This may very well be my last post.

This may very well be my last post.  

I’ve considered deleting this blog for quite a while, but it’s my diary and I can’t quite do it..However, I’m clearly not going to be posting here anymore, save for the random thought, like today.

I feel like there should be some closure for this blog.  It’s gone unkempt for too many months… years…  So here is where we are.

My wife and I are very happy with each other.  We have many trials and tribulations as do any married couple, but at the end of the day we wouldn’t want anyone else to be with.  We don’t live by a credo of wife-led or femdom anymore, yet when my wife wants something and she is sitting she still asks me for it.  If she thinks there is something I should be doing or something I haven’t done she isn’t afraid to let me know.  

But there is a subtle difference between where we are now and where we were.

Before it was essentially an obligation on both our parts. We had made an arrangement and either of us could fail in our commitment.  

What we have found is that removing the Arrangement and just living with what makes us happy (an arrangement with no set rules) is much better for both of us.

There is one setting the Arrangement is still in place, however.  When it comes to the bedroom very little has changed.  If anything my wife has dominated there more than ever.  Maybe it just seems more dominant since we no longer have our Arrangement, but as far as I can tell it’s still all about her in the bed.

Last night I joined her in bed and as is the custom, brought her toys.  She started with the mini vibe (these stories all start the same) and had an orgasm or two.  

I was quite anxious, as the last time we were in this scenario she brought herself to many orgasms as I lay next to her and then informed me she was done.  Granted, she used my mouth for an orgasm or two, but she had not let me know that she wasn’t interested in my orgasm at all that night.  It was the first night of tease and or denial in a long time.

Back to last night… First she used her vibe, then she had me go down on her.  I, of course, was in heaven.  I could tell she had a few orgasms.  She then pulled out Big Purple.  Again I went down on her while she fucked her big cock.  I pulled back a bit to take a breath and she yelled, “NO!”, and pulled my head back.

When she had her fill she made it clear and I laid beside her.  I asked if I might have a chance and she smiled and let me.

I told her I nearly came after she pulled my head tight. I told her it wasn’t the first time I almost came while licking her.  She told me from now on it would be better if I just came while pleasuring her.  She also told me about how good it felt to fuck her Big Purple dildo and how good my tongue felt and how she loves to cum that way.

So, not long after entering her, as she played with my nipples and told me how good the dildo felt, I came and rolled off to her side.

“What’s wrong”, she asked me?

“Nothing!  I just came!”, I replied.

“Oh”, she tried to not laugh.

So that is where we are.  Partners in life and having fun in the bedroom.

 

If this blog disappears soon don’t be surprised.  I don’t see much reason for it anymore.

 

Thank you to all who have read and followed.  I’ll still be trolling the other blogs.  

Be happy everyone!

 

New Routine

Sorry for the long time between posts, but it’s been a busy summer.

My wife and I finally had a (short) conversation about her hinting at starting the Arrangement again and she basically informed me that it was a heat of the moment comment.  Basically, she’s happy the way things are but is enjoying the benefits of the power play in the bedroom.  In the bedroom it’s still “All For Her”.  Lately, it’s even escalated a bit.  I’m sure it won’t last, or at least will cool down a bit, but for now I’m enjoying it.

Essentially, of late I’ve become second fiddle to her big purple dildo, and I’m loving it!

It started one night, as usual, with her playing with her vibe before telling me to go down on her.  In my excitement I expanded my oral ministrations, so to speak.  Rather than be put off, as I was afraid she might be, she encouraged me.  This brought her several orgasms.  She then allowed me a chance to enter her.  I made love to her for few minutes before she again brought out the vibe and told me to stay still.  After another orgasm she informed me she was ready for “Big Purple”.  I excitedly slid out and presented her dildo.  I sat back and watched her and listened to her moan.  I, of course, don’t elicit such sounds.

As she continued to enjoy her orgasms she informed me that I can cum.  In my shock and joy I started stroking myself and in moments came on her thigh.  I immediately licked it off of her as she moaned in bliss.  When she was done she told me to clean up her toys as she left to clean up herself.

