And yet another paradox

I’ve been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now.  They have become worse over the last year and I often have panic attacks while driving.  This is no surprise really, as I’ve had nightmares about car accidents since childhood and I’m also afraid of heights, so a highway overpass can almost shut me down completely.

Because of this I’ve been taking a low dose of Xanax for the past year.  I’d rather not take meds, but because I can’t predict when a panic attack will hit I take a regular dose every day.

I think my wife didn’t really appreciate the severity of a bad attack until she recently witnessed one.  She was a little shaken by how it could completely shut me down (curl up in a ball on the bed for an hour not moving).

Anyway, it appears that she thinks long term orgasm denial may not be helping the situation.  About a month ago she let on to this and told me she was thinking of a new plan.  That night she let me have a release even though we both felt it was a little soon.  Since then it seems to be on a two week basis.

Sunday night she was up late, very tired and a little intoxicated.  Although I’d been hoping to mess around a little I assumed she was headed straight for bed.  As usual I brought her her medicine and a glass of water after she was comfortably in bed.  She surprised me by asking if I’d also brought my “big cock”.

I had.

She played with her mini vibe for a while but it was becoming apparent to me that she’d had to much to drink to reach orgasm.  In our 19 years together I’ve learned to read these things, as you can imagine.  I’ve learned to tell the real thing (which you just can’t fake) from her just trying to get me off.

This is part of what led to our arrangement in the first place.  I didn’t like the idea of her having sex with me because she felt it was her “wifely duty”.

After some time with her vibe, an amount of time that usually would bring multiple orgasms (maybe it brought one), she had me enter her.  It became readily apparent that she wasn’t really getting off and was making lots of sexy moans and groans and comments about my size and how good I felt inside her.  These are the old tactics she used when she wanted to make me cum quickly.

So I was torn.  We were back to square one.  Or are we?

It’s an aspect of our relationship that I didn’t like in the past, but this time it’s different.  She was in control.  She had an agenda.  It had been two weeks since my last orgasm and she wanted to make sure I had another that night.  Regardless of her own enjoyment she took control and had me make love to her and brought me to an orgasm, an orgasm she wanted to make sure I had.

So it’s clearly orgasm control… Right?

I’m not going to think about it too much right now.  I know she’s also fully aware of the lack of intimacy that happened last year and she wants to make sure we don’t let that happen again.  But it’s strange to think that we’ve come full circle, except this time in a different context.

Looks like it’s time for another talk.  I’d like to hear her express her ideas fully and perhaps we can come up with some more options.  If she had ordered me to masturbate to orgasm it wouldn’t have felt so backwards.  I really had mixed emotions over the whole thing.  Clearly the idea of her still being in control of my orgasm won the day, and I once I realized there was no way I was going to make her orgasm first I did my best to “get it over with” for her (although to be honest I contemplated topping from the bottom and trying to draw it out to the point she just couldn’t go on and would give me the double tap letting me know it was over, but I didn’t).

So I guess that’s where we stand right now.  Imperfect, but her choice, so I’ll go with it.  Time will tell how it will work out.

Another year…

So it’s a new year.

Last year was very difficult, but we got everything straightened out in our relationship and ended on a high note.  I ended the year with only 15 orgasms, which you think would be a good thing as I had suggested at the beginning of last year that perhaps I should be limited to 16 for the year, but, as I have previously said it was for all the wrong reasons.

Since our last talk my wife has become more aware of our intimate times and has made sure that even if she is “too tired” or “not in the mood” she makes herself available to intimacy in some way.  Maybe it’s cuddling time or just making sure to let me know that she is looking forward to the next time we are able to be intimate.  This has been very reassuring and has really helped put us on better ground relationship-wise.

I seem to have lost some of my submissive drive again, which does seem to ebb and flow, but I haven’t lost the desire for our dynamic, which is fortunate since my wife has made it clear that she prefers our arrangement and wants to keep it this way.  When we are in bed it’s easy to slip into the submissive mode, but other than that I’ve had to take a little more of a leadership role in the relationship and I think this was needed to help my wife out with day to day things.

