A quick note before I’m off on my trip

Things continue to be hectic as I prepare to leave in two days.  Without going into to many details, things are not going as smoothly as I’d like.  Oh, well.  Not much I can do about it now.

I jokingly appologized to my wife for the housework she was going to have to do while I was gone.  She replied that she wasn’t looking forward to it, and she wasn’t joking.  She made it clear she was dreading it.  The thought of doing dishes was stressing her out.  Knowing that I wasn’t going to be there to pamper her and pick up after her definitely has her down.  She told me that I was going to have a lot to do to make up for it when I get back.  Oddly, I’m looking forward to that.

My wife and I had our first date night in a long time last night.  We went out for dinner where I work and just relaxed and had a few drinks.  I got to introduce my wife to many of my co-workers, so she now knows who I’m talking about as I tell stories.  She got to experience it all and now sees why I love the job so much.  She’s now in love with the place too.

She did seem to get a little possessive, however.  After introducing her to some of my female co-workers she was much more “hands on” with me, openly groping me, kissing me every few minutes, making it clear to everyone that I was hers.  She was also a little more openly dominant.  We happened to see a commercial come on the big screen TV that was showing the Olympics that showed a handsome and fit young man ironing women’s clothes without a shirt on.  At the end of the commercial (I still have no idea what they were selling) it shows him on his knees scrubbing out a toilet, again shirtless.  My wife looked at me after we saw the commercial and she commented a loud enough for a few to overhear that the commercial was directed at me. 

She also had me give her tastes of my food before I ate any as well as tasting the wine I chose to accompany it.  After dinner she handed me her glasses and told me to clean them for her.  After her third drink I could tell she was a bit tipsy and was close to being over the top with all the kissing and touching and bossiness.  Almost.  She managed to keep it out of the “get a room” area, thankfully.

Overall we had a great time.  We talked about my upcoming trip and how she believed I could make it a very successful trip as well.  We didn’t talk about our arrangement at all.  I still haven’t brought up the issue of orgasm control.  Tomorrow it will be five weeks.  If there is no release tomorrow then my next chance won’t be until the six week mark.  Frankly, the idea of being in a hotel room for 5 nights and not having an orgasm is a little hard to imagine.  I equate hotels with sex, I guess, even if it’s just masturbation.  I’m not sure I could control myself.  Just thinking about the hotel room makes me want to masturbate. 

Weird.

Oh, well.  I’m hoping for some super hot goodbye and good luck sex tonight.  Wish me luck!

Another whine, I’m afraid

Well, my wife getting so upset with me had one positive effect, I guess.  I feel like I’m back in the submissive mindset that I enjoy.  She ended up apologizing to me for being so upset.  Of course she didn’t need to, but I understand that it made her feel better about it.  She didn’t punish me in any way.  I guess she didn’t really need to.  I felt horrible about the whole thing.

Of course the mysterious clutch problem fixed itself again and we drove it to the auto shop to have it looked at.  We dropped it off after hours and my wife left a vague note about having them look at the clutch.  Well, they made assumptions and called me to tell me it needed an entire new clutch and told me the price.  They also told me we needed two new tires on the front as they were bald.  THOSE ARE NEW TIRES!  I told them not to do anything and that I would call back later when I was calm.

When I called them back I had done a bit of research on the clutch and figured out the likely cause of the problem.  I asked for the shop owner who I’ve spoken with before and seems to be an honest guy.  I asked if the person who had called me earlier had given me info on a different car because what he told me couldn’t be correct.  I was informed that, unfortunately, it was the right car.  He then went on to explain the problem in detail.  Now, he admitted that he wouldn’t know for sure until the clutch was taken apart, but from the sounds the clutch was making as well as the description of the problem, that was his best guess.  I then informed him that it was a new clutch and if it was as bad as he described why did it only do this on two occasions and work perfectly the rest of the time.  I told him (like I know what I’m talking about) that it seemed like a simple problem with the clutch’s hydraulics.  He responded that he didn’t know that was the problem, he thought the clutch was shot.  He told me he would go back and check everything again.  Today I got a call back that indeed it was a problem with the hydraulics and they would fix it. 

So, I got that taken care of and while her car was being worked on I got the oil changed in mine.  Good.  Car things taken care of by me.

I also got a lot done in preparation for my trip.  Yay me.

Meanwhile my wife was in a foul mood all day.  She has a cold.  She’s worried about money.  She is stressed about work.  The kids were rotten all afternoon while I was out running errands and she didn’t have a car to take them anywhere.  She was miserable and miserable to be around. 

