Sweet Release

Ahhhhhhh…

I was given a release last night and I’m so relieved.  I didn’t even realise how badly I had needed it until I was cumming.  I had gotten into that weird frame of mind where I just wanted to keep going and going for weeks without release, but frankly I think I was starting to lose it mentally.  Clearly the orgasm control became more about me and what I wanted than my wife taking control.  Well, last night she took the reigns back and told me to cum while making love to her.  Unlike the last couple of times she told me to I was actually able to cum inside her this time.

When it was over she whispered to me, “Just like it feels good to you to make me cum, sometimes it feels good to me to make you cum”.  I asked her if she came and she said “no, but you satisfied me”.  It’s such a relief and my head feels so much clearer… even if I’m horny as hell anyway and want to cum again soon.

Anyway, tally-wise, that would be orgasm #11 for the year and three weeks since my last orgasm and what an emotional roller coaster it has been.  I’m curious to see what happens next.

A tiny freakout

Sunday night, after a long, mostly fun day, my wife told me to meet her in bed.  I was very eager to join her and soon we were both laying naked next to each other.  I began to kiss her, but she seemed a little… I wasn’t sure, but she wasn’t into it.  I stopped and asked if she was OK and she said she was having a bit of an anxiety attack.  I asked her if she wanted me to stop but she told me it might help her if we just push through it.  We continued to kiss for a while and then I went down on her.  After a bit she let me know she was ready and I moved back up and entered her.  It was wonderful.  She seemed to have moved past her anxiety and seemed to be into it.  I know the area she had her surgery has been very sore so I made sure to keep my chest completely lifted above her as not to put any pressure on her upper body.  After about ten minutes my shoulders and upper arms were tiring out (I need to get back to the gym!) and I decided to go down on her again while my arms recovered.  It turned out that I didn’t need to worry about my arms as she was soon squeezing my head between her thighs and cumming.

As she turned to her side I moved to my part of the bed and slowly started stroking myself.  I looked over at my wife who had her arm across her her face and realised she was upset.  I immediately quit touching myself and asked her what was wrong.  At this point she had a little bit of a freak out.  I don’t remember exactly what she said or the order she said it, but essentially she said that she didn’t like oral sex, there was a problem with my orgasm “schedule”, the timing of our sex is never right, and some other things.  I told her that we could stop it all right now and I’d be fine with it.  She quickly told me no, the arrangement wasn’t the problem.  At that point she started blaming it on herself.  “Anyone else would be happy to get oral sex whenever they want it and not have to give anything back.  Why can’t I be happy with it?”  I comforted her the best I could and she asked if we could talk about it the next day.

Yesterday morning she seemed very happy, but I could tell she was a little worried.  She kept asking me if I was OK and told me that she loved me.  I know she does and I told her I was happy and I loved her too.  I knew she was worried that I’d be upset with her for the previous night.  Of course I wasn’t upset with her, I was just worried about her. 

We ran a couple of errands early in the day and then came home for lunch.  After lunch I prepared for dinner, which would take several hours of grilling on low heat.  While the kids played I sat outside by the grill.  My wife joined me and we talked about the night before.  I again told her that we could stop “doing this” but she told me she didn’t want to stop our arrangement.  She went on to tell me how much better things were this way.  How much happier she was in general, how much less work she had to do, how much she preferred to only concern herself with her own orgasms during sex, “even though it’s selfish”.  I responded, “It’s not selfish if that’s what I want too”, to which she agreed.  She told me the main problem was that she didn’t like oral sex anymore since our youngest was born.  She said her body had changed and maybe it’s also that she is getting older.  I was a bit confused as she seemed to enjoy a lot of oral sex just this week, let alone the last few months. 