This year has started pretty well.  Although money is still tight I’ve gotten some good news on the side business front and there is the potential for some extra cash to be coming in, but more importantly more doors have been opened for future business and possible investments in this side work (hopefully to become the new career).

Things have also improved on the Arrangement front.  My wife has made sure to keep me on my toes (although probably less than at our peak, but we are taking small steps).  I’ve been allowed one orgasm so far this year, but opportunities for sex have been rare (no fault of our own).

We did have a very exciting birthday night for me.  My wife summoned me to the bed room where she had been playing with her vibrator and had just brought herself to an orgasm.  I quickly stripped and joined her in bed.  We made out like teenagers for a bit before she told me she wanted me inside her.  I was a little slow to get an erection so she did something she hadn’t done in… I don’t know… seemingly forever.  She gave me oral sex for a good 30 seconds or so before I had to pull out of her mouth lest I go too far.

That was pretty amazing and I let her know it.  She found it amusing that I couldn’t last that long and teased me about it and about how rare it was that I would get more oral from her.  After composing myself I entered her and she encouraged me to some pretty hard screwing until I again needed a break.  She had me hold still inside her as she again used her vibrator to bring herself to several more orgasms.  She was so loud I worried she’d wake the kids.  She again teased me about how many orgasms she was having and asked if I could feel it (which I could).

She then pulled the old, “do you want to cum”?  Before I could answer she continued, “I know you do, don’t you…”.  As I groaned in response she followed with, “but you don’t want to either.  I know you want both and can’t decide, can you”.  I made some kind of affirmative grunt and she told me that she would have more fun if I had to wait.  She laughed and teased a bit more as I made a few more thrusts before having to pull out being so close to the edge.  I held her close as I trembled in the sub zone.

“Maybe we can have more fun tomorrow night.  Maybe you can fuck me with the big dildo.  Won’t that be fun”?

Again I grunted some kind of affirmative answer as I trembled and thanked her and told her how wonderful she was and how kind she was to me.

“Kind?  I think having so many orgasms and bringing you to the edge and not letting you cum is pretty mean, and I like that”.

Uggghhhh!  Heaven.

Perhaps I should be wearing the device today.  I haven’t done that in a while.

First “Arrangement Talk” in a long time

Well, we had our first talk in a long time last night about the arrangement.

It had been a long rough day, and my wife had earlier been informed of a loss in the family, so I had planned on putting it off.  My wife, however knows me well and could tell I wanted to talk.  I tried to beg off, but she sat down and told me to get whatever it was off my chest.

I stumbled a bit at first trying to set it up and put it in perspective and she told me to basically spit it out.  So I did.  I told her that I got her message of her opinion of my “cumming too much” and “it’s not always about the sex”.  I then gave her the statistics.  I could see the stunned look in her eyes as she took it in and sat quietly for a moment before responding, “those are some sad stats”.  She got it.  But as it all set in she got a bit defensive and tried to rationalize it all.  I told her that she was right on all counts and justified in her beliefs that she is the prime bread winner, the runner of the household, etc. and the high stress.

I explained that all this was true, but it has been true for years now.  The main difference that stands out, though is the correlation between the high feelings of stress we both feel and the problems with anxiety I’ve been dealing with over the last year.  I pointed out a lot of things she already knows, like how sex releases all those feel good chemicals that help with these things, and if we have only been intimate 19 times this year as opposed to, let’s say roughly 60-70 last year and 140-ish the previous year, then it seems like the lack of intimacy could be a main culprit in our problems.

I also explained how I saw the arrangement as adding to the stress so stepped back a bit from it while she saw my pulling back as adding to the stress of the arrangement.  I told her that arrangement or not, the lack of intimacy would cause the disconnect in any relationship and if ending our arrangement would help then so be it, because the only important thing to me was the health of our relationship.

