’ve also been thinking about this comment from Femsup:

I think it not wise for the both of you for Her to “dom you without doing anything”.It will be pale soon unless She shows that She is often getting excited about Her control of your genitals.She should remind you frequently of your predicament and you should open yourself up to Her frequently of your feelings about being chaste and your longing to come.
You should do so without putting pressure on Her or becoming whiney about it.Just letting Her know the sacrifice you are willing to make and how much you find it hot and how much you appreciate Her attention

I appreciate the concern and advice, but I think the problem was trying to describe something I didn’t have the right words for.  What my wife is into is Passive Dominance.  This fits into the Service Submission that our arrangement is based on.  She isn’t interested in spanking me, or tying me up, or actively doing things like that.  She likes to sit back and have things done to and for her.  Now, while I may desire some more active dominance, my goal is to give her pleasure, so I accept what she has to offer gladly.  I hope that is a better description of what I meant by “not doing anything”.

I do wish she would remind me of my position more often, though.  I do see the importance of that.  I wish she would remind me of how I have given control of my orgasms to her.  Even if she isn’t interested in how often I cum, she knows that I keep track.  It would be nice if she would ask how many she’s allowed me.  I don’t know if she would find this awkward, or just doesn’t think about it, but she generally doesn’t make comments of this nature, except for occasionally while in bed in a sexual context. 

I would also like to be able to tell her more often about how I long for a release and about how much I love her keeping me in this state.  The difficulty is that I’m very worried she would take it as nagging or topping from the bottom.  Even if she just had these questions in her mind it could effect the way she acts.  I don’t want her to feel guilted into giving me an orgasm.  Even if she didn’t feel guilted into it, what if she had already decided it was time for my release and then afterward I would be left wondering whether or not she did it because I told her how badly I ached for release.  So, I’m not sure how to go about any of this, although I can see how it can be important.

To be honest, as of today it’s been two weeks and for the last two days I’ve had a serious case of blue balls.  I’m going crazy with lust and my wife sees it.  She was telling me something yesterday as we were getting dinner ready and stopped mid sentence and looked me in the eyes and said, “you don’t care, you’re just horny”.  I replied that I wasn’t “just horny”, I was madly desirous of her, or something along those lines.  But I don’t feel like I deserve an orgasm right now.  I don’t know why.  I guess it is part of this feeling of wanting to somehow submit more.

As my wife went to bed last night she had me give her a back rub.  From reading other blogs this seems to be a fairly common nightly ritual for many, but my wife only wants them when she is tense or has a tight muscle on her back, etc.  So she had me give her a back rub and then get her a glass of water before she went to sleep.  As I walked out of the room, hardness threatening to rip through my jeans, I was elated and disappointed at the same time.  I was elated because she is getting exactly what she wants and she knows it, and she sees the effect it has on me.  I could see in her eyes how happy she was to be in her position of power and to be able to get exactly what she wants from me.  My erection was obvious and she is fully aware of how horny I am.  Yet, she did not let that fact effect her.  She did not want to have sex.  She wanted to go to sleep.  I got what I wanted, as well.  I got to serve my beautiful wife and help her relax before going to sleep.  She continues to deny my orgasm and honestly, that’s what I wanted as well.

What was disappointing was that we’ve only been intimate twice in two weeks.  Once the day she allowed my last release, and several days later when she used me to pleasure her before pushing me to the side to finish by herself.  I guess I’m just a bit frustrated that we haven’t been intimate more.  Maybe our rhythms are off and she’s at a low libido point while I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum.

You know, it’s funny how ones thoughts can change week to week.  Recently I’d been thinking to myself, “what the hell am I doing?  Why have I only orgasmed eight times this year?  I could be having orgasms twice a day again!”  Now, here I am this week thinking, “No, two weeks is too soon.  I haven’t earned another orgasm yet.”  I’m sure everyone goes through this, but every time I notice it I chuckle to myself.  One week I’ll be washing dishes wanting to be doing about anything else instead of washing dishes and wondering what kind of mess I’ve gotten myself into.  The next week I’ll be vacuuming in front of our bay window in the living room hoping the neighbors see what a good househusband I am to my wonderful wife.  I want them to see me doing my house work like a good husband should.  As a matter of fact, that’s what I’ll be doing in just a few minutes, vacuuming the living room and putting my submission on display.  I think today I should make sure those windows are cleaned too!  Ooh, extra exposure!