The next couple of times we made love it followed the same pattern, but most recently she seamed to focus even more on the pleasures of my tongue in its new territory.  As I licked her I (barely) heard her asking for Big Purple.  I paused to prepare it for her and slowly inserted it.  For the first time she took it all at once.  Before she had to slowly work it deeper over time.  This time it slid right in all the way to the big purple balls.  I continued to lick before she pushed me away and used her vibe.  I sat back and watched again as she enjoyed herself and told me how much she loved “that big cock”.

I leaned over her and kissed her and moaned with her and between orgasms she looked at me and asked, as if it had just occurred to her, “oh, did you want a chance”?\

“Yes, please”, I begged.  She slowly pulled out her dildo, moaning all the time and let me enter her.  I told her I wouldn’t last long, and didn’t.  I could feel how much the dildo stretched her and the thought put me over the edge.  As I rolled off her she put Big Purple back to work and brought herself to one last orgasm.

When she had come down she again told me to clean up the mess and went off to shower.

I love our new routine!

 

Reset?

So things have continued along a fairly predictable schedule.  The wife and I have super hot, super kinky sex, I start to wonder if there is a next step coming and then nothing happens for a while.  Then I get cranky that nothing is happening, my wife feels guilty and eventually we find a time when all is right in the universe and we can have super hot, super kinky sex.

I feel guilty for the crankiness and my wife feels guilty for the lack of sex.  But it’s life.  For my part I understand that she works hard and sometimes just would rather get extra sleep than sex and now school is out and the kids are up late, etc.  But sometimes it just feels like apathy.  That’s the hard part.  

I know she feels guilty as well, and I do my best to let her know that I understand her dilemma.  

So, two nights ago we had some hot action go on and in the end I was left denied (although I did ask to be allowed to finish by myself in another room and my wife told me I could, but then I decided to wait) and last night when I offered to ease the stress of my wife’s long hard day, a very long, hard day, I was told she would rather rest, but that she would take me up on my offer tonight.

While things have gone very well since the end of our official Arrangement (in general) I’ve been curious as to my wife’s opinion about the matter lately.  I’ve been thinking of bringing it up, but the occasion hasn’t really presented itself.

Frankly, there are many, many things floating around in my head that I’d love to ask my wife that the situation just never seems to arrive.  One of them is about the guy Nick, who had the 10″ cock in college that she slept with because he had a 10″ cock.  I’m curious how he measures up to the big purple dildo.  And, of course, I get off on the little bit of humiliation.  So, I don’t ask because I’m just being greedy.  She would get nothing out of it.

Anyway, today I though, I wonder if my wife misses anything from the former Arrangement?

Now, remember, she ended it, not me (although I had pretty much quit doing a good job which helped her agree that it wasn’t that great any more).

So I thought, should I ask her?  Would it be smart?  What’s the point?  We mostly do all the same stuff anyway, it’s just that none of it is a “Rule” and we have agreed that we are “equal” in opinion and that she shouldn’t have to make all the decisions…

Really, the change from ending the Arrangement hasn’t been that drastic.  It was an acceptance that we no longer had a 24/7 power exchange relationship, but most of that power exchange remained because it existed prior to our Arrangement.

I digress.

Fast forward to tonight.

I ask my wife if she would like me to rub her feet after we had dinner.  She eagerly agreed.  I rubbed her foot and calf quite thoroughly, or so I thought, until I asked for her other foot.  She responded that I wasn’t done with her first foot yet.  It had already been about half an hour.  I thought I was done.  Wrong.

So then we were distracted by children having to go to bed and bedtime things before I could again rejoin my wife.  At this point she was folding clothes but almost done so I couldn’t help.

As she finished I asked if I could rub her other foot.  She told me she was going to bed.

Here is where the trickiness of our relationship (lately, at least) comes in.  She didn’t say, “no”, and she didn’t say, “yes”.  She said she was going to bed.

So she gets ready for bed and asks me to bring her some water.  I do that.  Then I leave momentarily to brush my teeth (in case I get lucky).  When I get back I sit on the bed and she tells me how tired she is.  I prepare myself for disappointment, and honestly at that moment I wondered why she even bothered to hint at sex the previous night.  So I ask if she still wants me to rub her other foot and she is eager to agree.  As she pulls her leg from under the blanket I see she isn’t wearing panties.