At one point she broke down and cried and I comforted her.  She asked what I thought needed to happen to fix things.  I explained how she told me in the past (and from what I understand is a familiar feeling in many women) that often she wouldn’t be in the mood initially, but once we started she would warm up to it and usually ended up having her best orgasms.  She agreed with that.  I then said that perhaps we had to go back to an old fashioned (for us and many others I’m sure) scheduled night of sex.  Sunday night will be “sex night”.  We’ll take it from there.  It doesn’t have to be only Sunday, but hopefully having sex regularly will help her to remember how GOOD sex is.

She realized that she had taken the “all about her” aspect to the extreme and that I clearly needed attention as well and saw that her extreme view was also detrimental to her.

As I put her to bed I told her that I was fine if we needed to stop the arrangement and start fresh.  She was dead set against that.  “Nothing is over”, she informed me.  “The arrangement stays”!

It was rough, but we never should have let it get that bad.  I think things will turn around from here.

Frustration, and not the fun kind

Last night as my wife set off for bed she asked me for a back rub.  This often, not always, but often, leads to other things.  Seeing as she seems to have sparked renewed attention to our arrangement and that she knows how I have been on edge since our last intimate encounter I was hoping for something more than the back rub.

She laid on her stomach and I straddled her to give her the back rub.  When she was satisfied I rolled off to the side (quite worked up).  I gently caressed her and planted small kisses on her shoulder.  She turned to me and said, “this isn’t always about sex”.

Huh.

She mentioned that the other day as well.  She must think we are having an awful lot of sex.

The problem is, from my point of view, this year it has always been NOT about sex.  We have been intimate a mere 19 times since January 1.  This has been a large factor in my stepping back from the arrangement.  This isn’t a pleasant teasing denial.  This is disregard.  There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because there is no rainbow.  It’s just gray and dreary out.  Over the year I stopped holding out hope that things would change.  A few years back we were intimate 2-3 times a week.  Last year 3-5 times a month.  Now we are intimate once every 5-7 weeks.  Fourteen of our 19 encounters ended with me being allowed to orgasm.  It’s like we’ve moved from chastity for me to celibacy for us.

So last night I felt a great frustration.  Not the pleasant frustration of being allowed to give and not receive, just the frustration of realizing my wife and I are clearly not on the same page right now.  This lack of intimacy is brutal.

Being set straight

It’s been a long time since the last post.

As the title of the post announced, break time was over… or was it?

The stress and strain of real life continued and although I kept up with a lot of our arrangement rules I felt that I should let up a little as I felt that the arrangement only added to the stress on my wife.  It wasn’t entirely gone, but it seemed to be pushed to the back burner.

Yesterday i was informed that I was severely mistaken.

I asked if my wife would like some “us” time yesterday as the kids watched a movie.  I showered and waited for my wife.  I brought out the toys and put on my cock ring.  When my wife was ready she had me go down on her.  After her first orgasm she took a break and I told her I had put fresh batteries in her vibe.

“Good”, she replied.

She then brought herself to another orgasm with the vibe.

After that I asked if she wanted the Purple Monster.  She did.  She slid it all the way in.  My God that thing is huge.  She took it all with pleasure.  She told me to show her my cock so I got on my knees near her head and presented myself.  She then did what I had fantasized about for years.  She slowly stroked me to the edge while bringing herself to another orgasm.  As I shuddered in agony/ecstasy she told me to slowly fuck her with the dildo.

After several orgasms I asked if I enter her.  She let me and I lasted a few minutes before having to pull out.  She used the vibe a little longer and got herself off a few more times.  She then allowed me to masturbate for a few minutes.

While I masturbated she let me know she was disappointed in my service.  Not only that, but disappointed that I had apparently given up on the arrangement.

That is how deep we are into the arrangement.  Things that were once special are now normal, so to say that I had given up on it means that she expects more.

To be honest, though, I had let things go a bit.  As I said I felt like it was added stress to my wife’s life and also I was just feeling selfish and lazy.

My wife cleared this all up and told me how I have been disappointing her by not catering to her needs more.  In her times of stress with work and life I should be offering myself to her more, not less.  I should be asking how I can help her more and not relying on her asking me to do/get things for her.  I should be anticipating her needs and finding ways to surprise her or finding ways to please her.