“Did you come last night”, I asked.  She told me she did and explained that it’s not that she doesn’t like oral sex, it’s that she doesn’t like to get started with oral sex.  Once we are into it, then she likes me to go down on her.  I have to admit this has me confused, but I think it has her confused as well.  We didn’t come up with any immediate solutions, but I told her I was open to anything and had been trying to think of new things that she might like trying.  I asked her if she might like to start out with her bullet vibe and her dildo.  She wasn’t sure, but I think she is open to try it.  She was never very into her dildo in the past but she told me it was because she had my cock, so why would she use a fake one.  Maybe our arrangement will put a twist on it and it can be sexy for her.

Our talk took place over maybe an hour or so.  Occasionally we’d be interrupted by the kids or one of us would have to do a job related to dinner, so we’d start and stop at various times and pick up in other places.  So after a one of these interruptions I felt I needed to clarify something.  I’ve been a bit worried that the only reason she wouldn’t want to end our arrangement is because of the cleaning, so I assured her that even if we stopped it right now I’d continue to do most of the cleaning since I worked part time and she worked full time.  I assured her I’d still be the “househusband” and that it would just be the “other stuff” that would change.  She thanked me for telling her that, but again told me she loved our arrangement.  She did admit that the extra work I did was a big part of it, but it wasn’t all of it.  She told me about how overwhelmed she was after a youngest was born and how she felt I was adding to her burden instead of easing it.  She feels assured now that she will never have to worry about feeling that way again.  We even talked about me taking on more of the dinner duties.  She loves to cook, but after I surprisedher with dinner earlier in the week and she was able to just come home and relax on the couch while I did everything she has agreed with me that my cooking dinner more often would be better for her.  This will take a little getting used to so we agreed to sit down and work on menu’s and shopping lists together from now on.

Something she wasn’t talking about, but stood out in my mind, was the orgasm control.  I decided to broach the topic.  I told her that I understood if she wanted to stop it, but she told me she didn’t.  She said the problem was that sometimes my orgasm can trigger her orgasm.  She pointed out that in the past, before we were married, we could have sex in about two minutes ending in simultaneous orgasm.  We knew each others triggers so well that we could have “quickies” that left us both totally satisfied.  But, they weren’t really “simultaneous”.  Usually one person’s orgasm triggered the others.  Of course, she can’t predict when this will happen and if I do come and she hasn’t, well that defeats the purpose, doesn’t it.  Now, as confusing as this is, it’s reassuring to know that she still wants to control my orgasms and sees that giving me a release on the off chance it might trigger her own orgasm isn’t really the best solution. 

I explained to her that for me the orgasm control has evolved.  When we first started practicing it the longer I went without orgasms the more difficult it became.  I explained to her how that has now changed for me.  I told her the first week or so was the most difficult as the feeling of orgasm is still fresh in my mind and I think of how great it was to cum once or twice a day whenever I wanted.  I think of how crazy I must be to voluntarily not masturbate.  I continued to explain to her that after about ten days the feelings change.  I get a buzz from not cumming. 

“Like a runner’s high”, my wife offered? 

“Yeah… I guess it would be like what a marathon runner feels”.  I hadn’t really thought about it that way, but it makes sense.  I told her that I understood her confusion about the whole OC thing, and that I’ve kind of been running it myself as she asked me a couple of times if I “wanted” to cum instead of just telling me to cum or not cum.  I told her that it’s because of this buzz I get from wanting to go longer.  I admitted that I didn’t want to cum until at least the 27th because that would make it three weeks between orgasms.  I went on to further tell her that frankly I didn’t want to cum for the rest of the month, and had been tempted several times to ask her to make me wait until fathers day, which would make it about five weeks between orgasms.  She seemed pretty amazed by this, and I told her that it was confusing for me as well, but often that’s how I felt.  I told her the problem with it was that I shouldn’t really be deciding when to cum and when not to cum.