So, here I am feeling submissive and whiny.  It seems like nothing I did could make her feel any better, and since she didn’t seem to get any satisfaction from everything I was doing, I didn’t either.  What good is service submission when it’s not appreciated?  Yes, it was expected of me.  Yes, she wants me to do these things.  Yes, she is in charge and looking after herself before worrying about me.  But it doesn’t work when the submission is ignored.  I wouldn’t mind going a month without an orgasm if she was aware that she is making me wait.  She is oblivious to it.  It’s not orgasm control/denial when there is no thought put into it.  To take a page from her book, if we are doing this, than this is just neglect.  It’s one thing to say, “No orgasm for you, you will have to wait until I am ready”.  It’s entirely another thing to not realise the passing of time at all and to not make even the slightest effort to acknowledge this aspect of our arrangement for as long as she has. 

Since I’m complaining I should also add that I wore the device for nearly 48 hours straight before taking it off to sleep before having to go in for a Dr.’s appointment very early the next morning.  I rubbed myself in relief as my wife and I lay down in bed.  My wife asked if I was sore and I responded that I wasn’t.  I told her that it just felt good to have it off after nearly 48 hours straight.  “That’s a bit extreme”, she replied.

A bit extreme?

Why did I have it on at all?  I thought she was behind it?  She told me she was looking forward to locking it on.  Did she plan on taking it off of me when she got home from work every night?  I guess I’d be fine with that, but she never mentioned that before.

Sigh.  I’m so confused.

I guess I should stop complaining.  I should just be happy that she wants me to do things for her and that she is selfish about things.  I should just be happy that she only thinks about sex when she wants, and if that leaves me without an orgasm for a month because her libido is low, then that’s what I get for wanting this arrangement.

At least I’m feeling submissive again.

Dropping the ball

Well, today hasn’t started out very well.  My wife called to let me know that she parked her car in a two hour spot at work today and when she went to move it the clutch was out.  Now, this in itself is a problem, but it’s an even bigger problem for me because it did the same thing a little over a week ago while I was driving it.  It seemed to make a miraculous recovery so I just figured it was a weird, one-time thing.  I mean, we put in a new clutch less than a year ago.  How could there be a problem with it?

Well, my wife called and she was very upset with me.  She has made it clear that anything car related is to be handled by me so she doesn’t have to worry about it.  I should have taken the car in to be checked out and to make sure that it didn’t happen again.  I’d like to think that I would have if money wasn’t so tight, but that’s not really true.  I just wanted to believe that everything was OK and I didn’t have to bring it in to the shop.

On top of that the oil in my car needs to be changed.  I told her I’d take care of it either yesterday or today after she got home from work.  Well, since I hadn’t clarified with her that I would definitely do it today or not, and now I can’t because we have to get her car to the shop, so she sees me as neglecting this job as well. 

To add to the stress I’m leaving for a business trip in nine days and will be gone for six days.  This will be very stressful on my wife, but I’ve got so much to get done in that time that I’m starting to panic.  I should probably be figuring out my week instead of writing this, as a matter of fact.

Sigh.

I just looked back at the calendar and realised that tomorrow it will be a month since my last orgasm.  Huh.  How did I miss that.  I guess I’ve been even more preoccupied with my trip than I’ve realised.  It’s been eight days since I was last intimate with my wife, as well.  Unfortunately for me she is totally engrossed by the Olympics, so I’m not sure if there is any sex in the foreseeable future at all.

I’ve now been in my device for 26 hours straight (unlocked).  I did chores and ran errands in it yesterday, more so than any time previously.  I’ve actually only had it off for 1 1/2 hours in the last 36 hours.  I woke up an hour and a half before normal and my cock felt like it was being pinched in five different spots with an attempted erection, so I just took it off without thinking.  When I woke up an hour and a half later I immediately put it back on.  The impeding of the erection by the rings isn’t too uncomfortable, it’s the skin getting pinched in the leather that hurts.  It also makes the skin behind my testicles sore as the leather cock ring digs in as my cock attempts to get hard and pushes out against the rings.  Oh, I have been taking it off to shower as well, but that’s only a few minutes time.  I’m still not sure if I’m going to attempt to shower with it on.  I did that once and it just seemed to get too water logged.  We’ll see, I guess.  Otherwise I’ll have to get my wife’s permission to take it off before showering (once she locks it on).  Damn, just writing about this has given me another erection, well, attempted one.  Oh, the straining!

I guess it’s time to get to work.  Enough loafing around blogging.

More talking

Last night as I cleaned up the kitchen my wife sat at the table playing a game on her laptop.  I thought it would be a good time to expound a little on my previous attempt at talking about kicking our arrangement up a notch.  My first attempt was cut short with, “I’m happy with the way things are”.  So I tried again.  I told her it was difficult to put into words, because like much of this, I didn’t really understand it all myself.  She asked if it was hard because I was about to drop a bombshell on her and I assured her it wasn’t.  What I managed to say was that I didn’t want to add other things to our arrangement, but instead that we hadn’t fully explored our arrangement and that we could do more with it.  I told her that I would like to explore my boundaries and that I didn’t think I was very close.  I told her that I was beginning to think the reason I wasn’t getting into subspace (I said submissive buzz) was because of tolerance and that I wanted to be pushed a little harder to see if I could get there again, although I admitted to fully understanding there would eventually be a limit that she would likely reach before I did.