I’m still in my clothes (and wearing my device which I’m sure she knew and we haven’t really talked about in a while) and she guides me as I rub her foot and calf.

As I massaged her I wondered where it would lead.  I was still fully clothed (and in a chastity device that was holding back a straining erection).  As I rubbed her feet I offered to get her toys.  Why wouldn’t I?  It seemed appropriate.  She told me not to stop as I kept rubbing.

When she was done with the foot massage I thought I was done for the night.  That’s when she asked for the toys.

My tongue is not very long.  I’m not surprised how sore it gets from her workouts.

Tonight she told me she wouldn’t need my cock, but felt sorry for me, I guess, at the end and I got to have a turn.

Of course, before that she enjoyed the combination of my tongue, her vibe and the big purple cock for about an hour.  She was almost funny every time she wanted stop and get sleep, but instead she would push that dildo deeper and tell me where to lick.

As we wound down something came up.  As she, after much consideration, let me make love to her, she started telling me how lucky I was.  I agreed quickly and started thanking her for everything  that had gone on not only that week but over the past few months.

How did it end?

My wife started asking tough questions, like, “why don’t I rub her feet more often”?  “Why have I let my service go downhill”?  “Why aren’t I holding you to higher standards?”

She told me she is starting again tomorrow.  I’m really not sure what this means, but I’m afraid it’s a “be careful what you wish for” moment.

Positive Changes

I mentioned previously some of the stress we recently went through.  It was a good stress, though.  Our house had been damaged so insurance basically paid for a remodel.  Since then we’ve been trying to make more positive changes in our lives.  One of these changes is my wife starting a side business and expanding her consulting work (on top of her regular job).  She was on the fence about taking these steps until I told her I was here to help.  That’s when it clicked for her.  I’m basically going to be her employee.  The new side business will benefit greatly from the myriad of contacts I have.  She was a reluctant joiner to social networking, but I’ve been involved since the start, so I’ve got quite a list of contacts.  The expansion of her consulting will essentially be her training me to do the work she is already doing which she will check and approve before sending back to the clients.

One of the goals we have set is that the income created from these two new sources will make it possible for me to quit my part time job and be at home full time, which would of course lead to me being able to do more work on the other jobs.

I find it interesting that even though we are no longer in our “Arrangement” we are finding more ways to be wife led.  Long before we stopped my wife told me that some of the changes we had made in our lifestyle could probably never revert back.  Looking back now it’s obvious.  I have my daily list of chores, not that she gives them to me, just that I’m the one that cleans and does certain jobs.  If she sees something that she wants to be done she tells me.  In the bedroom it’s the same as it was before, maybe even kinkier.  I think the difference is she is enjoying herself more because she doesn’t look at it as another thing she has to do.  Now it’s just life.  We have no set of rules that we are trying to follow, we are just doing what feels right.  Most of the time that seems to coincide with our former arrangement without having to have an arrangement, if that makes any sense.

So, how will this change things?  I don’t know.  She is already the main source of income for us and now I’m her employee.  She’s the boss at home and at work, which seems to now be the same thing.  

Speaking of changing things, she has also brought up the prospect of expanding the family.  A few years ago I would have agreed right off, but now I’m the one worrying about how it would effect us.  We are still discussing it, and I’m not outright against it, but right now I seem to only be remembering all the stress involved with child rearing.

She first brought up the idea a couple of weeks ago.  It was time to remove her birth control ring and somehow it had disappeared, so for a couple of days she worried she might be pregnant.  It was a mystery until last night.  

Monday night we had some pretty hot but vanilla sex.  Well, she had me talk dirty to her while she used her mini vibe, which was unusual.  She seemed to enjoy listening to me talk about the last time we’d had sex and she used her purple cock and only let me make love to her as an afterthought. As I made love to her she told me to enjoy it because the next time she was going to be fucking her purple cock again.