I think we left this topic up in the air.  Hell, I think we left it all up in the air, except for the fact that my wife doesn’t have any intention of ending our arrangement.  It will just have to continue to evolve.  I have an idea about OC that she might like.  I didn’t bring it up with her, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while.  Actually, I was thinking about it in the context of a sexy OC story, but now I think I’m going to offer it as a suggestion to my wife.  First, for the story, I had the idea that a guy agrees to have his orgasms on the 15th and 31st of every month.  Of course when he agrees to it he isn’t in the proper frame of mind to realise that only seven months have a 31st day.  So, for nearly half the year he only has one orgasm a month.  Sexy.  For my wife and I it wouldn’t be very practical since we quickly discovered that trying to plan a specific release date usually didn’t work.  Maybe I would be at work.  Maybe she wouldn’t be in the mood.  Maybe she’d be out of town.  Either way, it’s not as sexy for us to have a specific day.  So, perhaps we could agree that months with 31 days I would have two orgasms whenever she wanted, and months with fewer days I’d only be allowed one, whenever she wanted.  This is actually a bit scary, but sexy at the same time.

I think the last problem we talked about was timing.  She told me she is horny in the afternoon, either while she is at work or on the weekends when the kids are around so we can’t do it.  On top of that, when we are able to have sex at night, she is often too tired or has had a few drinks.  So, it seems that timing is against us right now. 

I’m sure we hit on some other points, and I think we probably will talk about it some more, but my wife felt better in general having talked about it and thinks that it probably will make her more relaxed and receptive in general.  I hope so, but if not I’m sure we’ll work it out.  If nothing else it seems to have given her a little bit of a charge to her Dominant side as I woke up this morning to an email giving me a list of assignments for the week, none of them very pleasant.

Yay!

Bits and pieces

I am so freaking horny right now.  It’s pretty unbelievable.  I feel like a total stud because my wife has used me to get herself off three out of the last four nights with no orgasms for me.  I’m so happy that my wife is able to enjoy herself and doesn’t have to worry about me because she knows that it feels great to pleasure her.  Her orgasm is my orgasm!  My blue balls are a badge of honor!

Wednesday evening we were out eating a fast food restaurant and the kids were playing in the indoor playground and my wife and I had a quick chat.  As discreetly as possible in a crowded restaurant we talked a bit about how things were going in our arrangement.  I told her that I knew I’d been slacking a bit and that I was going to try improve on that.  She told me she’d noticed but had been too busy with her job to issue me orders regularly (which she shouldn’t have to do).  I know this all started when I got depressed after losing my last job, but I really need to get myself back into shape.  Literally.  I’ve also stopped going to the gym, I’ve been drinking too much, I haven’t been eating as well… etc.  So, this is something I need to correct and get myself back to where I was in terms of life in general which I’m sure will reflect in my househusband duties as well.

Anyway, this quick little discussion assured me that there is no backsliding of the arrangement, and that my wife continues to grow in her confidence.  As if to emphasise this point to me she told me to go into the “playground” area and tell the boys we were leaving in five minutes.  No “please”, no “thank you”, no sweet voice.  She told me what to do in a matter-of-fact way.  She was so matter-of-fact that she was almost rude.  I was a bit taken aback at first, but quickly jumped up to tell the kids.  After the initial shock of her order I was a bit embarrassed and excited.

Oh, yeah.  I also admitted to her that I liked kneeling for her.  She seemed pleased with that.  I haven’t really done anything about it yet, but maybe we can work in a little ritual or something.  That could be a lot of fun.

OK.  I guess that’s it for now.  Just little bits and pieces today.  Time to be productive! 

Helping the Wife Relax

Yesterday was very stressful, but in a regular day kind of way.  My kids just did not want to listen and attempted to manipulate me to get what they wanted which, of course, made me extremely angry.  They ignored everything I said to them which led to a lot of yelling on my part.  I wasn’t feeling like such a great dad.  But, that happens now and then.  The kids for whatever reason decide to do only things that get them in trouble sometimes.

My wife came home from work feeling quite stressed as well.  I guess it’s a good kind of stress.  She’s got a lot of work to get done and feels a lot of responsibility.   As I got dinner ready for the family she told me about her day and how tense she was.  I offered to help her relax later and she told me she was planning on it. 

