New Routine

Sorry for the long time between posts, but it’s been a busy summer.

My wife and I finally had a (short) conversation about her hinting at starting the Arrangement again and she basically informed me that it was a heat of the moment comment.  Basically, she’s happy the way things are but is enjoying the benefits of the power play in the bedroom.  In the bedroom it’s still “All For Her”.  Lately, it’s even escalated a bit.  I’m sure it won’t last, or at least will cool down a bit, but for now I’m enjoying it.

Essentially, of late I’ve become second fiddle to her big purple dildo, and I’m loving it!

It started one night, as usual, with her playing with her vibe before telling me to go down on her.  In my excitement I expanded my oral ministrations, so to speak.  Rather than be put off, as I was afraid she might be, she encouraged me.  This brought her several orgasms.  She then allowed me a chance to enter her.  I made love to her for few minutes before she again brought out the vibe and told me to stay still.  After another orgasm she informed me she was ready for “Big Purple”.  I excitedly slid out and presented her dildo.  I sat back and watched her and listened to her moan.  I, of course, don’t elicit such sounds.

As she continued to enjoy her orgasms she informed me that I can cum.  In my shock and joy I started stroking myself and in moments came on her thigh.  I immediately licked it off of her as she moaned in bliss.  When she was done she told me to clean up her toys as she left to clean up herself.

The next couple of times we made love it followed the same pattern, but most recently she seamed to focus even more on the pleasures of my tongue in its new territory.  As I licked her I (barely) heard her asking for Big Purple.  I paused to prepare it for her and slowly inserted it.  For the first time she took it all at once.  Before she had to slowly work it deeper over time.  This time it slid right in all the way to the big purple balls.  I continued to lick before she pushed me away and used her vibe.  I sat back and watched again as she enjoyed herself and told me how much she loved “that big cock”.

I leaned over her and kissed her and moaned with her and between orgasms she looked at me and asked, as if it had just occurred to her, “oh, did you want a chance”?\

“Yes, please”, I begged.  She slowly pulled out her dildo, moaning all the time and let me enter her.  I told her I wouldn’t last long, and didn’t.  I could feel how much the dildo stretched her and the thought put me over the edge.  As I rolled off her she put Big Purple back to work and brought herself to one last orgasm.

When she had come down she again told me to clean up the mess and went off to shower.

I love our new routine!

 

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Steady Progress

Things have continued along at this same pace.  I think not having a set of rules (the “Arrangement”) is just right for now.  There are expectations, but no rules.  My wife seems to also be learning more about herself, her wants, needs, desires and limitations.  We were speaking last night about the difficulty she is having deciding whether or not to start a side business or even possibly two.  When I told her I would be more than willing to help her out she seemed a little more at ease and even a little excited at the possibilities.  But she also realized that she is terrible at making big decisions like these.  I pointed out several other instances over the years where she froze up the same way not to be negative, but to point out that her careful consideration is a good trait, but we have missed opportunities because of her hesitation.  It’s time to take a chance.  I told her that in the Art of War there is a saying that making the wrong decision is better than making no decision.  You can not win if you don’t try, essentially.  If you make the wrong move you can make another move to fix it.  She saw the logic and I think we are going forward on at least one of the two options (of course this could change any minute depending on her getting cold feet again).

For the most part I’ve continued to keep up with my usual chores and my wife has prioritized some of my tasks to her liking.  I guess that has replaced my old “Assignments”.  She also seems to be more willing to point out her displeasure when she thinks I haven’t been doing enough.

As well as things are going, and despite the fact that I’m trying to take it slow this time, I found myself once again in a selfish head space.  Last week my wife just wasn’t feeling great and all sexual advances were spurned.  I don’t believe I showed any negative reactions in front of her, but once again I let my feelings of neglect get the better of me one night.  Of course I felt guilty the next day and did my best to make up for it by doing extra jobs around the house.