Last night was big purple cock night.  She pulled out her vibe to get started and put my tongue to work right away.  She had me lick her while she stuck her vibe in her pussy.  I have to admit I was a little distracted by the thought that it would chip my teeth if I wasn’t careful.  The it was time for the purple monster and more tongue work.  As I licked her and fucked her with that giant cock we solved the mystery of the disappearing birth control ring.  It would appear that the purple monster is big enough to push it out.  This made my wife laugh and brought a pleasant little wave of humiliation.  After that my wife pushed me out of the way and fucked herself while using her vibe.  I was just getting in the way.

She finished and pulled the sheets over herself as I slowly masturbated.  Again, I couldn’t help myself and had to ask her if she was able to go a little longer.  She considered it a moment and pulled the sheets aside.  I slid inside her and made love to her for a few minutes, but the dildo had stretched her out and she was quickly becoming too dry.  She said she was willing to let me go longer, but I could tell she was done so I thanked her and rolled off.

We sat and talked a bit and she laughed again about the birth control ring.  She said there should be a warning on the box about the danger of fucking a big cock.  I didn’t say it, but I thought about the guy she fucked in college with a dick that big.  It wouldn’t a very good birth control if she was fucking him now.

Well, that’s enough time spent blogging.  I’ve got to get to work around the house!

Steady Progress

Things have continued along at this same pace.  I think not having a set of rules (the “Arrangement”) is just right for now.  There are expectations, but no rules.  My wife seems to also be learning more about herself, her wants, needs, desires and limitations.  We were speaking last night about the difficulty she is having deciding whether or not to start a side business or even possibly two.  When I told her I would be more than willing to help her out she seemed a little more at ease and even a little excited at the possibilities.  But she also realized that she is terrible at making big decisions like these.  I pointed out several other instances over the years where she froze up the same way not to be negative, but to point out that her careful consideration is a good trait, but we have missed opportunities because of her hesitation.  It’s time to take a chance.  I told her that in the Art of War there is a saying that making the wrong decision is better than making no decision.  You can not win if you don’t try, essentially.  If you make the wrong move you can make another move to fix it.  She saw the logic and I think we are going forward on at least one of the two options (of course this could change any minute depending on her getting cold feet again).

For the most part I’ve continued to keep up with my usual chores and my wife has prioritized some of my tasks to her liking.  I guess that has replaced my old “Assignments”.  She also seems to be more willing to point out her displeasure when she thinks I haven’t been doing enough.

As well as things are going, and despite the fact that I’m trying to take it slow this time, I found myself once again in a selfish head space.  Last week my wife just wasn’t feeling great and all sexual advances were spurned.  I don’t believe I showed any negative reactions in front of her, but once again I let my feelings of neglect get the better of me one night.  Of course I felt guilty the next day and did my best to make up for it by doing extra jobs around the house.

But I wasn’t the only one left completely horny and ready for action.  This week my wife felt much better and told me to join her in bed Tuesday night.  I got her toys and while I got undressed she used her vibe on herself.  I laid next to her and she spread her legs, one thigh covering my growing erection preventing me from touching it.  I then went down on her and it soon became clear she was feeling more frisky than normal.  She began grinding on my tongue and soon was raising her hips until I was licking her bottom.  She pushed me away and told me she need a big cock inside her and grabbed her dildo.  I then licked her  and the dildo which sent her over the edge.  I knelt back between her legs and slowly stroke myself as she then used the vibrator and dildo together, all the time telling me how much she loved her big cock and how good it felt to get fucked by such a big cock.  She compared it to mine and told me mine was nice, but nowhere near as big.  She came multiple times all while talking about her big cock as I slowly masturbated.  When she was done she told me I could cum.  I was surprised as I hadn’t had a chance to enter her and I can’t remember the last time she allowed me to cum when I wasn’t inside her.

I asked if I could enter her and she considered it a moment.  She decided it would be ok and I moved above her.  As I entered her she continued to talk about the “big cock” and how it stretched her out and how she could barely feel me.  She continued to taunt me and asked me how it felt.  I told her I never felt her so loose and wet and she responded that it’s because the “big cock” made her cum so many times. The teasing continued until I came and she giggled.  She told me to take care of her big cock and let her get some rest.  She never referenced the dildo so many times and used to refer to it as the Purple Monster.  Now, apparently, it’s her “Big Cock”.

