The Great Mind Shift

Things have been very relaxed lately.  Not as in “lax”, but very comfortable in our arrangement.  I believe I mentioned in either my previous post or the post before that where my wife and I talked about our arrangement and I pointed out that it just seemed so regular and everyday that I almost thought we’d stopped doing it.  Only we haven’t stopped.  It’s just that our arrangement feels like the normal way of doing things now.

My wife’s reaction led me to believe that she agreed, but I think she felt like she could be getting more out of it.  Not that I was lacking, but that she wasn’t putting enough into it to the point where she would get more out of it.  It would seem that she enjoys it when she’s a little more “Domme-y” and likes to make me squirm a bit.  So, although I’m happy knowing that we could easily live with our arrangement indefinitely and nobody would ever think I was anything other than a loving husband, I think she likes a little more spice, but it has to come from her.

Either way, I think that conversation has left us both feeling very happy and relaxed knowing that we don’t have to “work” or “act” at the arrangement.  We can just be ourselves and that’s it.  Knowing this it’s actually made it even easier to talk about it.  About a week ago, after finally getting a release (31 days), we were on our way to pick up our kids from a friends house where they had spent the night.  It was nearly an hour ride and we enjoyed talking with each other.  At one point I said to her, “Look, this could come out sounding horrible if I don’t word it the right way, so if it comes out wrong just assume it could have been said better”.  She laughed and understood what I meant and told me to fire away.  I then explained how exciting the mind game was where she said I could masturbate to orgasm, but then had to wear my device to work that night.  I then just flat out asked her what I would have to do to receive a blow job.  She indicated that it would clearly cost a lot and that she would have to think about it.  She seemed to enjoy the challenge as well.

Yesterday morning, after a “quickie” we lay together in bed and cuddled.  She was very content and I was frustrated (and happy) as you could imagine.  I asked her if she had been thinking about the blow job at all.  She told me she had, but she hadn’t come up with anything.

“The problem is I’ve had this great shift in the way I think about these things now.  It’s all about me and my pleasure and what I want to do.  It was rare that I ever wanted to give a blow job.  I’m having a really hard time thinking of what you could do that would make me want to give you a blow job”.

First off, WOW!  She was just so matter of fact about it.  It’s now normal for her to think of herself.  She’s not working at it.  She is completely selfish sexually.  Amazing!  However, in the interest of the mind games (which she also enjoys, I’d like to point out) I tried to rephrase the challenge in a way that she hadn’t thought of it.  I asked her if she could think about it in a way where the blow job was a gift to me.  She understood, but seemed a bit more skeptical of this approach.

The best part of this conversation is that we were just laying in bed, casually chatting.  There wasn’t the slightest bit of stress or worry or anything.  We could have been talking about what to have for lunch.  Actually, I believe we did talk about lunch immediately after.  It’s all so laid back and easy going that I was even able to sneak in a little, “what are the odds of me being allowed to cum” (mostly as a joke) at some point in the conversation, as if by sneaking it in I could catch her off guard.  She laughed and told me my chances were “ZERO”.  It was worth a shot.

We are both so happy right now.  What an amazing step we’ve taken.  Being able to joke about our arrangement as if it were no big deal while also being able to talk about it in a very matter of fact and relaxed way.

Why the ‘choice’?

You can’t change who you are.  At least that’s the saying, right?  I think there is a lot of truth to that.  In our arrangement we aren’t really changing who we are, we’re just enhancing certain aspects, I think.  Of course, we may be doing things we wouldn’t otherwise be doing, but that’s not changing who we are, it’s changing what we do.  Maybe I’m thinking about it too much.

I started thinking about it last night.  I got into bed with my wife and told her how sexy the idea of the release with conditions was.  I asked her when she came up with it.  She told me she’d thought about it a few days before.  Now, I don’t remember exactly how she worded her reasoning, but it boiled down to the idea that she felt like she was neglecting me and that she needed to do something for me.  I could tell she was a bit bummed about it and didn’t want to get too deep into it, so I just told her that I’ve been very happy and didn’t feel neglected at all.  She didn’t seem very convinced.  I then asked her if we were in bed because she wanted to have sex, or because she felt obligated to have sex.  She told me she wanted to do it for me.  I told her that I could see how tired she was and kissed her and wished her sweet dreams and got out of bed.

I’m sure a year ago I would have wanted to sit down and have a long conversation with her where I explain that she needs to relax and understand it’s all about her wants, needs and desires.  But I now accept that she will always be a loving wife who cares about my needs.  I appreciate the great gift of the “mind fuck” that she gave me, and that she will occasionally have sex when she is tired because she feels like she’s been neglecting me.  These are characteristics about her that I fell in love with.  They won’t change, and I don’t think I want them to.  However, as we’ve gotten further into our arrangement, I see that she doesn’t feel obligated to do these things all the time.  The vast majority of the time she is able to simply receive and understand that I get pleasure from it as well.  But, things have been a little hectic over the last several weeks with her family visiting and what not, and I guess I’ve been doing a good job around the house, etc., so I’m sure she is feeling a little pressure to perform for me.  Yay for me!  I’ve got a loving wife.

Having said all that, I will ask her if she wants to take a few minutes tonight to talk about it.  I just want her to really understand how very content I’ve been lately, and that the occasional “mind fuck” game can really work wonders.  Now, here’s where you are going to yell “hypocrite” at me, but I swear these two topics came up separately!  The day before she laid the “choice” on me I had been thinking (fantasizing) about blow jobs, and the lengths I’d be willing to go to get one.  I was trying to figure out how to broach the topic with her.  Actually, I guess I was going to ask in the context of birthday sex.  As I mentioned last blog for whatever reasons I did not have birthday sex and I’ve been very, very tempted to ask for a blow job for my birthday.  I know I haven’t had one since I’ve started this blog, and it would be a safe bet to say I haven’t had one in several years.  Anyway, I was thinking, how exactly do I word this?  “What would it cost me to get a blow job”, clearly makes her sound like a whore (although perhaps that would be a kinky fantasy for her).  Maybe, “I would do just about anything for a birthday blow job, what would it take”?  The thing is, at this point it’s become more about the mind fuck than about the blow job.  This became apparent to me the next day when she essentially did what I was fantasizing about, only in terms of masturbation, not oral sex.

So, I’d really like to talk to her about that.  I want her to know we don’t always have to be “doing things”, because the fact that we do all the little things everyday is really enough most of the time.  But every once in a while if we can do one of these little games of choice, well, that’s icing on the cake!  I think it will be a good talk, and besides, we haven’t really chatted about our arrangement in a while.