But I wasn’t the only one left completely horny and ready for action.  This week my wife felt much better and told me to join her in bed Tuesday night.  I got her toys and while I got undressed she used her vibe on herself.  I laid next to her and she spread her legs, one thigh covering my growing erection preventing me from touching it.  I then went down on her and it soon became clear she was feeling more frisky than normal.  She began grinding on my tongue and soon was raising her hips until I was licking her bottom.  She pushed me away and told me she need a big cock inside her and grabbed her dildo.  I then licked her  and the dildo which sent her over the edge.  I knelt back between her legs and slowly stroke myself as she then used the vibrator and dildo together, all the time telling me how much she loved her big cock and how good it felt to get fucked by such a big cock.  She compared it to mine and told me mine was nice, but nowhere near as big.  She came multiple times all while talking about her big cock as I slowly masturbated.  When she was done she told me I could cum.  I was surprised as I hadn’t had a chance to enter her and I can’t remember the last time she allowed me to cum when I wasn’t inside her.

I asked if I could enter her and she considered it a moment.  She decided it would be ok and I moved above her.  As I entered her she continued to talk about the “big cock” and how it stretched her out and how she could barely feel me.  She continued to taunt me and asked me how it felt.  I told her I never felt her so loose and wet and she responded that it’s because the “big cock” made her cum so many times. The teasing continued until I came and she giggled.  She told me to take care of her big cock and let her get some rest.  She never referenced the dildo so many times and used to refer to it as the Purple Monster.  Now, apparently, it’s her “Big Cock”.

As I left the room my head was spinning.  She really blew my mind.  The humiliation was intense and obvious and I loved it.  I also realized she had originally not intended to let me fuck her at all.  She used my tongue, but the only cock she had was the dildo.  Although the feeling of being inside her was amazing I suddenly wished I had done as she intended and just masturbated to completion in front of her.

The next morning my tongue was so sore I could barely speak.  I was pleasantly surprised that even though we had amazing sex the night before I was again summoned to the bed room.  As usual she started with her vibe and then moved on to my already sore tongue.  When she was satisfied with my licking she told me that the “Big Cock” had worn her out the night before and that she was ready for my smaller cock.  I told her how sore my tongue was from the workout she had given it and she replied, “good”.  I made love to her slowly at first until she encouraged me to fuck her harder.  Of course I couldn’t last very long at that pace so she had me stop and had several more orgasms with her vibrator while I held still inside her.  She told me she was done for the night and I rolled off her.  She allowed me to masturbate a few minutes with the stipulation that I couldn’t shake the bed.  Knowing the futility of that I thanked her but left her to get her rest.

She never ceases to amaze me.

Break Time Is Over

Well, the summer break is over.  The kids have been back in school over a week now.  Yesterday my wife seemed to take a little bit of control over the situation and began to re-establish our arrangement.

Now, I know I said I was taking a bit of a break because of the kids being out of school, etc., but my wife has also been under a great amount of stress and the arrangement hasn’t been her highest priority.  So we’ve both kinda let things slip, and the break was probably timely.

Now, it’s not like all the rules were thrown out the window.  I wasn’t sitting around masturbating and letting the house get trashed.  No, I’m still at nine orgasms for the year.  The house did get a bit messier, but in general all the rules were still in place.

Anyway, I recently purchased a new dildo for my wife.  Her old one is 16 years old and was a jelly dildo with a vibrator part on the end.  The vibrator broke years ago so the last third of the dildo was just an empty battery housing inside the dildo that often fell out.  So she really deserved a new dildo.  I had gotten a coupon for 1/2 off from Adam & Eve so I went for it (actually after checking with her).  She let me choose what to get her, however.

I remembered the look in her eyes when we were “window shopping” on the internet and she saw some of the bigger models.  I know I posted about it in the past, but I can’t find it now (here it is).  Anyway, at the time I asked her what size she would want if I got her a new one and she said, “Your size”… then continued, “nothing smaller”.

Right.  Nothing smaller, but bigger is OK I guess?

Long story short, she now has a purple jelly dildo that is 8″ long from the base of the balls and 6 1/2″ in circumference.  She has dubbed it the “Purple Monster“.

Yesterday we had some private time together.  I put on my cock ring and took out her toys.  Having a small collection we have been keeping them in an old Crown Royal bag.  It was just right for the old collection.  Now it has a large set of dildo balls hanging out of it.  Anyway, I spread the toys on my pillow for her and we kissed and held each other for a bit.  Then she pushed me down and put me to work.  After her first orgasm she asked if I could fuck her.  I asked if I could try and she let me.  I didn’t last very long and she had me stop.  She then contemplated her choice of toys.  She grabbed the new dildo and inserted it.  “I don’t think I can get it all in… yet…”, she sighed.  She then grabbed the larger of her two bullet vibes and a look of pure bliss was on her face as it did it’s job.