As I left the room my head was spinning.  She really blew my mind.  The humiliation was intense and obvious and I loved it.  I also realized she had originally not intended to let me fuck her at all.  She used my tongue, but the only cock she had was the dildo.  Although the feeling of being inside her was amazing I suddenly wished I had done as she intended and just masturbated to completion in front of her.

The next morning my tongue was so sore I could barely speak.  I was pleasantly surprised that even though we had amazing sex the night before I was again summoned to the bed room.  As usual she started with her vibe and then moved on to my already sore tongue.  When she was satisfied with my licking she told me that the “Big Cock” had worn her out the night before and that she was ready for my smaller cock.  I told her how sore my tongue was from the workout she had given it and she replied, “good”.  I made love to her slowly at first until she encouraged me to fuck her harder.  Of course I couldn’t last very long at that pace so she had me stop and had several more orgasms with her vibrator while I held still inside her.  She told me she was done for the night and I rolled off her.  She allowed me to masturbate a few minutes with the stipulation that I couldn’t shake the bed.  Knowing the futility of that I thanked her but left her to get her rest.

She never ceases to amaze me.

Getting back into the groove

Over the last three weeks or so we seem to have gotten back into a nice groove.  I feel like I’m back in a head space where I’m getting everything done as a good house husband should and my wife has been more “aggressive” in having me work or fetch things for her while she relaxes.

I think it really was set into motion a week ago.  Thursday night seems to have replaced Sunday as obligatory sex day.  Of course part of what set our whole arrangement in motion years ago was the idea that she shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex with me if she wasn’t in the mood, but over time we discovered that if she doesn’t set aside time for sex than often it won’t happen at all.  She also figured out that 99% of the time she may not be in the mood, but once she turns on her vibe she gets there in a hurry!

So, we’re having fun in bed, doing the usual things, and I let her know I’m close.  I’m not exactly sure if I should stop or not because although I had asked her a few weeks before to take over control of my orgasms again it hasn’t really been an implicit agreement and so far she had not exercised the right of refusal.  Of course, the other times she encouraged me to orgasm, so that could be looked at as controlling them, but I wasn’t really at a point where I thought we could really discuss it.  I thrust hard into her a couple of times and stopped for a break.  After a moment she pushed me down and was soon grinding on my face.  Then she added the purple monster to the mix and came again.  As she pulled it out I went to enter her again and she seemed surprised.

“You didn’t cum inside me”, she asked?

“No.  Can I enter you again”?

“I’m done.  I had a bunch of great orgasms.  I thought you had cum already so I had you go down on me again”, she said as she got up to go to the bathroom.  I laid on my side of the bed and stroked myself slowly.  “You may continue, though”, she said as she closed the door.

When she returned I was still slowly stroking myself wondering where this was going to lead.

“OK, you’re done”.

Cue subspace.

It was the first orgasm denial she had practiced in I don’t know how long and it seemed to really get us both going.  As I said I hadn’t been sure about the orgasm control, but I stopped masturbating again anyway, so it was the first time I had gone a week in a long time as well.  

All through the next week she became more dominant outside the bedroom.  She asked me what my plans were for around the house (outside my normal cleaning duties) and I told her of two projects that I wanted to get done.  She informed me that she didn’t care as much about those projects and gave me two projects she wanted to get done.  She also had me cater to her needs much more and even began being a bit more open in front of our kids again.  At dinner one of our boys asked for seconds and my wife replied, “Your father will be happy to get that for you” and she gave me a very sexy look.

Last Monday night I was all over her, practically begging for sex.  Her response was, “anticipation makes it better, doesn’t it” and went to bed.