She told me that she didn’t feel like I’d been doing enough lately and admitted to being very irritated with me.  She thought the house wasn’t up to par and the kids room was a wreck.  Earlier in the night she’d pointed out that she couldn’t remember the last time the kids beds had been made, but she started keeping track a few days ago and was upset that she had to say anything.  A few days ago she asked me what initiative I’d taken around the house since she hadn’t sent me any specific assignment that day.  So I know this has been building up for several days.  I told her that I should have some sort of punishment.  I didn’t want to have to give her examples but I did say that I was sure she could come up with a lot of punishments for me without having to think very hard.  She replied that she would get over it and I told her that I knew she would, just like she always does, and that tomorrow she wouldn’t be upset and would be happy with me and the work I do, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t be punished for upsetting her.  I asked her to punish me while she was angry, not to wait until later.  Of course I got no punishment.  Sigh.  I guess it’s just very difficult.

She did tell me that it still wasn’t easy for her to “do this”.  From the context of what we were saying I took it to mean that it doesn’t come naturally, not that she finds it distasteful or a chore.  Nevertheless I again assured her that were we to end the arrangement I’d maintain my role as house husband.  She responded, “Of course you will.  I work 50 hours a week and you work 10, so you would make up for it by taking care of the house”.  I have to say that hearing her say that made it pretty clear that we could remove the kink, but I don’t think there is any turning back from this wife led marriage.  I think she would still expect me to defer to her will from now on despite any other arrangement, because I always have, and now she nows it.

I have to admit that today I’ve felt pretty guilty about that conversation.  I do my best to make this all about her.  I know she caters to my kinks somewhat, but to ask her for more seems so greedy and unfair.  Clearly she is doing all she can or else she probably do more of her own initiative.  I really hope I didn’t make her feel inadequate in any way.  She seemed to understand the gist of what I was getting at, but I still feel bad about it.

Another thing we talked about was the device.  I let her know that I would be likely be able to go a full 24 hours in it very soon.  She asked me if it excited me and I told her that it honestly didn’t.  I confessed to her that the only exciting aspect of it was knowing that she would be wearing the key.  Other than that it wasn’t really a very pleasant experience and not being able to stroke myself at my leisure will be incredibly frustrating.  She seemed to enjoy that.

So, I guess overall I’m feeling a little guilty for wanting more, a little bit like a hypocrite, a little whiney, but surprisingly, a little more submissive.

A stirring of submissive feelings… maybe?

I think I may be feeling some little submissive stirrings in my stomach again.  Or maybe I’m just hungry.  It’s hard to say, but I think it’s the former.

I hate to say it, and generally have disagreed with this point of view, but I guess there’s a chance that sex has had something to do with this loss of subby feeling.  My wife and I were only intimate three times last month.  We started the month with my telling her how my submissive feelings towards her were growing and some mind blowing sex where I was left in subspace for a day or so.  By the end of the month all sub feelings had disappeared.  But looking back, I see that I was allowed an orgasm each time we made love.  There was no denial or control, really.  And also there was just a general lack of intimacy.  So, did this have an effect on me?

I wouldn’t have thought so, but a couple of nights ago my wife summoned me to the bed room.  It was late and she had to get up early so I was not expecting her “come hither” finger beckoning me to bed.  By the time I had gotten there and started undressing she was already using her vibrator on herself.  She had me go down on her for a bit, then used my cock to bring herself to an orgasm.  After a moment she had me go down on her for a while while she just lay back and relaxed.  She didn’t seem to be building to another orgasm, she just seemed to be enjoying my mouth on her.  This when on for a while (I could have done it happily for hours) before she decided it was time for sleep.  I asked for permission to masturbate and she told me to kneel on the floor on her side of the bed.  She watched me with a smirk on her face as I masturbated and informed me that I was not allowed to cum.  I edged myself and partly collapsed onto the bed.  She put her hand to my cheek and I looked into her eyes and saw amusement at my expense.  It’s so effing sexy to see that look.  She told me to clean her toy and have it ready to go the next time she wants it and to bring her a glass of water.  I dressed and went to get the water and knelt beside the bed as she slowly sat up and took a drink.  She handed the water back to me to place on the nightstand (in her reach) and told me to fetch her cell phone for her, which I quickly did.  At this point I was as close to subspace as I could be, but not be in it.  But it wasn’t frustrating or distracting.  I was aware of it’s absence, but I felt a different kind of submissive feeling.  I can’t really explain it, but it was there.  I felt an overwhelming need to respond to my wife’s commands with a “yes ma’am” or “yes mistress” or something even though she doesn’t like those two responses.