After dinner I ran to the grocery store as we were low on milk and my wife put the kids to bed.  When I got home it was clear they had continued to do things to get themselves in trouble and my wife was exasperated.  Eventually the kids got to sleep and we relaxed and watched TV as we folded laundry and had a few drinks.  She only asked me to get things for her a couple of times and I was more than happy to get them.  But it felt as if she was having to “work” at asking me.  I’m grateful for any amount of being “Wife Led”, so I’m not complaining, but before I lost my last job everything seemed to flow so easily.  I know I’ve been a bit lax on my end of the arrangement.  I wondered if perhaps we were taking a bit of a back slide.  I wasn’t too worried, but it did cross my mind.

As it got later I thought about the massage I was going to give my wife to help her relax.  I was looking forward to it and wanted to make it as relaxing and enjoyable as possible.  My wife told me she was ready for bed and on her way to the bedroom looked at me and pointed in the direction of bed letting me know she expected me there as well.  I let her get ready for a few minutes before joining her.  When I entered the room I was surprised and excited to see her waiting naked for me on the bed.  I quickly undressed and joined her.  I rolled to my side and we began kissing… heaven.  I took care to avoid the area of her incision from the surgery.

After a few minutes my wife stopped me and asked if I wanted to “use my tongue” on her.  I told her “yes” and she replied, “good, because that’s all you’ll be using tonight”.  With that I drifted into subspace and went down on her.  I seemed to have a bit of a difficult time figuring out the right pressure though.  I started light and she would pull my head in, but then she would pull away, as if it were too much pressure.  After a bit she gently pushed my head away and asked for her mini vibe.  I got it for her and she immediately found the right amount of pressure her self.  I was in another world as I watched this tiny little vibrating bullet pleasure my wife.  I kissed her hands and her thighs and envied an inanimate object.  I licked around the vibe as my wife came to an orgasm.  She turned the vibe off and I rolled to the edge of the bed as she lay in orgasmic bliss. 

I slowly masturbated while she lay next to me.  I didn’t want to interrupt her and ask for permission to masturbate, but I couldn’t keep my hands off myself.  Apparently she was pleased as she looked over at me and turned the vibe back on and put it back to work.  As we both got closer to orgasm I had to slow down.  I could hear her getting closer and I felt like I was going to explode so I had to let go in frustration.  This seemed to push her over the edge as I could hear her cumming again.  After a moment she told me to go down on her again.  She told me how wet she was, which was very apparent to me.  God I wanted to put my cock inside her!  But, no, that was not what she wanted from me.  Soon enough she was squeezing my head between her thighs as she came for the third time.  She sprawled across the bed so I rolled off to kneel on her side of the bed.  Although I was in subspace I was a little worried she would be put off by my kneeling, but I stayed there trying not to over-think things and just let things happen.  I guess I didn’t need to worry.  When she had recovered enough to talk she turned to look at me and I could see the lust in her eyes.  It looked like a lust not just for sex, but for her power over me.  At that moment she really seemed to be in “Dom space”.  She brushed her hand across my chest, dropped the mini vibe into my hand and ordered me to get her water, her cell phone and a clean sheet.  I was in a blissful state as I staggered to get dressed.  As I put my clothes on she lounged on the bed watching me and again telling me how “wet” she was.  She seemed to be teasing me as my shorts were tented by my erection that remained untouched by her.  When I was dressed I hurried to get her things for her.

I got to finish that wonderful night by mopping the kitchen floor and bleaching the kitchen sink with an erection and a severe case of blue balls.  I couldn’t have wished for more!

Karmic Rebound

Things are continuing to get better.  My wife is steadily improving from her surgery and although there is still soreness she has slowly started going back to the gym and has altered her workout so that she can exercise without putting stress on the effected area.