I trembled as I watched her.  I tried to control myself from thrusting against her leg, I wanted to cum so badly.

When she was finished she allowed me to enter her again.  I was in heaven as I slowly made love to her, but again only lasted a minute or so before telling her I was ready to cum.  I had foolishly assumed that I would be allowed to orgasm as it had been three weeks since my last and it seems like she had been letting me orgasm whenever we made love lately, which sadly has not been often.

“You’re going to have to wait”, she told me as she gave me the tap letting me know she was done.  I asked if I could go down on her again and she replied, “No, thanks.  I came on your face once and on the Purple Monster two times.  I’m good”.

Wow.  She has never put it that way before, “I came on your face”.  It sent shivers down my spine hearing her talk to me like that.  She then told me that she liked the new dildo, but that it would take some time to get used to the size, since she was only used to my size.  I don’t think she intended any kind of slight, but it was just enough to give my humiliation kink a tweak.  She also suggested I find a new home for her toys and suggested that I give the “A team” (Purple Monster and large bullet vibe) a separate home from the “B team” (old dildo and small bullet vibe).  The B team has served her well over the years, but she now has a nice big new fake cock and a bullet vibe that puts out some strong vibrations.  The B team isn’t being retired, just being benched for a bit.  They are the back-up.

The rest of the day was very relaxing and fun.  We had a family movie night before getting the kids ready for bed.  As my wife put away the leftovers from dinner and I cleaned up she asked, “When are you going to bleach the sink?  And the floor needs to be mopped… you are slipping”.

Clearly the summer break is over.  Time to get back to being a good house husband.

Where I’m at

When I started this blog it was to help me work through all the new feelings I was discovering and to relate to people with similar inclinations.  I had realized that I didn’t like when my wife had sex with me because she felt like it was her “wifely duty” and that I much preferred to just give her an orgasm and be left without one myself, than to give her an orgasm and then have her feel like she is obligated to return the favor, even when she would prefer to just roll over and go to sleep.  In the process I also realized that we had been living in a vanilla, but very real Wife Led Marriage.

As my wife came to accept this fact and later embrace her roll as leader of the household we ventured into some kinkier territories.  This was a boon to our sex life, which at that point, after 14 years together, had become pretty routine.  Now it is ANYTHING but routine.  Unfortunately, over the last six months or more it has hardly existed at all.

In the midst of all the kink and hoopla of living a WLM I firmly believed that it was “all for her”.  As my wife and I worked through the many paradoxes of power exchange kink and other issues involved in the WLM we came to understand that while she may be the prime focus it just won’t work unless we are both getting something out of it.  This understanding has led me to where I am today.

Where is that?  Well, it’s led me to feel pretty selfish about a lot of things.  It’s led me to do a lot less for my wife than I have over the past few years.  It’s led me to nearly telling my wife that it just wasn’t working any more.

There is a catch, however.  My wife has made it clear that this is the way things are now.

I have to admit that there are probably two main reasons for my change of attitude.  First would be the lack of sex.  Sexual power exchange is clearly important to me in our WLM and when it’s lacking I feel like something is missing from my life, which I guess it is.

The other reason is that the company my partner and I have been working so hard at becoming self sustaining and profitable requires me to be an Alpha male and it’s hard for me to switch back to a submissive mode when I get home.   Perhaps that works for some high powered executives (if we are to believe the stories) but it doesn’t work to well for me.  Submissive in sex, sure, but it hard to go from running a company and being in charge to scrubbing a kitchen floor and cleaning out the bathroom.

The stress of my wife’s work and the financial stress on both of us also led to my wife being less “dominant” as well, and she recognized this.  But that didn’t mean she doesn’t fully put herself first, unless it is her desire to put me first, which on occasion does happen.  She did try, however.  There have been too many instances where I would catch her saying, “damn, I missed a good opportunity to use my power over you”, or other things of that nature.