Duh.  I can be very ignorant at times.  And selfish.  And lazy.

She continued on to tell me that she has seen a drop off  in service between orgasms and that I she thinks she has let me cum too often.

This is where this blog is going to start sounding like fantasy fodder.

Really?  I cum too often?  I’ve had 14 orgasms this year and one of those wasn’t really an orgasm, just an ejaculation.  I think this may be where she thinks I cum too often.  A few weeks ago while we made love she told me I could cum.  I felt the build up and told her I was going to cum and right before orgasm I told her it was gone.  I was baffled.  I didn’t know what had happened.  I told her I didn’t cum and she told me I had.  I pulled out and it was obvious I had ejaculated.  If it wasn’t for my obvious worry she probably wouldn’t have believed me.  It had been six weeks since my previous release.  To make up for it she let me orgasm a week later and asked, “was that  better”?

Anyway, I asked her what letting me cum too much meant (I’m guessing I’m done for the year) and she listed all the things she expects from me, including the fact that I missed our 4 year arrangement anniversary.

Aaaaahhhhh!

How is it that I missed it and she remembered?!?!

All this time I worried that she felt this was more about me and my kinks than her and her needs.  Instead this has become such an ingrained part of our life that she knows it’s about her and her needs and wants and not about what I think.

This post has been a bit of a ramble but my mind is just racing right now and I wanted to catch everyone up.  I’ll probably be posting more regularly.  Hopefully I’ll have interesting things to say and not just repeating what I’ve posted over the years.

Huh.  How about that.  This blog has been going for several years.

Break Time Is Over

Well, the summer break is over.  The kids have been back in school over a week now.  Yesterday my wife seemed to take a little bit of control over the situation and began to re-establish our arrangement.

Now, I know I said I was taking a bit of a break because of the kids being out of school, etc., but my wife has also been under a great amount of stress and the arrangement hasn’t been her highest priority.  So we’ve both kinda let things slip, and the break was probably timely.

Now, it’s not like all the rules were thrown out the window.  I wasn’t sitting around masturbating and letting the house get trashed.  No, I’m still at nine orgasms for the year.  The house did get a bit messier, but in general all the rules were still in place.

Anyway, I recently purchased a new dildo for my wife.  Her old one is 16 years old and was a jelly dildo with a vibrator part on the end.  The vibrator broke years ago so the last third of the dildo was just an empty battery housing inside the dildo that often fell out.  So she really deserved a new dildo.  I had gotten a coupon for 1/2 off from Adam & Eve so I went for it (actually after checking with her).  She let me choose what to get her, however.

I remembered the look in her eyes when we were “window shopping” on the internet and she saw some of the bigger models.  I know I posted about it in the past, but I can’t find it now (here it is).  Anyway, at the time I asked her what size she would want if I got her a new one and she said, “Your size”… then continued, “nothing smaller”.

Right.  Nothing smaller, but bigger is OK I guess?

Long story short, she now has a purple jelly dildo that is 8″ long from the base of the balls and 6 1/2″ in circumference.  She has dubbed it the “Purple Monster“.

Yesterday we had some private time together.  I put on my cock ring and took out her toys.  Having a small collection we have been keeping them in an old Crown Royal bag.  It was just right for the old collection.  Now it has a large set of dildo balls hanging out of it.  Anyway, I spread the toys on my pillow for her and we kissed and held each other for a bit.  Then she pushed me down and put me to work.  After her first orgasm she asked if I could fuck her.  I asked if I could try and she let me.  I didn’t last very long and she had me stop.  She then contemplated her choice of toys.  She grabbed the new dildo and inserted it.  “I don’t think I can get it all in… yet…”, she sighed.  She then grabbed the larger of her two bullet vibes and a look of pure bliss was on her face as it did it’s job.

I trembled as I watched her.  I tried to control myself from thrusting against her leg, I wanted to cum so badly.

When she was finished she allowed me to enter her again.  I was in heaven as I slowly made love to her, but again only lasted a minute or so before telling her I was ready to cum.  I had foolishly assumed that I would be allowed to orgasm as it had been three weeks since my last and it seems like she had been letting me orgasm whenever we made love lately, which sadly has not been often.