I’ve started my new job and I have to say that I love it.  It’s a good thing I believe in Karma, because if I didn’t I would have completely lost it a few weeks ago when things were looking so bad.  But I knew there would be an upturn, and this new job is it.  It was clearly meant to happen this way.  I don’t know why there had to be a period of stress for as long as there was, but this new job is already so much better than my old job, and I loved that place!  This is how crucial the timing was for all of this to happen.  When I walked in to apply I was told there were some lower positions available (which I was fine with) but a spot might be opening up for me in the future.  A few minutes later the manager came back and told me I filled out enough info on the application and informed me that a position had opened up while I was there!  WOW!  If I had gotten there 15 minutes later that position would have gone to another employee there (and probably should have anyway). 

This new job is laid back, relaxed, stress-free, drama-free (from what I can tell so far), everyone is helpful and friendly and it is smoke free.  As much as I loved my last job, it lacked almost all of that.  I loved my old job for sentimental reasons, not actual work reasons, and the money was good.  Oh, yeah, I’ll also be getting a base pay of more than double my old job, although most money will still come from tips.

Wow, what a relief it is to be employed again, especially at someplace to cool.

With all these situations improving, we still dug ourselves into a decent sized hole while I was out of work, so it will still be a bit until we are in the clear again, but in the mean time we are both happy to be healthy and employed, lol.  We are also very busy with activities for our kids.  Saturday we had kids activities in the morning and I got a couple of hours rest before having to go in to work, and returned late at night.  I also worked Friday night.  Sunday morning after my wife and kids returned from an outing I was cleaning up a bit in the kitchen.  My wife looked around at the mess and said, “I miss my househusband”.  It was a joke, and I had commented on the fact that because I’d been so busy I hadn’t been able to clean as much as I normally would.  We talked about it and I said I’d probably have to adjust my schedule a bit as I clearly wouldn’t be able to clean the shower on Saturday nights anymore.  As I get used to my new work schedule I’ll be able to shift around my house cleaning schedule to fit in better.

My wife seems to be getting a little friskier now that her recovery is coming along, but we still haven’t been intimate since she gave me my last release twelve days ago (bringing me to 10 orgasms for the year).  I’ve been trying not to pressure her, while reasurring her that I think she is so beautiful and sexy.  She tried on some new clothes to show me last night and I wanted to jump her as she modeled a new dress.  If it hadn’t been for our oldest being in the room I may have been tempted to make a move.  I told her that it was a good thing he was there or else I might have “jumped her”, and her response was, “…or a bad thing”.  So, maybe she’s starting to get more in the mood again.  I sure hope so.

As we watched a bit of TV before bed she turned to me and said sweetly, “would you do something for me”?  “Of course”, I answered.  Her voice became more stern as she told me to get the foot lotion and rub her feet.  I did and I thought I had done a wonderful job.  As I finished the first foot I asked if she enjoyed it and she told me to keep working on it and directed my rubbing.  When I finished the second foot she got up to go to bed.  “That was nice”, she commented.  I told her I’d rub her feet whenever she wanted.  “I know.  I wanted it.  I asked for it.  I got it.  I enjoyed it.”  With that she left for bed.

Sigh.  How wonderful.

Busy Busy

It’s been a long week, well, not even a week yet, but it feels like it.  Thursday my wife had surgery done.  It was a day surgery, thankfully, and she was only there a few hours, but she still had to recuperate and couldn’t do too much for a few days.  Because of this I had a lot of extra work to do, which made me realise how much my wife really does.  Even with all the things I was already doing, I realised that my wife still helped out plenty.  Granted, I do almost all of the cleaning, but when I had to do things that she normally does as well… man, I’m worn out!  I don’t think I could do everything all the time around here. 

Anyway, my wife is recovering very well.  Although I was doing a lot more work while she was recuperating, it wasn’t really in a WLM way.  I was just doing what anyone would have to do in that situation (although I guess if we had family nearby they would have come to help).  Last night as we were relaxing before bed and watching TV she did have me get up to do things for her, though, which was nice.  Today she has gone back to work and hopefully we can get back to our regular routine soon.