The last month or so has been a little different.  She really seems to have stepped it up.  She has been much more demanding of me and has once again used her ability to relax and have me cater to her.  A month or so ago she used me for some hot sex and had multiple orgasms while leaving me wanting.  This past Thursday night she used be for some sex, but kept telling me how she wanted to get a “good, hard fucking”.  She kept teasing me asking if I could do it knowing that I just can’t anymore.  Instead she used my mouth and her dildo to get off.  Eventually she climbed on top of me and verbally teased me until she told me to ask her for permission to cum.  I did and she thought about it before telling me I could (once again waiting nearly 5 weeks between orgasms).

Saturday before I left for work she stopped me and told me I hadn’t sufficiently thanked her my orgasm Thursday night.  She wanted me to give her several more before I left for work to show proper appreciation.  She again reiterated her desire for a “good, hard fucking” and asked me if I could do that for her.  She of course knows the answer and after a few strokes I have to withdraw and orally please her.  She then told me to watch while she brought herself several more orgasms with her toys.  I’m sure she really does want a good hard fuck like I used to give her, but she seems to find it amusing as well that I’ve become a “two pump chump”.  It is a nice erotic humiliation, but frankly I miss the days of feeling like a stud as I would bring my wife multiple orgasms with just my cock.  I think that would take regular masturbation again and since I’ve broken that habit I just don’t really think about it anymore, except the occasions where my wife will tell me to edge myself a few times before bed.  Even then I don’t last very long.  After our Saturday fling she asked me if I thought edging myself a few times that night would improve my stamina for Sunday.  I told her it would likely make no difference at all, and at this point may even decrease my stamina.  She again informed me of her desire to be fucked hard.  All I could offer was to use the dildo on her.  Her reaction could be summed up with, “if that’s what it takes”.

As I left for work I kissed her and thanked her for my orgasm on Thursday.  I also told her it was my seventh for the year.  She gave me her wicked little smile and said I was lucky to have a wife who gave me what I wanted (fewer orgasms).

Yes, it was a “careful what you wish for” moment.  As I’ve said, lately the WLM is not really doing it for me.  Kinky sex?  Sure.  All the rest… hmmm… not so sure any more.  I guess if the kinky sex keeps up it will help me get back into the right frame of mind.  But as I left for work Saturday with an erection that wouldn’t go away I really wanted an orgasm.  I can’t remember the last time I wanted an orgasm more than that.  But my wife left me with the reminder that it would be many weeks before I got another opportunity, and in that time she was planning on having many more herself.

I certainly hope so.

Took a little break

Sorry for the absence.  I needed some time off.

The past few months have been incredibly stressful and to be honest I don’t think my relationship with my wife was ever on rockier ground.  In the fantasy land of FLR it may be sexy when your wife berates you about money problems but in reality it sucks.  Not only that but she has always been supportive of the projects my partner and I work on and out of nowhere she seemed to turn against this pursuit of a dream career and blame financial woes on it.

These weren’t the only problems.  I had issues of my own.  I started having insecurity issues that I have never felt before.  One afternoon as we lay in bed together kissing she basically turned cold and turned and gave me an “it’s not you , it’s me” about not being interested in sex.  Normally that wouldn’t have been a problem.  I understand this about her.  We’ve discussed her libido together.  Not a big deal.  Only it was.  I told her that it felt like I was the problem because if we are in bed together, naked, kissing, she should be aroused by me, so it felt like I was the problem.

I know it wasn’t very nice, and I wasn’t trying to be mean.  She didn’t get angry with me for saying it because she could see how hurt I felt.  Nonetheless it clearly wasn’t “all for her”.

There were other issues as well (I really could write a big long post about it but I don’t want to be too negative) and adding it all up I just decided to let go of the WLM thing for a bit.  That didn’t mean that I started jerking off every day and stopped cleaning the house.  As a matter of fact, to an outsider things might not have seemed very different at all.  The only obvious sign was that I stopped kneeling at bed time when I brought her glass of water and medicine.  I think she took a break as well as she mostly stopped asking me to get things for her.  So, the framework stayed in place but we both just seemed to take a break from the obvious catering duties.

During this break I basically lost all sense of submissiveness and started wondering if it was all over.  Actually, at one point I was pretty convinced it was all over.  It is funny to think back a few weeks debating whether or not to masturbate to orgasm just to prove to myself it was all over.  Of course I didn’t, but at the time it didn’t prove anything to me.  Obviously if I’m not going to masturbate than it isn’t all over, but I couldn’t tell at the time.