Anyway, I guess my point is that maybe there is more truth to the “the sexual aspect is important” argument then I give credit to.  I definitely think that being used sexually and denied orgasm has set me into some kind of sub frame of mind, even if it’s not quite what it was before.

I’ve taken to wearing the device daily for several hours at a time.  I’ve also started keeping track of my time in and out of it.  Over the last couple of days I’ve spent the majority of time in.  I still like being able to take it off whenever I like as I’m still getting sore from it, but by keeping track of it I see that I’m making progress with length of time on before feeling like I need to take it off.

To be honest I’m not really looking forward to having it locked on.  The excitement over a new toy phase is gone.  What remains exciting is the idea of my wife wearing the key in plain sight.  I think it’s pretty amazing that she came up with the idea herself and it’s most of what makes it exciting for her.  I mean, she hasn’t read any chastity porn or done any research on it.  She’s not like me diving into the internet to find out every little thing I can.  She just naturally understood the power of wearing the key for everyone to see and no one would know but her, although she may be a little naive to think that NOBODY would know.  You never know what the woman down the aisle at the grocery store does with her husband, do you?  But, as I was saying, that’s about the only exciting thing about this.  It’s bulky, often uncomfortable, I won’t be able to masturbate (well “jerk off”) whenever I want to, it pinches, I’m sure I could come up with more reasons to not want to wear it.  But then there is the knowledge that my wife is going to be getting off on the power exchange, and that’s why I’m trying to increase the time in it vs. time out of it.  Perhaps hearing the lock click and seeing a key on a chain hanging in her beautiful cleavage as she heads out the door to work will be what puts me back into heavenly subspace.

No change

I have yet to get that submissive buzz back. 

A few nights ago while watching TV my wife asked me a simple question, whether I’d rather rub her feet first, or her shoulders.  Before that would have made me swoon.  Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  But I didn’t get sub-spacey.  Even after rubbing both her feet and her shoulders I just felt very content at having been able to do something nice for my wife.  As she sat back contentedly without thanking me I was happy.  But not sub-spacey.

It was then that I thought I should bring up the loss of the “submissive feeling”.  I didn’t really know how to explain it as I’m not sure what’s going on.  I assured her that giving her pleasure still made me feel good and that I did’t want to change anything, but that the “buzz” I had gotten from it is gone.  I don’t want a thing to change and it’s not her, I assured her.  She asked me if I still wanted to receive special assignments from her and again I assured her that I did.  I then got on my knees and knelt next to her for a while and suggested that maybe it was me and that I needed to “be” more submissive.  She seemed to smirk a bit as she watched TV and I knelt next to her.  I don’t know if that’s really the problem or not, perhaps.

Anyway, as I’ve said, she has not slacked off at all.  She continues to use her position of authority as she sees fit.  The day after I told her about the lack of “buzz” she was a little more polite than normal when she asked me to get up from the dinner table to get something for her, but that was a one time thing.  After that it was right back to, “OK, guys.  If you want desert we have to leave so daddy can clean up and get dessert ready for us”.

For the last week I’ve also been on some antibiotics.  Now, I’ve taken more than my fair share of medicine over the years, and this is the first time I recall experiencing any, not to mention most, of the side effects.  Now, clearly my sub-slump came before this, but I wonder how much effect it is having on it’s continuation.  At times the pills make my heart race, and other times leave me feeling exhausted.  Last night they just made me feel “out of it” and I forgot to set up my wife’s coffee for this morning.  As she was leaving for work she turned to me and said, “You forgot my coffee this morning.  I had to make it myself.  I think you should put yourself in ‘lockdown'”.  I had to ask her to repeat herself to be sure I heard correctly.  She did indeed say “lock down”.  I understood that to mean that I should wear the device, even though she has not given me the lock yet.  I’m glad for that because at this point I can still only wear it for several hours at a time before taking it off.  I can usually put it on again for several hours, but as I’ve said before I’m trying to take it much slower this time around.  I haven’t really worn it much at all this week, maybe on and off one day. 

Anyway, I’m wearing it now and I’m just happy that despite my telling her about my “problem” she hasn’t changed her attitude a bit.  I’m starting to think that it’s just me.  I’m still submitting to her, and that makes me happy, so perhaps the problem is that for me to feel sub-spacey I need to be pushed further. 

I don’t know that I want to ask that of her, but perhaps we can talk about it sometime.  It won’t be for a few days as I have to work the next two nights and she is busy all day tomorrow.

We’ll see.