Ah, life is good.  I’m so happy!

Vanilla?

It’s funny that I keep thinking that our arrangement is getting more vanilla every day.  I had started out todays entry with a whole thing about how vanilla it’s been lately.  Then I counted up my orgasms for the year.  Eight.  Orgasm control is not vanilla.  So I was thinking, well, my wife hasn’t been very dom-y lately.  Well, she was out of town for a conference, so it’s not like I was able to serve or service her.  I’ve also been in a bit of a funk lately.  I just woke up one morning feeling depressed despite some of the great news I’ve received recently.  I’m sure everyone gets this way once in a while.  I know I do.  I’m sure it will pass soon.

But, because of this funk I’ve lapsed on the housework and my wife is kind of letting it go as she see’s that I’m in a funk.  Plus, we’ve both gotten some bad news lately and I just lost my job, which is a completely different post, but I have to say that when people know that your wife is the breadwinner it makes you an easier target when your boss is looking for a sacrificial lamb (“it doesn’t effect us as much as a primary breadwinner losing his job).  So, even though I forgot to set up the coffee for her this morning I know she’s going to let it slide, and I appreciate it.

But, I also know that I’ve got to work through it and I know that if I have more fun with it and get inside my head and use a bit of fantasy I’ll generally feel better and work my way out of it faster.  Last night I asked my wife if she would let me please her without getting anything in return and I think she understood that it would help me feel a better and get my head out of the dark places it was going.  And it really helped and I’m so glad she was happy to do it. 

She surprised me a bit before she left for her conference.  The day before she left, while we were cooking dinner she had an “Oh, shit!” moment.  I could tell she realised that she’d forgotten something for the trip and she looked at me and smiled.  I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she’d forgotten to take care of something, and she appologized.  I asked her why she was sorry and she said she meant to get me something for while she was gone.  It took me a second to catch on and she confirmed that she had meant to buy the locking Gates of Hell.  I looked at her in disbelief and figured she was just saying this as a bit of a tease and wasn’t into it at all.

Later that night as we were getting ready for bed she talked to me about it more.  She said she had thought about it and the idea of locking me up was really exciting to her.  What excites her about it is that she can do something very Dom to me without actually doing anything.  So, no work for her, yet it’s very D/s so we are both getting off on it.  She asked if that excited me and I explained that it did and it didn’t.  I tried to explain how I found myself in this weird excitement trap.  Her telling me that it excited her to think about me being locked up makes it more exciting for me, but it also makes me see that we are closer to doing it which makes me anxious and not want to cross that bridge, which makes the idea of it even more exciting, causing more anxiety, and so on.  That turned her on even more and I think may have sealed the deal.  Not only does she not have to do anything, but she’s found that it was a complete mind fuck for me as well.

She must have been incredibly turned on by the conversation because the sex that followed was amazing and she had an explosion of an orgasm.  When it was over she looked at me and told me that she would allow me to orgasm if I hurried.  I was wearing my cock ring and wanted to take it off but was afraid of wasting any time so I plowed ahead and in moments had a orgasm myself, but because of the cock ring it was deminished a bit.  I could tell it didn’t have the force behind it and there was some stinging as it was constricted.  There was still enough to leave a considerable wet spot that my wife smirked at.

Uh, did I start this blog talking about how vanilla we were?

So, not only do I have to buy a locking Gates of Hell, but my wife also wants me to get a metal cock ring now (I currently have a ‘gummy’ stretchy kind). 

Anyway, I guess my original point (since this post has been all over the place) was just that once again I realised that the more routine all the kinky things become, the more vanilla it seems, which isn’t a bad thing.  I still get a rush out of it, especially when it seems second nature to my wife and not like she has to make an effort.  For example, last night while we were eating dinner, she finished her glass of wine and just held the empty glass up.  I, of course, got up and refilled it.  She thanked me and we continued eating as if that wasn’t totally sexy for both of us, which it was.  I think that was the moment when I realised that being more submissive would help me work out of this funk.  As we talked later in the night I got on the floor and knelt between her legs as we talked.  It wasn’t something she asked for and she may not have even looked at it as an act of submission, but I just really felt like being submissive and it felt really good.

Hmmm.  Posting felt good, too.  I can feel this funk going away even as I type.  I’m even finding the bright side of getting fired.  I can serve my wife every night until I find another job! 

Yay!