Also during this break I stopped wearing my cock ring and/or device.  These are things I just like the feel of and so often wear them.  But I had absolutely no desire to.  That is until a few days ago.  This past weekend I decided to wear my cock ring to work like I usually do but haven’t been.  It felt so nice I decided to wear the device one day.  I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it, I was just going to wear it.  It felt so wonderful I slept with it on.  I know my wife saw it as I slept in and she got up, it’s pretty difficult not to notice through boxer briefs.  She didn’t say anything about it but that day it felt like we were connecting better.

Yesterday I decided to attempt to rekindle a “working” WLM.  After a shower I asked my wife if she wanted to fool around.  She was indeed up for some fun and was quickly undressed.  I stripped down to just the device and got into bed with her toys.  Seeing me in the device she commented, “I see you are in the giving mood today”.  I agreed that I was, but actually started regretting it.  I couldn’t remember how long it had been since my last orgasm, which was also the last time we had sex.  That, unfortunately, was on of the things I quit doing for a while.  Although I never started masturbating I had quit paying attention to my orgasms, or lack there of.

Anyway, after bringing her to her first orgasm she pushed me off to the side as she reached for her dildo.  I then asked if it was too late to change my mind and I was informed that it was.  Instead I was allowed to lick her while she got her fill of the dildo.

I was incredibly horny and shaking with lust.  I don’t remember it ever feeling so frustrating before.  In the past I have been so focused on chastity and orgasm denial that I usually wanted to be made to wait.  This was the first time in I don’t know how long that I just wanted to have an orgasm.

After she had her share of orgasms we lay quietly together.  I asked her if I could be allowed to masturbate a little.  I could not.  I then asked her if it would be OK if I took off the device.  Again I could not.  I guess I pouted a little and that is when she told me, “Don’t pout.  You wanted me to have a bunch of orgasms and I did and it made you happy.  You enjoy making me cum while you are denied”.  She wasn’t bitchy about it, just matter of fact.  And it is true.  Like I said I don’t remember it ever feeling so frustrating, but it is what I like and I’m glad she didn’t just cave and let me do what I wanted.  She took control and enjoyed herself knowing that I enjoy giving her pleasure, and that I also enjoy feeling controlled.

Hopefully this will help get us back on track.  Of course I forgot to set up her coffee last night.  Through our little hiatus I never forgot that.  Get me high on endorphins and BOOM, I forget the most basic things.

Oh, and by the way, I did actually mark down the last time I orgasmed.  I went to check and was surprised to see that I had recorded it.  It has been four weeks.  Thought you’d like to know.

Some Thoughts

Well it’s week seven of chastity/denial.  I seem to have come out on the other side of the subspace that was week five.  I’m feeling mostly “normal” again.  The excitement of breaking my personal best has past and now I’m just looking forward to our little overnight get away coming in a couple of weeks.  There is the promise of an orgasm in my near future, but I won’t hold my breath.  I’m feeling pretty content right now.  We have had some pretty exciting sex over the last several weeks and I know more is in store.  I don’t have to feel anxious about a release as I know one is coming soon and I don’t have that weird “I wish I could wait longer” feeling because I’m feeling pretty good about having gone this long.  I think my wife has also seen how fun this longer term chastity/denial has been and therefore may feel more comfortable about it in the future and that’s an exciting prospect!

I think my edging exercises have been coming along pretty well.  On the one hand I have improved my staying power, but on the other hand it’s still not a very long time.  I’m fairly confident that ‘x’ amount of time masturbating actually will equal a longer amount of time of intercourse.  For one thing I’ve never been one to use lubrication while masturbating, and for another I haven’t really been able to distract myself while masturbating which is something I (as most of us) try to do during intercourse.  Hopefully this theory will hold up (insert sex pun here).

I do feel a little guilty, though.  A few nights ago she forgot to issue me a number of edges and I didn’t remind her.  The reason was that I’d had MASSIVE blue balls for two consecutive days after my edges and was glad to get a break.  I’m not sure how she’d feel about that.  I guess I’ll have to admit it to her this weekend.