Last Wednesday night, the night before her surgery, she granted me a release.  In anticipation of there being a dry spell after her surgery, she wanted to make sure we both had orgasms.  So we went to bed fairly early and “messed around” for quite a while.  After giving her a nice big orgasm that left her shuddering she encouraged me to cum.  Now, I don’t know if it’s pressure, or that I’ve been working on endurance for so long now or what, but once again I just couldn’t cum when she wanted me to.  I could feel how close I was, but then I started thinking that she was uncomfortable and getting too dry and I started worrying about her.  I asked how she was and she said she was fine and I told her I was close but after another minute or so she told me to stop because by that point she was too dry.  She had me roll on my back and I masturbated for her.  Shortly before orgasm I asked if I could kneel for her and she said yes. 

After I came and cleaned myself up I laid next to her in bed.  I thought about what had happened, meaning why I couldn’t seem to cum inside her when I was so close to the edge.  I think in the back of my mind I have thoughts about how I shouldn’t make her “messy”.  It’s almost like it should be a special privilege for me to be allowed to cum inside her.  I don’t think she would agree with that, and I’m not entirely sure that’s why I wasn’t able to cum inside her, but these thoughts did occur to me afterwards.

Anyway, hopefully we’ll be back into our routine soon.  In the meantime I’ve got some blogs to catch up on!

Whew!

I just knew things were about to turn around!  I went out Friday afternoon and finally found a new job.  Amazingly enough they were going to start me at a lower position until a spot opened up, but while I was there a position opened up for me!  To top it off I just got a response from another part time/flexible hours gig a few minutes ago!

Yay!

We went out to an inexpensive restaurant Friday night to celebrate.  We were both so relieved.  It really made for a wonderful weekend.  We were fairly busy all day Saturday and we were both pretty worn out by the end of the day.  As my wife went to bed she pointed out that I hadn’t changed the sheets as she’d instructed me to do the day before.  I apologised and promised to do it first thing in the morning (I’d completely forgotten).  She then asked me if I was horny, to which I replied something along the lines of, “ohmygod, ohmygod, yes”!  She replied, “well, you’ll have to wait a little longer”.

So, as I awoke Sunday morning to a nice quiet house (she took the kids out and let me sleep in) I immediately took the sheets off the bed and put them in the wash.  I set about doing some other chores as well.  I got a call from my wife letting me know she was on the way home and asked me if I’d finished all the jobs she had listed for me on a piece of paper she had put on the kitchen table.  I admitted to her that I hadn’t even seen it, but that I had been doing jobs and that I’d get on her list right away.  Luckily her list pretty much coincided with what I’d already been doing, so my wife wouldn’t have been disappointed. 

Once again it was a jam packed day and I got a lot accomplished including a fairly large sized job my wife had added to my list.  The kids went to sleep without too much trouble, which was nice, and my wife and I watched a little TV before she had to call it a night.  As I went to tuck her in she asked me to join her in bed and in moments I was stripped and laying next to her.  She went right to work instructing me to go down on her.  When she was ready I heard, “Now give me your cock”.  The sex was amazing.  I can’t remember the last time it felt so good, but I really wanted it to be amazing for her as well.  I asked if she wanted her bullet vibe and she said “yes” and I quickly got it for her.  She used it on herself and I added my tongue to the mix.  Then she used it some more while my cock was inside her.  She put the vibe down and ground herself into my cock and had an orgasm.  I slid off to her side thinking she was probably exhausted and ready to sleep.  I looked down and she had opened her legs a bit so I took a chance and went down on her.  She opened her legs wider and started riding my face.  After a minute or so she squeezed my head between her thighs as she had an enormous orgasm.  As she drifted in her post orgasmic bliss I slowly began to masturbate.  She turned to face me and told me how she’d never had an orgasm like that one before and how she hadn’t expected me to go down on her after her first orgasm.  She told me how much she loved my cock and how wonderful I was, all the while I was slowly masturbating.  She could tell I was getting close to the edge and asked if I wanted to cum.  It’s always strange getting asked a question right before you are about to orgasm.  Your brain is turned off and it’s hard to get it started again, like an old computer.  Instead of just saying yes I thought of the incomplete and half-assed jobs I’d done recently and admitted that I didn’t think I deserved one yet.  She agreed and told me I’d have to wait.