I didn’t have to wait for Thursday this week.  Apparently the anticipation was too much for her as well and she took me to bed Wednesday night.  After warming up with the vibe to a nice orgasm she pulled me on top of her.  I opened my mouth to speak and she told me “No talking”.  After a minute or so, not very long at all she said, “This isn’t really doing it.  I need the purple monster”.  I reached over and got it and got it wet for her.  I inserted it and raised myself over her as if it were me inside her, not it.  After another orgasm she took it out and used my mouth until she was too sensitive from multiple orgasms.  After a short break she had me enter her again.  “I really needed that big cock inside me”, she teased.  I told her I could feel how it stretched her out, being so much bigger than me.  She then encouraged me to cum, teasing me and telling me she wanted to feel it.  When I did she told me, “that was nice” and rolled over.  “Take care of those toys and bring me a glass of water”, she said with out looking at me, and I did.

So, I think it’s been a great few weeks.  I think we both really enjoyed getting back into the groove, but I’m not going to push things.  Right now it’s probably best to just see where it takes us instead of either of us trying to steer it.

Selfish

I think the worst of our rough last six months or so is finally over.  Our life should be getting easier to manage and we are in our nice, newly remodeled home (although the unpacking will continue to go on for a while).

At least we that’s how it should be.  My wife asked me what was on my mind recently and told me she thought I seemed distant and that we seemed to be growing apart.  I told her I didn’t really have anything on my mind other than sex and that I didn’t feel like we were growing distant.

I thought about it the next day and that night I proposed what may be the problem.  I’ve got a new job and right now I only work Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  However I work almost all day those days so still put in nearly a weeks worth of work.  Because of this we essentially don’t see each other for three days and even in our worst of times there was always the fallback Sunday night obligatory sex night which we no longer have.  At this point we started to open up and have our first (formerly known as Arrangement Chat) chat in quite a while.

I started by bringing up the old arrangement and saying we might want to try something different, a new arrangement.

She replied by telling me how incredibly angry she was at me.  She basically vented at me for 30 minutes or so and let out a lot of pent up frustrations.  I acknowledged her frustrations but somehow kept steering the conversation back to sex and my kinks.

Today I feel horrible about it. It was completely selfish of me.  It wasn’t “All For Her” at all.  It was “listen to my kinky desires”.  I told her about how I missed the feelings of humiliation.

Again she responded by telling me how upset she had been.  The night she had mentioned that I seemed distant we were going to have sex.  She seemed hesitant, though.  I was totally horny and being selfish and asked her if she just wanted to have a quickie with her toys.  She went from being hesitant to thinking it was a great idea and brought herself off multiple times while I was stuck in my device feeling desperately horny and completely submissive in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time.  I didn’t even jerk off later (which I’ve been doing plenty of) because I hadn’t experienced those feelings in so long.

So, during our next nights conversation, after I explained the desire for humiliation, she pointed out that she was so mad she didn’t want to have sex with me the night before, and when I suggested her toys she was very happy because she still got to have sex while I didn’t.

Of course, selfish me told her that was perfect!  I got to enjoy the humiliation of her not wanting to have sex with me while she got to have orgasms!

Ugh!

I wasn’t missing her point.  I was just wrapped up in my own selfish, kinky sex world.

So then we had sex.  She used her vibe and teased me while I held up her big purple dildo and showed her how much bigger it was than me.  I asked her if she felt the difference when she used it and she told me, “of course”.  Eventually she let me inside her and stupid, selfish me just went on with my humiliation fetish.  I told her how I wanted to buy a strap on so I could fuck her with the dildo and not my own cock.  She said, “if that’s what you want”.

I lasted much longer than usual (thanks to the jerking off I’ve been doing, I’m sure) and she started to tease me that she was going to make me wait.  That pretty much set me off.  I begged her for another minute and then had a magnificent orgasm.

We then told each other how much we loved each other and she fell asleep.

We spoke briefly today and everything seems fine, but I’m not sure where this is going.

I still feel like an ass for being so selfish, but maybe it needed to be said.

And… back…

And hello again.

Well, the wife decided, way back when, that the arrangement had lost pace with our life.  She was tired of making all the decisions (without denying she enjoyed final call and decisions made) and just needed me to be more of a leader in life and in bed.  The timing was right.  I also felt we needed a change and frankly a change for the “normal”, if there is such a thing.