“You’re going to have to wait”, she told me as she gave me the tap letting me know she was done.  I asked if I could go down on her again and she replied, “No, thanks.  I came on your face once and on the Purple Monster two times.  I’m good”.

Wow.  She has never put it that way before, “I came on your face”.  It sent shivers down my spine hearing her talk to me like that.  She then told me that she liked the new dildo, but that it would take some time to get used to the size, since she was only used to my size.  I don’t think she intended any kind of slight, but it was just enough to give my humiliation kink a tweak.  She also suggested I find a new home for her toys and suggested that I give the “A team” (Purple Monster and large bullet vibe) a separate home from the “B team” (old dildo and small bullet vibe).  The B team has served her well over the years, but she now has a nice big new fake cock and a bullet vibe that puts out some strong vibrations.  The B team isn’t being retired, just being benched for a bit.  They are the back-up.

The rest of the day was very relaxing and fun.  We had a family movie night before getting the kids ready for bed.  As my wife put away the leftovers from dinner and I cleaned up she asked, “When are you going to bleach the sink?  And the floor needs to be mopped… you are slipping”.

Clearly the summer break is over.  Time to get back to being a good house husband.

Selfish and Lazy

I haven’t been posting very much these last few months, but I have been following other blogs and I’ve been commenting more lately.

There has been a conversation conducted through several blogs that I find very interesting.  The conversation started with the idea that the longer we blog the less we post about kinky things.  In my own experience I think I post less about kinky things because what was once kinky (being told to mop the floor, clean the toilet, etc.) become routine after a while.  Sure, when I first started doing it I couldn’t wait to blog about how I mopped the floor and had an erection the entire time thinking about how I was cleaning and my wife was relaxing.

This doesn’t mean I’m unhappy, just that it’s not really news any more.

Lady Grey has taken the conversation to the next level in her latest post and having thought about this for a while I’ve discovered something about myself.  I’m being very lazy.

I know some of the agreements made in our Arrangement are not being lived up to and my wife, being busy with her career and being a mother and a wife, is not enforcing the rules.  I recognize this and I’m OK with it… for now.

Lady Grey points out that the staleness that sets in is mostly the result of the wife being lazy and not changing things up or enforcing the rules.  This is true.  But I am VERY guilty of letting her do this.  Why?  Well, as I said, I’m being lazy.

If I were to point out to her that she is letting me get away with keeping a messier house than she is used to she might make me work harder.  Right now I don’t really want that.  So I’m being lazy AND selfish.  I admit it.

Frankly, hanging out at the pool with the kids is more important to me right now than making sure the house is spotless.  And with the kids out of school keeping the house clean with them in it is nearly impossible.  While I clean one room they are usually destroying another.  The first couple of weeks of summer break nearly gave me a breakdown.  That’s when I just accepted I couldn’t keep up with the work and embraced the laziness.

At some point my wife saw how much stress I was under and made some suggestions as to what might help.  Unfortunately the only thing that seemed to work was to just accept that I was beaten and to not stress out that the house is messy.  My wife told me that I needed to figure something out because that wasn’t really acceptable.  My reaction to this is to get her to the pool with us as often as possible, preferably with a margarita in her hand.  If she isn’t in the house she doesn’t have to see it’s messy.

Too soon the pool will be closed, but with that the children will be back in school.  Then my wife and I can have one of our chats about our arrangement and we can get back on track.

Until then I’m going to be lazy and selfish.  I’m going to enjoy playing computer games at night instead of mopping the kitchen floor.  I’m going to enjoy watching cartoons with the kids.  I’m going to enjoy hanging out with friends and family at the pool.  I’m going to enjoy my wife sending me to the bar to get her drinks in front of our friends.  I’m going to enjoy the chastity and orgasm control she has over me.  I’m going to enjoy the knowledge that I’ve only had seven orgasms this year.  I’m going to enjoy giving her countless orgasms whenever she wants….