One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is my wife’s comment to me about how she doesn’t want to “emasculate” me with things like penis extenders, which I mentioned would help my staying power.  Although we both agreed I don’t need the added size, she still feels like that would emasculate me.  I can understand this, but I’ve been wondering if it’s only the idea of the extender that is the problem and not the end result of hotter sex.  What has led me to wonder this is her enjoyment of keeping me in my device lately while talking about needing a hard cock.  Instead of using me she has used her dildo while I go down on her.  Isn’t that emasculating as well?  I think it’s slightly humiliating in a very sexy way.  I have really gotten off on how she has talked so dirty and sexy about fucking her “hard cock” while I am locked up and providing oral services.  How exactly is this different than my using basically an outer layer of dildo around my cock while I am making love to her?  Perhaps this is a conversation we can return to and she can think about in that context.

I would also like to once again give praise to the awesome service of JT’s Stockroom.  I ordered my wife’s new toys on Sunday which was Valentine’s Day.  Monday was of course a holiday so mail didn’t run.  Despite that I received my order yesterday.  What amazing service!  Thanks, Stockroom!

Mellow Valentine’s Day

We had a pretty mellow Valentine’s Day.  My wife knows I’ve never been a big believer in it.  I don’t need a special day to buy my wife flowers or treat her special.  I try to do that many times throughout the year.  To top it off our wedding anniversary is in the same month so it’s almost silly to have a “fake” holiday come anywhere close to what happens on our very special anniversary day.  Since we’ve already decided that our money will be better spent on bills and our kids school tuition for next year we are just treating ourselves to a hotel and dinner for our anniversary.  This led to us only exchanging cards (and hugs and kisses) yesterday.  Just the way it should be in my opinion.

Last week was a little more exciting.  During the snowstorm that has been rocking the country we lost power for a few hours.  It was late, the kids were in bed and my wife was feeling a little frisky.  I joined her under several blankets in bed wearing only my device as has been the case lately.  After warming up under the blanket (or just getting used to the cold) my wife pulled out her mini vibe.  As per her instructions I had bought and installed new batteries.  After a few seconds it became apparent there was a problem.  I could hear the high vibration rate slowing quickly.  Huh.

I took out the batteries and tried the last three from the six pack.  Same result.  I looked at the batteries and they did look a little “off” so I chalked it up to getting ripped off at the store with old batteries.

After a bit more snuggling I asked if perhaps she would like to substitute me for her vibe until I got more batteries.  She thought about it a moment and then pushed my head under the covers.  After a few minutes I heard, “I need some hard cock”.  Finally, I thought.  Finally I get out of the device and get to make love to my wife.  I lifted my head and started to get out from under the blankets.  Her hand quickly pushed my head back down.  Right.  Not my hard cock.  The dildo.  “Don’t stop, you’re my vibrator.  I like having a hard cock inside me when I use my vibrator”.

That put me over the edge.  I didn’t want to get out from under those blankets ever again.  I was totally lost in subspace as I licked her and the dildo together sending her over the edge.

After a few moments of cuddling I was dismissed.  I gathered the toys and got dressed as I strained against the rings of the gates of hell.  I left the room and went and thought about what an amazing wife I had.

I thought about how amazing it is that she has left me in my device and replaced my cock with her dildo.  I have no doubt this is temporary, so I am enjoying every minute of it.  I’m sure once I am allowed my next release in the next week or so (whenever we get to celebrate our anniversary, which won’t be the day we actually celebrate our anniversary… I know, very complicated) she will probably go back to what we were doing before and will want to use me more than the dildo.  For now it’s a lot of fun though.  I have felt so wonderfully frustrated.  I’m at day 45 of denial and my wife estimates day 50 will be the earliest opportunity for an orgasm but day 51 is more likely.  Of course, neither day is guaranteed if my wife isn’t feeling up to it.  This has totally blown away my previous “record” of 35 days which I’ve reached I believe four times.  Now I’m looking at over seven weeks of chastity.  What an amazing feeling I have right now.  I’m buzzing in anticipation… and subspace.

In the meantime, I bought some new batteries for the vibe and it’s doing the same thing.  Looks like it is just used up.  Yesterday I ordered her a new one of the same model as well as some “Dead Batteries” brand batteries and a backup mini vibe that is about the same length but is wider around and is wired to a remote that uses AA batteries.  The second vibe was on sale.  They were practically giving it away.  If only she would allow me to get a better chastity device.

A little bit of sanity just slipped past all the chastity fueled fantasy high and said, “be careful what you wish for”, before being bounced from my brain by a big, burly endorphin.