This didn’t mean everything changed.  Far from it.  But we mostly got rid of the kink in and out of the bedroom.  I made decisions on things that I knew I could do without having to check with her and made them.  I made strong suggestions on other issues I felt needed to be changed but I knew she wouldn’t go along with without her consideration.

All in all we mostly went back to our old lifestyle, save that she still wanted to be catered to often.  If we were sitting watching TV I still got the, “I’d like another glass of wine”, etc.  If coffee wasn’t made I’d not get scolded, but I’d be reminded that I didn’t make coffee and that it was a rough morning because I didn’t make it.

On the other hand we actually had a far rougher time of it in the long run than what had probably initiated the break.  Things went south fast and in hindsight the arrangement was probably destined to be forgotten anyway.

But, as rough as things are now, and they continue to be rough, my wife seems to be leaning more towards our old arrangement.  I’m not going to presume anything, but I think she misses some of the kinkiness, as do I.

We’ve been a little kinkier in the bedroom lately and I’ve finally had some more submissive feelings come to the forefront again, and frankly that has been missing for a long time.

Like my wife (presumably) I wouldn’t want to jump back into our old arrangement.  It’s dated and I don’t think would work for where we are now.

There are a lot of variables that I haven’t gotten into, but I just wanted to be able to post again.  I’ve really missed it.

Anyway, I think if this takes off again it will be with a new mindset.  We will be looking at the whole thing from a different point of view.  It doesn’t make it better or worse, but it will be new and different, while being comfortably the same.  I mean, we will probably do many of the same things, but we will be doing them from a different mental standpoint.  The reasons behind doing the things we may do will not be exactly the same as why we did them before.  And I think that will be fun and exciting.  I look forward to the possibilities.

I think it will be less “kink” oriented, and more “comfort” oriented, and by that I mean comfort for both of us, her looking out for me as much as I look out for her. 

Hopefully I’ll be blogging again soon.

And yet another paradox

I’ve been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now.  They have become worse over the last year and I often have panic attacks while driving.  This is no surprise really, as I’ve had nightmares about car accidents since childhood and I’m also afraid of heights, so a highway overpass can almost shut me down completely.

Because of this I’ve been taking a low dose of Xanax for the past year.  I’d rather not take meds, but because I can’t predict when a panic attack will hit I take a regular dose every day.

I think my wife didn’t really appreciate the severity of a bad attack until she recently witnessed one.  She was a little shaken by how it could completely shut me down (curl up in a ball on the bed for an hour not moving).

Anyway, it appears that she thinks long term orgasm denial may not be helping the situation.  About a month ago she let on to this and told me she was thinking of a new plan.  That night she let me have a release even though we both felt it was a little soon.  Since then it seems to be on a two week basis.

Sunday night she was up late, very tired and a little intoxicated.  Although I’d been hoping to mess around a little I assumed she was headed straight for bed.  As usual I brought her her medicine and a glass of water after she was comfortably in bed.  She surprised me by asking if I’d also brought my “big cock”.

I had.

She played with her mini vibe for a while but it was becoming apparent to me that she’d had to much to drink to reach orgasm.  In our 19 years together I’ve learned to read these things, as you can imagine.  I’ve learned to tell the real thing (which you just can’t fake) from her just trying to get me off.

This is part of what led to our arrangement in the first place.  I didn’t like the idea of her having sex with me because she felt it was her “wifely duty”.

After some time with her vibe, an amount of time that usually would bring multiple orgasms (maybe it brought one), she had me enter her.  It became readily apparent that she wasn’t really getting off and was making lots of sexy moans and groans and comments about my size and how good I felt inside her.  These are the old tactics she used when she wanted to make me cum quickly.

So I was torn.  We were back to square one.  Or are we?

It’s an aspect of our relationship that I didn’t like in the past, but this time it’s different.  She was in control.  She had an agenda.  It had been two weeks since my last orgasm and she wanted to make sure I had another that night.  Regardless of her own enjoyment she took control and had me make love to her and brought me to an orgasm, an orgasm she wanted to make sure I had.

So it’s clearly orgasm control… Right?