Whoa!

There I go getting kinky again!

Yeah.  I’m just selfish and lazy.  But the summer is halfway over.

Where I’m at

When I started this blog it was to help me work through all the new feelings I was discovering and to relate to people with similar inclinations.  I had realized that I didn’t like when my wife had sex with me because she felt like it was her “wifely duty” and that I much preferred to just give her an orgasm and be left without one myself, than to give her an orgasm and then have her feel like she is obligated to return the favor, even when she would prefer to just roll over and go to sleep.  In the process I also realized that we had been living in a vanilla, but very real Wife Led Marriage.

As my wife came to accept this fact and later embrace her roll as leader of the household we ventured into some kinkier territories.  This was a boon to our sex life, which at that point, after 14 years together, had become pretty routine.  Now it is ANYTHING but routine.  Unfortunately, over the last six months or more it has hardly existed at all.

In the midst of all the kink and hoopla of living a WLM I firmly believed that it was “all for her”.  As my wife and I worked through the many paradoxes of power exchange kink and other issues involved in the WLM we came to understand that while she may be the prime focus it just won’t work unless we are both getting something out of it.  This understanding has led me to where I am today.

Where is that?  Well, it’s led me to feel pretty selfish about a lot of things.  It’s led me to do a lot less for my wife than I have over the past few years.  It’s led me to nearly telling my wife that it just wasn’t working any more.

There is a catch, however.  My wife has made it clear that this is the way things are now.

I have to admit that there are probably two main reasons for my change of attitude.  First would be the lack of sex.  Sexual power exchange is clearly important to me in our WLM and when it’s lacking I feel like something is missing from my life, which I guess it is.

The other reason is that the company my partner and I have been working so hard at becoming self sustaining and profitable requires me to be an Alpha male and it’s hard for me to switch back to a submissive mode when I get home.   Perhaps that works for some high powered executives (if we are to believe the stories) but it doesn’t work to well for me.  Submissive in sex, sure, but it hard to go from running a company and being in charge to scrubbing a kitchen floor and cleaning out the bathroom.

The stress of my wife’s work and the financial stress on both of us also led to my wife being less “dominant” as well, and she recognized this.  But that didn’t mean she doesn’t fully put herself first, unless it is her desire to put me first, which on occasion does happen.  She did try, however.  There have been too many instances where I would catch her saying, “damn, I missed a good opportunity to use my power over you”, or other things of that nature.

The last month or so has been a little different.  She really seems to have stepped it up.  She has been much more demanding of me and has once again used her ability to relax and have me cater to her.  A month or so ago she used me for some hot sex and had multiple orgasms while leaving me wanting.  This past Thursday night she used be for some sex, but kept telling me how she wanted to get a “good, hard fucking”.  She kept teasing me asking if I could do it knowing that I just can’t anymore.  Instead she used my mouth and her dildo to get off.  Eventually she climbed on top of me and verbally teased me until she told me to ask her for permission to cum.  I did and she thought about it before telling me I could (once again waiting nearly 5 weeks between orgasms).

Saturday before I left for work she stopped me and told me I hadn’t sufficiently thanked her my orgasm Thursday night.  She wanted me to give her several more before I left for work to show proper appreciation.  She again reiterated her desire for a “good, hard fucking” and asked me if I could do that for her.  She of course knows the answer and after a few strokes I have to withdraw and orally please her.  She then told me to watch while she brought herself several more orgasms with her toys.  I’m sure she really does want a good hard fuck like I used to give her, but she seems to find it amusing as well that I’ve become a “two pump chump”.  It is a nice erotic humiliation, but frankly I miss the days of feeling like a stud as I would bring my wife multiple orgasms with just my cock.  I think that would take regular masturbation again and since I’ve broken that habit I just don’t really think about it anymore, except the occasions where my wife will tell me to edge myself a few times before bed.  Even then I don’t last very long.  After our Saturday fling she asked me if I thought edging myself a few times that night would improve my stamina for Sunday.  I told her it would likely make no difference at all, and at this point may even decrease my stamina.  She again informed me of her desire to be fucked hard.  All I could offer was to use the dildo on her.  Her reaction could be summed up with, “if that’s what it takes”.