It was such a wonderful night.  I am so glad I got the chance to please her and glad that she was able to have such amazing orgasms.  Nothing makes me feel more like a stud than making my wife cum.  But, as I sit here with aching balls I think to myself, “what the hell were you thinking?!!?!  Your wife is going to have surgery in a couple of days and you may not get another opportunity to cum for a few more weeks!”  D’oh!  Hopefully she’ll want to pack the next few nights full of sex in anticipation of this upcomming dry spell.  I know I do!

Bottom of the barrel

Tuesday night my wife and I were watching TV.  We have both been very stressed, as I’ve mentioned.  I told mentioned to her that while I was checking Craigslist for jobs I saw a call for auditions for a Reality TV show, a show that I had thought of several years ago.  She remembered my telling her about it at that time as well.  Now, I just thought it was kind of funny, but it set her off. 

“Are you purposefully trying to make me even more angry with you than I already am?”, she snapped at me.

I turned red and looked away.  I was really hurt but wasn’t going to argue with her.  She saw how much that had hurt me and felt bad, but continued on telling me why she was so angry with me and how hard she was working and stressed she was and about our money problems.  All I could say is that I was stressed and worried sick (literally) and depressed. 

She apologized for fighting, which I didn’t consider it a fight since we weren’t arguing different opinions.  She just yelled at me because of the added stress we are under.  That’s not really a fight.

She went to bed and I followed to tuck her in.  I sat down next to her and she looked at me and basically told me that the stress and her anger with me has lowered her libido to the point that she is completely uninterested in sex.  I told her I understood and apologized and left the room.

The next morning I felt horrible.  She called and asked how I was feeling and I told her I just wanted to curl up in a ball beneath the sheets and not come out.  I think at that point she finally understood how depressed the situation had made me.  It’s funny that after all these years together she still forgets how I tend to not show my sadness or depression.  I don’t hide the anger and happiness, but I guess I was just brought up by a family that hid it’s sadness, depression and worry.  So, when times are tough she often feels that I just don’t care, when in fact I’m usually horribly worried and having trouble sleeping, etc.

We ended up having a pretty good night.  I guess her realization that I was depressed and worried eased her worry, or at least changed the focus of her worry.  Either way we were both feeling a bit better.

Yesterday morning I figured, well, maybe we should just put this arrangement on hold.  I took a shower and thought to myself, “I just need a good orgasm… why the hell am I denying myself?”  I began to masturbate and as I reached the edge I stopped.  I couldn’t do it.  I thought about my wife not having any sexual desire and thought how unfair it was for me to break the rules without asking her if she wanted to take a break.  I thought of how motivating it was for me to try and find a job.  I won’t be able to please her sexually until I please her emotionally and financially.  This is extreme denial and I should use it, not throw it away!  It’s not like I’m looking at this as a game, but rather trying to look at it through the dynamics of our arrangement.

I also thought of the fact that as soon as we got caught up on bills my wife would be purchasing me a chastity device.  That was it.  The deal was sealed.  I was back in subspace and ready to roll!  I went out and got a lot accomplished and my wife was very pleased.  That night, as I checked email and updated my online calender she noticed the chore of the day was sweeping the office and front hall.  “Did you sweep today?”, she asked as she looked around the office which clearly wasn’t swept.  “Uh, no, I was busy and I can still get it done today”.  Looks like she still has no intention of making any changes to our arrangement, so I’m even happier I didn’t call it off without warning.

I can see things are starting to turn around, and it feels great!