I’m not going to think about it too much right now.  I know she’s also fully aware of the lack of intimacy that happened last year and she wants to make sure we don’t let that happen again.  But it’s strange to think that we’ve come full circle, except this time in a different context.

Looks like it’s time for another talk.  I’d like to hear her express her ideas fully and perhaps we can come up with some more options.  If she had ordered me to masturbate to orgasm it wouldn’t have felt so backwards.  I really had mixed emotions over the whole thing.  Clearly the idea of her still being in control of my orgasm won the day, and I once I realized there was no way I was going to make her orgasm first I did my best to “get it over with” for her (although to be honest I contemplated topping from the bottom and trying to draw it out to the point she just couldn’t go on and would give me the double tap letting me know it was over, but I didn’t).

So I guess that’s where we stand right now.  Imperfect, but her choice, so I’ll go with it.  Time will tell how it will work out.

Another year…

So it’s a new year.

Last year was very difficult, but we got everything straightened out in our relationship and ended on a high note.  I ended the year with only 15 orgasms, which you think would be a good thing as I had suggested at the beginning of last year that perhaps I should be limited to 16 for the year, but, as I have previously said it was for all the wrong reasons.

Since our last talk my wife has become more aware of our intimate times and has made sure that even if she is “too tired” or “not in the mood” she makes herself available to intimacy in some way.  Maybe it’s cuddling time or just making sure to let me know that she is looking forward to the next time we are able to be intimate.  This has been very reassuring and has really helped put us on better ground relationship-wise.

I seem to have lost some of my submissive drive again, which does seem to ebb and flow, but I haven’t lost the desire for our dynamic, which is fortunate since my wife has made it clear that she prefers our arrangement and wants to keep it this way.  When we are in bed it’s easy to slip into the submissive mode, but other than that I’ve had to take a little more of a leadership role in the relationship and I think this was needed to help my wife out with day to day things.

This year has started pretty well.  Although money is still tight I’ve gotten some good news on the side business front and there is the potential for some extra cash to be coming in, but more importantly more doors have been opened for future business and possible investments in this side work (hopefully to become the new career).

Things have also improved on the Arrangement front.  My wife has made sure to keep me on my toes (although probably less than at our peak, but we are taking small steps).  I’ve been allowed one orgasm so far this year, but opportunities for sex have been rare (no fault of our own).

We did have a very exciting birthday night for me.  My wife summoned me to the bed room where she had been playing with her vibrator and had just brought herself to an orgasm.  I quickly stripped and joined her in bed.  We made out like teenagers for a bit before she told me she wanted me inside her.  I was a little slow to get an erection so she did something she hadn’t done in… I don’t know… seemingly forever.  She gave me oral sex for a good 30 seconds or so before I had to pull out of her mouth lest I go too far.

That was pretty amazing and I let her know it.  She found it amusing that I couldn’t last that long and teased me about it and about how rare it was that I would get more oral from her.  After composing myself I entered her and she encouraged me to some pretty hard screwing until I again needed a break.  She had me hold still inside her as she again used her vibrator to bring herself to several more orgasms.  She was so loud I worried she’d wake the kids.  She again teased me about how many orgasms she was having and asked if I could feel it (which I could).

She then pulled the old, “do you want to cum”?  Before I could answer she continued, “I know you do, don’t you…”.  As I groaned in response she followed with, “but you don’t want to either.  I know you want both and can’t decide, can you”.  I made some kind of affirmative grunt and she told me that she would have more fun if I had to wait.  She laughed and teased a bit more as I made a few more thrusts before having to pull out being so close to the edge.  I held her close as I trembled in the sub zone.

“Maybe we can have more fun tomorrow night.  Maybe you can fuck me with the big dildo.  Won’t that be fun”?

Again I grunted some kind of affirmative answer as I trembled and thanked her and told her how wonderful she was and how kind she was to me.

“Kind?  I think having so many orgasms and bringing you to the edge and not letting you cum is pretty mean, and I like that”.

Uggghhhh!  Heaven.

Perhaps I should be wearing the device today.  I haven’t done that in a while.