As I left for work I kissed her and thanked her for my orgasm on Thursday.  I also told her it was my seventh for the year.  She gave me her wicked little smile and said I was lucky to have a wife who gave me what I wanted (fewer orgasms).

Yes, it was a “careful what you wish for” moment.  As I’ve said, lately the WLM is not really doing it for me.  Kinky sex?  Sure.  All the rest… hmmm… not so sure any more.  I guess if the kinky sex keeps up it will help me get back into the right frame of mind.  But as I left for work Saturday with an erection that wouldn’t go away I really wanted an orgasm.  I can’t remember the last time I wanted an orgasm more than that.  But my wife left me with the reminder that it would be many weeks before I got another opportunity, and in that time she was planning on having many more herself.

I certainly hope so.

Took a little break

Sorry for the absence.  I needed some time off.

The past few months have been incredibly stressful and to be honest I don’t think my relationship with my wife was ever on rockier ground.  In the fantasy land of FLR it may be sexy when your wife berates you about money problems but in reality it sucks.  Not only that but she has always been supportive of the projects my partner and I work on and out of nowhere she seemed to turn against this pursuit of a dream career and blame financial woes on it.

These weren’t the only problems.  I had issues of my own.  I started having insecurity issues that I have never felt before.  One afternoon as we lay in bed together kissing she basically turned cold and turned and gave me an “it’s not you , it’s me” about not being interested in sex.  Normally that wouldn’t have been a problem.  I understand this about her.  We’ve discussed her libido together.  Not a big deal.  Only it was.  I told her that it felt like I was the problem because if we are in bed together, naked, kissing, she should be aroused by me, so it felt like I was the problem.

I know it wasn’t very nice, and I wasn’t trying to be mean.  She didn’t get angry with me for saying it because she could see how hurt I felt.  Nonetheless it clearly wasn’t “all for her”.

There were other issues as well (I really could write a big long post about it but I don’t want to be too negative) and adding it all up I just decided to let go of the WLM thing for a bit.  That didn’t mean that I started jerking off every day and stopped cleaning the house.  As a matter of fact, to an outsider things might not have seemed very different at all.  The only obvious sign was that I stopped kneeling at bed time when I brought her glass of water and medicine.  I think she took a break as well as she mostly stopped asking me to get things for her.  So, the framework stayed in place but we both just seemed to take a break from the obvious catering duties.

During this break I basically lost all sense of submissiveness and started wondering if it was all over.  Actually, at one point I was pretty convinced it was all over.  It is funny to think back a few weeks debating whether or not to masturbate to orgasm just to prove to myself it was all over.  Of course I didn’t, but at the time it didn’t prove anything to me.  Obviously if I’m not going to masturbate than it isn’t all over, but I couldn’t tell at the time.

Also during this break I stopped wearing my cock ring and/or device.  These are things I just like the feel of and so often wear them.  But I had absolutely no desire to.  That is until a few days ago.  This past weekend I decided to wear my cock ring to work like I usually do but haven’t been.  It felt so nice I decided to wear the device one day.  I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it, I was just going to wear it.  It felt so wonderful I slept with it on.  I know my wife saw it as I slept in and she got up, it’s pretty difficult not to notice through boxer briefs.  She didn’t say anything about it but that day it felt like we were connecting better.

Yesterday I decided to attempt to rekindle a “working” WLM.  After a shower I asked my wife if she wanted to fool around.  She was indeed up for some fun and was quickly undressed.  I stripped down to just the device and got into bed with her toys.  Seeing me in the device she commented, “I see you are in the giving mood today”.  I agreed that I was, but actually started regretting it.  I couldn’t remember how long it had been since my last orgasm, which was also the last time we had sex.  That, unfortunately, was on of the things I quit doing for a while.  Although I never started masturbating I had quit paying attention to my orgasms, or lack there of.

Anyway, after bringing her to her first orgasm she pushed me off to the side as she reached for her dildo.  I then asked if it was too late to change my mind and I was informed that it was.  Instead I was allowed to lick her while she got her fill of the dildo.

I was incredibly horny and shaking with lust.  I don’t remember it ever feeling so frustrating before.  In the past I have been so focused on chastity and orgasm denial that I usually wanted to be made to wait.  This was the first time in I don’t know how long that I just wanted to have an orgasm.

After she had her share of orgasms we lay quietly together.  I asked her if I could be allowed to masturbate a little.  I could not.  I then asked her if it would be OK if I took off the device.  Again I could not.  I guess I pouted a little and that is when she told me, “Don’t pout.  You wanted me to have a bunch of orgasms and I did and it made you happy.  You enjoy making me cum while you are denied”.  She wasn’t bitchy about it, just matter of fact.  And it is true.  Like I said I don’t remember it ever feeling so frustrating, but it is what I like and I’m glad she didn’t just cave and let me do what I wanted.  She took control and enjoyed herself knowing that I enjoy giving her pleasure, and that I also enjoy feeling controlled.

Hopefully this will help get us back on track.  Of course I forgot to set up her coffee last night.  Through our little hiatus I never forgot that.  Get me high on endorphins and BOOM, I forget the most basic things.

Oh, and by the way, I did actually mark down the last time I orgasmed.  I went to check and was surprised to see that I had recorded it.  It has been four weeks.  Thought you’d like to know.

The wait is worth it, but it’s not worth the wait.

Saturday afternoon my wife invited me to join her in the bedroom.  I was more than happy to oblige.  I brought her toys, including the new vibe, to the bed.  She seemed a bit skeptical with the new vibe at first.  It really doesn’t look like much, and it clearly isn’t very high end.  She played with it for a few minutes before bringing herself to a nice, big orgasm.

I asked her if she had a nice, big orgasm and she said, “yes… I didn’t mean to, but I did”.  Apparently the new mini vibe is quite a bit more intense than the other mini vibe.  She thinks the chord may get in the way sometimes, but it’s worth the hassle for the strong sensations it brings.

Next it was my turn.  She put her hand on my head and pushed me under the blankets.  I know I mention this every time, but its a detail that really helps to put me in subspace.  It’s such a powerful feeling to be so physically directed to do something that is all about her pleasure.  Of course the tap on the head when she’s had enough is pretty powerful too, especially when followed by, “now, give me your cock”.

I think I did a pretty good job of making love to her.  I know I lasted longer than the last time she wanted to have sex with me.  She was also very kind and broke it up in the middle telling me to go down on her again.  It was obvious she wanted to make sure she had another orgasm before I did.  I got her to the edge with my mouth and heard, “I need your cock inside me NOW”!  After that I didn’t last too long and as she enjoyed a prolonged orgasm I came as well.

“Was it worth the wait”, she asked?

Although I told her it was, I realized that the question wasn’t really accurate.  On the one hand it wasn’t worth the wait.  It was a pretty intense orgasm, but orgasms are the type of thing that could be intense at any given time.  There is no quantitative way to say that this particular orgasm is better, or more worth another particular orgasm.  So, to say that orgasm was worth 50 days of waiting would not be accurate.

The better way to phrase it would be, “Was the wait worth it”.  If that is the question than the answer is a resounding “YES”!  The feelings you experience through long term denial are just amazing, and they are feelings you can’t just experience when ever you want to, unlike an orgasm (well, for most people).  You can only experience what a month of chastity feels like by going through a month of chastity.  So, the wait was well worth it and I hope to be kept waiting for longer periods of time from now on.

As we lay in bed together afterward my wife told me how much she enjoyed the new toy, but also told me how much she has enjoyed the completely one sided sex we’d been having leading up to this past Saturday.  She has really enjoyed having me in my device while she uses her toys and my mouth to have orgasm after orgasm.  I didn’t bring up the question about why giving her oral sex while she uses her dildo isn’t emasculating while using an extender would be, but she made it very clear that she really enjoys my mouth and her dildo in tandem.

Lucky me!